Life lessons and bloody blood. For blood’s sake.

I stopped my birth control pills as instructed by the nurse on Monday (cycle day 13).  Today, 3 days later I get my period….now come on Aunt Flow…..you just stopped bleeding only 6 days ago!!! And of course the bleeding is accompanied by the usual pains 😦

Oh well, only conciliation is that tomorrow we start our first IVF cycle.  Am I nervous? Yep! Excited? A teeny bit, because we are moving forward, hopefully!

Whatever happens over the next four weeks, good or bad, we will learn something new:

  • Chris will learn how to stab me with various needles.
  • We will learn how to mix up our own drugs.
  • I will learn how good or bad my veins are for drawing blood.
  • I will learn that my vagina is no longer my own, not even during my period.  Sorry Chris.
  • We will learn about how my eggs and Chris’s sperm work, or do not work together.
  • We will learn about hope, love and strength in our marriage.
  • We will learn whether we will become parents.

Plus loads more…I like learning new things so my glass is half full right now, despite how scary that list looks 🙂

IVF DIARY VOL I: 17 – 21 JULY 2015

IVF_Diary_Vol1b.pngMedication(s) administered and dosage(s). Nil (the quiet before the storm??!)

Medical procedures undertaken. Nil

How do I feel today? Woohoo!! I took my last birth control pill yesterday, so I’m feeling excited!

I am on week 7 of my sugar and simple carbs ban.  I’ve done pretty well and have allowed myself just one small treat each week which has kept me motivated (although last night we did have white pasta :-s whoops).  I even bought dunkin donuts for everyone at work today and I had not one bite of them!  Wow, I was drooling over their delicious smell.  I have struggled over the last week or so with sugar cravings.  I’ve never had cravings like this…it got to the point that I even imagined there was a tiny piece of chocolate in the sink when in fact it was just a piece of cat food.  I was hallucinating about all things super sugary, in particular Krispy Kreme donuts.  I was  literally salivating over the cookies at my work cafe and imagining the way that they would crisp and crunch in my mouth, with the chocolate chips still slightly melted as they just came out of the oven.  Was it the Birth Control Pills that did this to me?  Or my addiction to sugar.  I really can’t quite tell.

Work is a bit stressful as I am trying to fit a lot in so I can take time off required for the IVF appointments, plus a bunch of other factors that are out of my hands are probably contributing to the stress.  I probably have piled a lot of that stress on myself, but I can’t help but be a perfectionist; sometimes I have to stop and ask myself – is anybody going to die if I don’t do this work?  When I answer with no, then I remind myself to step away.

What are my symptoms? The spotting finally stopped just as it was time to stop the birth control pills.  I took just 13 pills in all, and the nurse told me to stop take my last on yesterday in preparation for my first day of stimulation injectibles scheduled for this Friday 24th Jul.  I am not sure if I will get a period over the next few days, so I shall await with a pad/tampon to hand just in case :-s

How does Chris feel today? Chris feels like work has distracted him from the build up to our upcoming IVF.  It worries him a little bit because he thinks he might not be paying close enough attention to his true feelings.  But he did tell me that he is excited to be starting, but nervous all at the same time, particularly at the notion of stabbing me with the needles.  (Yep, you and me both hon ;-p !!)

Any results? Nil

What’s next? Our first appointment with the clinic to start the IVF cycle is scheduled for Friday morning, we have been told to anticipate spending about 3 hours there to get a baseline ultrasound, blood tests, fill out paper work, pay them lots of money – I hope they take my credit card (thinking of all the extra points!!!).

Weight. Overall, the Birth Control Pills did not cause me to put on weight.  After tracking for 18 days straight (first time I have ever done this) I can see that I have a bit of up and down cycles as I eat more at the weekends and less during the week.  But looking at my rolling average, I have not put on weight.  Yippeee!  But I have a good baseline set of measurements now prior to stimulation to closely monitor the effects.

Waist.  NSTR

Boobs. NSTR

Hours of Sunshine 🙂 I got in several hours of sunshine this weekend, just before we had a huuuuge storm that crapped the hell out of me…the lightening, thunder and winds were extreme, I wasn’t sure we were about to face a tornado.  Our neighbour’s tree fell down on their house and the neighbourhood flooded, fortunately this is the reason we all have raised houses.

