Tag: feelings

So, do you want children too?

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So, do you want children too?

Multiple choice answers, you only get one chance to get the right answer:

A) Reply smoothly, “Yes, some day soon – kids are cool”.

B) Reply, indignantly “No, never ” (By the way, did you know that you just spent 10 minutes complaining about kids taking up all your free time – you have put me off them for life).

C) Reply, matter-of-factly “Yes, actually we going to be making one in a petri dish next month, maybe even two.  Hopefully that will do the trick.”

D) Pretend to see someone calling you from the other side of the room and run away, trying not to cry until you make it to the toilets.

This weekend I went to a beautiful wedding back in the UK, my friend from school was tying the knot!!  I lamented in my last post about drinking alcohol at the party and dreading answering the question why I wasn’t drinking.  In the end, I decided to have a couple of drinks, but only a glass of champagne and glass of wine – I also tried a bit of gin and tonic (ohhhhhh how I miss you gin and the bitter-sweet taste of tonic water with a slice of tongue tingling lime).  I will say, that having not being used to these beverages I was a little tipsy – in a good way – it went straight to my head!  But a merry affair was had 🙂  It was just the most lovely wedding and I am so happy for my friend that she has found love with a rather lovely gentleman who will treat her well.

The wedding was at a beautiful venue in a harbour on the South coast (a tad windy!)

The wedding was at a beautiful venue in a harbour on the South coast (a tad windy!)

Right, back to the subject of this post.  Without thinking much about having to answer the question “Why are you not drinking”…I forgot about the classic question that came a bit out left of field “So…how about you, do you want children?”.  And to make matters worse, the question came from a ‘high school ex boyfriend’ who I haven’t since in as many years.  He had just spent several minutes talking about his kids (who, by the way, were two adorable little cuties who are super bright) and he then just came out with the question.

So which multiple choice answer do you think I gave???  Well, for some reason I decided to go with C: “Yes, actually we going to be making one in a petri dish next month, maybe even two.  Hopefully that will do the trick.”  I don’t know why it was my instinct to say it, but then the conversation just got awkward after that.  Damn it.  I hate awkwardness.  I won’t be using that answer EVER again 🙂  I’ll stick with A: “Yes, some day soon – kids are cool”.

And time stands still….

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Time is standing still – nothing has changed in our lives, well not in the way we planned for anyway.  And everyone else is moving forward.  I noticed this today as I realised our hopes have not yet come to fruition.

In April 2014 I went back to the UK for a school friend’s wedding; it was the first time I’d seen some old friends for quite some time and my friend who was getting married lives in Australia so it was soooo good to catch up – in style of course!  I wasn’t drinking at the time – there was a free bar – so I braved telling a couple of my friends that Chris and I were trying for a baby.  I remember being EXCITED yet nervous.  14 months later, and I am going back to the UK for another wedding.  I will see people I haven’t seen in 14 months and some people I haven’t seen since school!!!!  What’s my story this time?  Why am I not drinking? Well it’s the same story – Chris and I are trying for a baby.  But this time I’m going to feel sad, I’m not sure I can face actually saying the words out loud this time without a tear in my eye.

So my plan of attack is to drink….Well drink a little bit – or walk around with a glass in my hand at least.  Part of me also thinks – what does a bit of alcohol matter?  Well I will be about 6DPO at the wedding (I don’t know for sure because I haven’t tracked my cycle, I’m guestimating).  Darn it!!! I’m going to feel guilty drinking more than one.

And so time has stood still – I just ‘liked’ about ten posts on facebook all relating to babies becoming toddlers, toddlers becoming kindergarten kids.  Babies I have still yet to meet, who won’t be babies when I do meet them.  Time continues to grow and build lives outside of mine.  I’m grateful that I have a happy and fortunate life.  Life really could be worse.  I’m not being depressive.  Please do not worry!!! I am just being observant, sensing and feeling about time more than I ordinarily do – that is all.

from thedailyquotes.com

from thedailyquotes.com

Suggestions for keeping your sanity on the Emotional Roller Coaster of Infertility Treatment

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In our pack of homework there was a little article from our fertility clinic’s resident psychologist.  I am sure she wouldn’t mind me copying it to my blog to share with everyone else if it helps anyone else.  Thank you Dr Barbara Kersey for your wise words….

1.  Lower your expectations of yourself at this time.  Infertility treatment is stressful.  Learn to say “no” to other commitments that are not absolutely necessary.  Chris and I both agreed we need to do this more.