My stats to date

My stats to date

*Notes.  I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal) and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily.  NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

It can be all a little bit confusing

Infertility treatment IS pretty darn confusing.  And I’ve spent 100s of hours researching it.  It’s confusing because there is no one single way to treat infertility.  If they had figured out a magic pill to get you pregnant we would all be taking it.  Unfortunately, there isn’t that one pill.  There are many causes of infertility and so treatment is specific to the couple being treated.  The journey each one of us take to the great pudding club will be unique.  And it can be confusing with all that medical jargon, drugs (brands and generic versions), procedures, timings…and to make things worse, it will probably be different each time we have another try to make a little one.

We have been asked many questions by friends and family about our infertility, and I am so glad they do ask – firstly, it shows that they care, and secondly, it helps spread awareness of infertility (did you know that 1 in 10 couples are infertile?).  So to this end, I have put together a page on my site that introduces some of the important terms we talk about a lot, all in one place.

(My new page: What does it all mean?)

I have also updated the ‘about me’ page to include a timeline of what we have tried so far.  We will be using these pages as a place to direct family and friends for a bit of background as we start our first IVF cycle and tell a few more people what we are going through.

My dear friends, I just wanted you to know how grateful I am that you are here with us and support us along the way.  Thank you for understanding and thank you for providing us with words of strength and comfort X

IVF DIARY VOL I: 10 – 16 JULY 2015

IVF_Diary_Vol1a.pngMedication(s) administered and dosage(s). Ovulation Control Pill (OCP) Reclipsen 0.15MG-30MCG x 1

Medical procedures undertaken. Nil

How do I feel today?  Fed up of spotting!  I haven’t felt ‘hormonal’ the last week like I thought potentially the birth control pills might do.  Overall feeling not too bad.

What are my symptoms? The first few days after I started the birth control pills I got a bit bloated and a bit constipated…which for someone with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (The diarrhea type) one would think it would make a nice change from going to poo three times a day!  Fortunately, things have got back to normal in that arena.  My boobs are a little tender and have stayed the same size since my period started (a bit bigger).  Then there is the extra bleeding also, my period lasted a couple of days longer than my normal 2-3 days…and I have been spotting since then, so wearing a panty liner is a must right now.

How does Chris feel today? Chris is still very busy at work at the moment 😦 He is trying to get as much done in prep for the when we start ‘stimming’ (aka injecting the drugs) so he can focus on us.  (Aww bless him, he’s a sweetie)  We did have that big discussion about how many embryos to transfer and what our decision will be.  It made for an interesting dinner table conversation!  We weighed up the pros and cons, but he did say that ultimately he would stick with whatever I decided because it is my body and health that would be at risk.  So we haven’t completely ruled out transferring two just yet.

Any results? NA

What’s next? Just four more days of birth control pills.  I’m looking forward to not hearing my ‘alien’ alarm on my phone that reminds me to take them at the same time every day.

Weight. Funny story and probably too much information – Now, I have been weighing myself as soon as I wake up to make it a fair comparison.  One morning, after weighing myself I went downstairs, started to prepare breakfast when I realised I needed to go to the toilet (at last hooray!!).  And as I mentioned earlier, having been constipated for a while, I did an enormous poo….so much so that in the interest of science, afterwards, I dashed back upstairs to weigh myself again.  Can you believe it?  I weighed EXACTLY the same 127.2lbs….and I got on and off I three times to be sure it wasn’t stuck.  So now I just don’t trust those scales!!

Waist.  NSTR

Boobs. NSTR

Hours of Sunshine 🙂 Seriously, still not enough….the weather has not been great recently, but last night whilst I played softball I soaked up the evening sun and it was glorious.  I hope this weekend brings us some better weather!

150716_IVF1_Stats

*Notes.  I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal) and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily.  NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

The pain of unexplained infertility

Unexplained infertility eats away at you, month by month, day by day, hour by hour.  The pain grows exponentially, as the odds of a successful pregnancy diminish.

At first, you thank your lucky stars (or your god), that there is nothing seriously wrong with you or your husband.  You both passed all the fertility tests with flying colours.  Your Reproductive Endocrinologist should be giving out gold stars each time you brave another fertility test because your stats are great and you are top of the class.

But you are defined as infertile, and yet at the same time, they cannot find any medical reason as to why you are unable to conceive.  This is not through any fault of the doctors; learning to accept this fact is difficult.  Beginning to understand the wonders of conception and how many stars have to be in line for a baby to be born makes it a little easier to swallow.  But that doesn’t make it any less bitter.