2. Don’t listen to “horror stories” from other patients or friends.  Keep your own counsel in the waiting room.  Exchange only helpful, positive suggestions with others.  I haven’t heard too many horror stories on the blogs.  I don’t go to forums too much because this is where I have come across horror stories.  I’ll be honest, I tend to find bloggers a bit more educated in their opinions compared to those who may be posting on forums.  That doesn’t mean all people on forums are not educated, I just find that sometimes forums can be a little laisez faire behind posts.  So far we have not spoken to anyone in the waiting room, and we probably won’t; it’s quite a daunting place, but you never know if someone there has just had a miscarriage or just found out they are pregnant.  I’m not inclined to start any conversations here.

3.  Make it your business to be as calm as possible when you are here for treatment.  This won’t guarantee that you will get pregnant, but it can only help.  Whenever I have an appointment I have had my blood pressure taken – there is definitely a correlation behind the type of appointment and my increased blood pressure!  But I have noticed that it was lower for my third IUI.  Hopefully that is because I am relaxing a bit more.

4.  To  help develop your sense of calm, try yoga, meditation, full body massage, journaling, walking etc.  ANYTHING that helps keep your balance.  I love yoga, blogging, walking – I think one can always add in a massage or two here or there!

5.  Recogonise that the staff is here to help you.  Anxiety and anger are natural feelings, but won’t help you (or anyone else) to let staff bet the recipient of these feelings.  We spoke with a nurse once about this issue.  I said that they must have a very difficult job when dealing with such sensitive patients.  The nurse said she finds it hard and there are very difficult days, but equally a number of rewarding days.  She never knows how a patient will react so tends to keep very reserved.  My hats go off to the doctors and nurses working in this industry for the challenges they face everyday.

6.  Get outside support.  Try Resolve, the national support group for couples who deal with infertility.  For information go to www.resolve.org.  Once softball league is finished next week, we might go to one of our local meetings.  We both agree it might be a good idea to meet some others and get some support.

7.  Recognise that infertility is a COUPLES’ issue.  Keep the lines of communication open with your partner.  Infertility is a huge stress on marriage.  Get outside help if needed.  Well Chris wrote a blog post about this the other day…so I won’t say much more other than he is a great rock to me, I hope I am to him too.  I hope we can keep doing this all the way until we have a little F. (Obviously keeping the whole marriage thing up afterwards too 😉 )

Happy Friday Y’all!!! (Check me out with my American speak!!!)

Facts are stubborn things

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Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.

John Adams, ‘Argument in Defense of the Soldiers in the Boston Massacre Trials,’ December 1770

Facts are stubborn things, and in a court of law the statement attributed to Mr. Adams makes great sense. ‘…Whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” What this quote fails to address are the situations in which emotion outweigh fact, override fact and outright overwhelm fact,

We are meeting with our IVF counselor this week to discuss the timetable for our next treatment. We will sit and discuss the day by day steps to be taken, hear factual descriptions of the laboratory procedures and be given % chances of success. All the facts will be laid out before us, helping us understand how our chances of conceiving will be good. And yet, we will probably leave the meeting with some degree of trepidation, some niggling concern, and perhaps some fear….what if it doesn’t work this time? The cause of these feeling is emotion, overriding the logic and the facts.

The facts of IVF are only part of the story, in fact (pun intended) they are only a small part of the IVF journey, Emotions are the main event, and this is where the trouble starts. Emotions are irrational, they can sneak up on us and they make this entire process much harder. Couples going through infertility treatment have to deal with a lot of new facts whilst at the same time dealing with a lot of new emotions, many of which will be strong emotions. Whilst the IVF clinics are sensitive to this it is not their role to handle the emotions for the couples, that is something the couples must do for themselves.

Couples are a team, and strong couples will work together through the hard times, supporting each other, with each person playing a part. Usually hard times impact one partner more than another, such as a the death of a relative. This is not to say couples don’t share pain but there are very few occasions that truly impact both people equally; the loss of a child perhaps being the most obvious. IVF is a little different, the hard times are experienced by both people at the same time but the nature of the hardship is likely to be different for each person. With IVF it is rare for the issue to be linked to both partners, so perhaps one partner may have feelings of guilt that they are ‘at fault’. Conversely, the other partner may feel guilty because they don’t have any issues and therefore are causing pressure for the person with the issue. This type of second guessing is all to easy, and comes from us making assumptions and trying to apply logic (often flawed logic) to try an understand emotional situations.

Couples that do not communicate often and openly are liable to fall victim to this second guessing and assumption making. Couples that try to conform to stereo types are also at risk. If a man feels that he should be supporting his partner and should be the ‘pillar, the rock, the strong supportive one’, then he is not being honest to himself about his emotions and he is not being honest with her about how he feels. This type of approach can be done with the best of intentions but cause the worst of responses. The man may appear to be unaffected by the issues and thus the woman may wonder if she is over reacting and end up hiding her feelings. This is the complete opposite of what the man may have intended.