You beat yourself up over the seemingly small things…

  • Should I have just had that glass of wine?
  • Am I too fat? Am I too skinny?
  • I forgot to take my pre-natal multivitamin – will my eggs mature this month?
  • Will that cup of coffee harm my little bean?
  • Did I exercise too hard?  Should I exercise more?

The ambiguity of it all drags on you, it weighs heavy on your heart.  You can’t help but believe it must be something you are doing wrong.  Even with the strength of your friends and family around you holding your hands, it feels like the road is getting darker, narrower and scary as hell.

You can’t move on, you can’t stop, because you might just be at the false summit and your success story is just around the corner.  You don’t know how long your journey will be…the blisters are beginning to burn and you just can’t figure out why it’s happening.  Giving up is not an option.

You cannot lie, although your friends will give you kind encouraging words and strong hands to keep you going up that mountain, there are no words that can ever compensate for why this is happening.  God’s will…or….it is meant to be….just does not compute or make sense.  The pain will continue to grow, you will cry, you will question yourself….but you will keep swimming.

“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.  What do we do? We swim, swim.” (Dora, Finding Nemo 2003)

We have a start date for IVF!

Today the nurse called me with our IVF schedule…wooohooo!

It looks roughly like this:

Our rough schedule

Our rough schedule

So our first day of stimulation injectibles will be Friday 24 July.  Chris and I both go in to the clinic to fill out the rest of the paper work, pay the $$$, get a lesson on how to do injectibles, receive our medication plan and I will have my first monitoring appointment with ultrasound/ blood work.

I also asked the nurse about the vivelle dot (estrogen patches) and why insurance only covers 8 patches and not the whole 24.   Apparently the use of the patches is “off label” so it is not covered under infertility coverage, therefore I would need to pay for the rest out of pocket.  BUT she did say that usually insurance will cover 8 every 30 days, so I can refill the prescription in 2.5 weeks and the insurance will cover 8 more patches, then I maybe lucky that by the time I need the last 8 it might be another 30 days.  But either way, now we know why and will expect to pay out of pocket for the patches if needs be!

So….just another 11 days of Birth Control Pills! I really hope these don’t mess my hormones up too much :-s

IVF Diary Vol I: 04 – 09 July 2015

IVF_Diary_Vol1I’m starting my IVF Diary today.  I’m going to be tracking a few things about my first IVF experience over the next 6-7 weeks .  I’ll be blogging too, but I want to capture the experience like this….in a kind of organised manner, to help give me some sense of control over something, because I fear that I will have to let that go!

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s). Ovulation Control Pill (OCP) Reclipsen 0.15MG-30MCG x 1

Medical procedures undertaken. Nil

How do I feel today?  I was feeling grumpy, then a bit teary eyed today.  No one asked me if anything was wrong, but I reckon some people probably thought I got out of the wrong side of bed today!  Which perhaps I did because it’s the first night I slept all the way through without needing to pee or wake up from night sweats….and then the alarm woke me up and I really didn’t want to get up.

What are my symptoms? It’s period time, so I am bleeding pretty heavily today with some gross and huge clots (sorry if that’s too much info, but this is what this diary will be – blunt and honest! It’s not going to be all fairies and sunshine).  I also have normal period pains and feeling of emptiness in my tummy like I want to do a huge fart or burp (It’s the kind of feeling I get when I am really hungry)

How does Chris feel today? Chris is very busy at work at the moment, but when I asked him he how he was feeling, he said he hasn’t thought about IVF today! 🙂

Any results? NA (but the nurse finally told me today that my blood test results for HiV, Hep B, C and Rubella all came back just fine even though I called her last week to check up on them and the results came back 2 weeks ago!)

What’s next? Hoping that my body can handle these Birth Control Pills!

150709_IVF_Stats

09 July 2015

Weight. NSTR

Waist.  NSTR

Boobs. NSTR

Hours of Sunshine 🙂 Not enough….0.25hrs (I walked to the shop)

*Notes.  I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal) and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily.  NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

Starting my IVF diary

I have been thinking about writing an “IVF Diary”.  Something a bit more formal and structured than my blog.  I will of course post my IVF diary on my blog and keep posting other things, but I wanted to create a bit of structure to my diary to help me.  Plus, I am all about the data (did I tell you I’m an analyst??!), I can’t help but think of it as s kind of data collection plan. Soooo this is what I think my template will be, but I would really like some input from anyone who has been through this before.  I’ve crawled some blogs to try and figure out what would be useful to monitor:

Day X, date, cycle #, cycle type

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s).

Medical procedures undertaken.

How do I feel today?  (i.e. my emotions)

What are my symptoms? (i.e. my physical reactions)

How does Chris feel today?  (i.e. his emotions, if he is willing to share them that is)

Any results? (i.e. blood tests, ultrasounds)

What’s next? (any thing significant in the next 24-48 hrs)

Weight. (has it changed?)

Waist size.  (has it changed?)

Boob size

Temp?? (should I do this or is it pointless because meds screw temps up?)

I want to start this week so I can capture a baseline of some of these stats before I start Birth Control Pills next week, like weight etc.

Do you think I have missed anything???

Reflections on the future – using someone else’s ten lessons learned on Infertility

A friend of mine recently sent me a link to a Huffington Post Article “Ten things I would tell my past self about infertility”, written by Kathryn Kefauver Goldberg (she has written other posts too).  Not only was it an interesting article, but my friend told me “I can be your number 9”.  Number 9 in the list of ten things was:

9.  Find one person to whom you can talk uncensored.  Check in with yourself about what and who feels good.  This might be a friend, a counselor, a support group — anyone who can support you unconditionally and isn’t invested in the outcome.

Well of course, my friend already is my number 9 🙂  I’ve got this one nailed already!  So what about the other 9 suggestions in the list of Ms Goldberg’s lessons learned?

1.  Recognise that the limbo of infertility puts you in an impossible situation.  This is something we are totally dealing with right now, with the added limbo on whether we stay in the US or move back to Europe.  Fortunately, one of those limbos has been taken away – I have been offered an indefinite contract, so I don’t have to leave the US in December!  We have choices.  But we don’t have choices when it comes to whether we get pregnant or not!  So we are handling it OK right now, better than last week.  We will just take one to two weeks at a time.  It’s pretty hard work on the abdominal muscles all this limbo business, but you get a good work out, and your muscles only get stronger as time goes on.

2.  Feeling sadness will not define your path.  I have had a pretty tough few weeks on this front, and I have questioned my ability at work, if I am coping.  I even asked myself if I was depressed.  I don’t believe I am depressed, but just sad.  Being sad is OK.  How do I know I am not depressed?  Well I just googled it, and I am not depressed, I don’t fit the descriptions.

3. Define and honor your limits.  Here Ms Goldberg talks about pressure to try everything on the medical front.  It can be quiet easy to go far without questioning medical treatment, for example agreeing to ICSI, agreeing to freezing embryos, agreeing to participate in research etc.  We have made sure we talk about it together, but I am not sure Chris and I have the same feelings on how far we go on our path.  I think I will feel what I will feel, in the future and I can’t predict that right now, so I don’t want to put a maximum number of attempts, money or time on our path.

4.  Listen to your doctor and trust your gut.  I’m not very good at questioning a doctor, after all they are supposed to be the qualified ones, right? But I do get gut feelings about people and I have a positive gut feeling about our doctor, even if she seems a little crazy sometimes.

5.  Have rote answers prepared for nosey questioners.  I have talked about this on two occasions recently, but I think it depends on the situation.  It’s a careful balance.  This week I caught up with some friends I haven’t seen for a year, and I totally lied to them about what we are going through (I didn’t lie directly, I just avoided the opportune moment to talk about it) and I wish I had just been honest because I know they would have been great about it.

6.  For every medical procedure you go through, find a soothing activity for your body.  Ahhh a couple of massages I think might be scheduled.  Maybe we need to think about this more.

7.  Take care of your heart.  This is more about protecting yourself from emotional overload moments, like going to baby showers.  Well I have decided to tackle these head on.  Infertility doesn’t define the me and the type of friend I want to be to my friends.  I won’t let it, and it’s worked so far.  I will take care of my heart, but I know Chris has got me on this one too.  He’s like my cod liver oil or what ever is good for your heart – he is my added protection layer for my heart.

8.  Invent a project.  Well I have decided to take another online course starting in a week.  This will be my project.  It will be a useful distraction, I hope, rather than be an added stress.

10.  It will be OK, though your definition of OK will change.  I tell myself this a lot. Everything is going to be OK.  And if I ever doubt this, all I need to do is listen to Chris’s playlist of movie’s all time greatest dramatic soundtracks, like the one below.  And everything is going to be OK again.  This is my future.

It starts with the egg….

30yr old nothing told me about this book……“It starts with the egg” by Rebecca Fett.  I looked into the excellent reviews and decided to order it from amazon.  I am not going to do a book review here…but I will mention a few things the book has made me think about.  The book has certainly opened my eyes to new things I have not considered before:

  • Adding supplements to your diet such as Vitamin D, Folic Acid and CoQ10.
  • Avoiding toxins that can harm the development of eggs and increase the risk of miscarriage.
  • Fertility friendly diet by reducing intake of simple carbohydrates, sugar and trans-fats.

There are other things talked about in the book which are not relevant to me, but relevant to ladies with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and a little bit about sperm.  The book is supported with lots of scientific evidence.  Certainly the list of supporting research looks compelling.  But to be honest, I have not had much of a chance to read up about it and look at the evidence against it 🙂

The suggestions Ms Fett makes to improve egg quality are generally related to living a ‘healthy lifestyle’, but there are a few things that we may consciously try to adapt into our lives.

First of all, supplements.  I was taking a multi-vitamin gummy that included 400mg of Folic Acid rather than the standard 200mg, which our nurse said was sufficient.  But there are other supplements that I could benefit from when trying to conceive other than Folic Acid that supports healthy egg development.  Including CoQ10 and Vitamin D, amongst others.  So I have purchased these two supplement gummies which provide all the goodies to support good development of eggs (the irony being they are full of sugar…keep reading to understand the irony!!) I chose gummies because my stomach can’t handle the coating of most multi-vitamin pills.

supplements

Next, exposure to toxins such as BPA (Bisphenol-A) and phthalates (pronounced THAL-LATES by the way, I had to look that one up ;-)).  BPA is in a lot of plastics such as food wrapping, tupperware, water bottles etc.  There is a lot on the internet you can read about the bad things about BPA.  Among other associated health issues there is evidence to suggest that this toxin can affect egg quality.  Worryingly, even ‘BPA free’ plastics may still be toxic.

Pthalates is another toxin that may impact egg quality and has also been linked to miscarriage, this is found in soft plastic, vinyl, cleaning products, nail polish and fragrances.  Like BPA, phthalates seems to be everywhere.  The CDC has a quick fact sheet on phthalates here.

So how much of this toxic stuff do we have in our household?  Well, all our food goes into tupperware.  We drink from plastic wrapped and packaged food except on occasion when we buy fancy organic items like juice.  To what extent will we be able to avoid BPA?  Well it can be quite hard.  Here is an article about 6 steps to avoid BPA.  I also wear perfume, wash my hair in this stuff and so on and so forth.  Here is an excellent article on how to avoid phthalates too.  We can start making steps towards this, but it will require some lifestyle changes with tupperware and beauty products!!  And this all costs money in the end, quite frankly we are not made of money, so we can try to reduce exposure, but we will not get rid of it completely.

Finally diet.  It is no surprise that poor diet is correlated to fertility issues.  However, there are some interesting facts in this book that made me think twice.  Namely sugar and carbohydrates.

Now, I will admit that I am a bit of a sugar addict.  I generally prefer artificial sweetners in my tea and drinks, but I do have a sweet tooth for gummy sweets such as haribo and other desserts.  If I had to choose between a starter, main or dessert, I’d always go for the dessert.  Having said that, I do eat healthily in general with lots of fruit, veg and healthy main meals.  So giving up sugar is going to be difficult.  I’m not sure I can go cold turkey on it.  For example, having a cup of tea in the morning is my ‘wake up’ tool.  I hate tea without sweetner.  But I could try to give up eating fresh cookies that I buy every other day at work and give up desserts.  Did you know that sugar is even in cornflakes and rice crispies?  Chris and I tend to eat granola or other ‘organic’ breakfast cereals, but even these have a lot of sugar in them.  Sugary breakfasts will also be hard to give up.

Giving up carbohydrates completely would be bad for you.  But giving up simple carbohydrates and replacing them with complex carbs to give a slow release of energy through the day would be a good thing.  You have to read the book to understand in detail why this is good for egg development.  Chris and I eat healthy dinners in general anyway, so replacing white rice and pasta should be quite easy.  However, most brown rice and pasta takes a long time to cook, it will just take longer to prepare dinner.

What’s a girl to do?

To how extreme does one go with this?  How much is too much?  How far is too far?  Is this just another new check list of living a healthy lifestyle?  Is everything OK but just in moderation? What is in moderation?  Should we just go cold turkey and cut it all out?  Should we both do this together?  We will never really know the answer to these questions…but Chris and I will keep talking about these things and try to work together to make any changes we see that will benefit us both in the long run.

Now…what am I going to do with this jar of haribo sat in my cupboard??????!!!!!!

mmmmm haribo

mmmmm haribo