So what am I getting at here.? Openness, honesty and regular communication can help prevent misunderstandings when dealing with strong emotions. We (Dani and I) have found that talking a little and often has helped us, talking in the shower together, whilst preparing dinner or when driving to the shops. There is no schedule for us to talk about the emotions we feel, there is no time that is off limits and this helps us…at least I think it helps us….perhaps Dani is not being open with me and I am making assumptions….see how easy it is to get caught in this line of thought?

By being open about how we feel means we don’t get washed away in a torrent of emotion when faced with tough facts. Knowing that we are not hiding anything from each other makes the journey a little easier, a little safer, and a little less scary.

Caught in a friend gap

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Moving to a new country thousands of miles from friends and family has been a mixed bag of emotions.  Three years ago when I applied for my job in the US, Chris and I thought very hard about whether leaving the UK was the right thing to do.  We had only been married for about two months, and in the three years we were together preceding our marriage, I had spent one of those years in Afghanistan and another half a year traveling with work.  So as you can imagine, it might have seemed a little crazy to be moving half way across the world so soon after we tied the knot.  But it was our dream to live abroad, at the least before having children.  So we went for it, and on 1st January 2013 we packed our two suitcases and got on a plane to Virginia, USA.

We have missed weddings, birthdays, births, parties, funerals along with just missing friends and family in general.  But we have made new friends, and experienced weddings, parties, birthdays and births here in the US too.  At the ripe age of 32 years old, we are not the socialites that we used to be.  We pretty much like being in bed by 10pm, some nights you will find us in bed at 9.  We even joined a sports and social club where we have met some very lovely people, and made some very lovely friends.  But I can’t help but feel in friend limbo.  We haven’t been here long enough to have established the types of strong friendships that we have in the UK, whom we have known since childhood or university.  I think part of this is our age.  We are old enough that we don’t bond with people who like to go out drinking or partying, but people who are our age tend to have children, and it’s difficult to bond over something you don’t have yourself.  Dreaming of having children isn’t quite the same.

In the US the average age of a parent is 25.1, in the UK it is 30.  And that statistic sums up our predicament.  Maybe I am mistaken behind this reasoning, but I feel like we do not bond quite as well with people our own age here in the US because they typically have children.  We have a couple of friends who have children, but I can’t help but feel like our bonds haven’t fully sealed.  Just as we started to make friends with some younger people, but they have moved on, just like we did….to other parts of the country, or even other countries.  And I really honestly have reached a point where I feel like not bothering to make new friends.  Working with the military, I am now getting a bit tired of making friends just for them to move on after 2-3 years.

With infertility looming over our heads, I sometimes feel lost without good friends by our sides.  Fortunately, I have some amazing friends back in the UK who have been so incredibly supportive through everything so far.  I am so lucky.  But I have hardly told anyone here in the US about our infertility treatment.  And so this is why I am considering going to our local RESOLVE meeting; I hope to actually meet other couples similar to us.  Friends in the UK are great, but it’s not so great when you just want a hug or just fancy doing something random and spontaneous to help get you out of hole.

Without knowing if my contract will be renewed at the end of the year, we are on a weird cliffhanger.  This may be our last summer here.  We may only have 6 months left to see and do everything.  But we may be here longer.  We keep telling ourselves that we should live in the present and not hold back.  But even still, I can’t help feel like we are caught in a friend gap right now.  Why does it feel like as we get older, having a kid is the ‘get out of jail free’ card?  It just doesn’t seem right.

Our options widen…but not on the kids’ parties front

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I had a great email today from our legal department.  They told us that the US government forsees no legal impediment based on our visa status for adopting in the US, either domestically or internationally. They are also aware of two other families from my organisation who have previously adopted successfully, however one family had a few complications over the legal issues.  However, it sounds like if you have money to burn, the legal issues will disappear.  I don’t mean in a corrupt way, but rather the more you pay the more you get in terms of service.

We asked our legal team to help us look into our visa status so we would know if it was actually possible for us as ‘legal aliens’ to adopt if we decide to stay in the US.  It took about three weeks for everything to be double checked, but it was worth the wait and now we know….we can adopt!

I also had a phone call from our IVF nurse co-ordinator today.  We have an appointment next week with her to go through the whole process in more depth than the doctor did – apparently it will take about 1.5hrs!!  She sounded very friendly and helpful (I guess you have to be do that job!)  She also informed me something the doctor forgot to tell us last week.

The Embryology lab is going through a refurbishment in late June/early July!

Fortunately it sounds like it won’t affect us as we would expect an egg retrieval in mid July.  I hope they don’t over run their re-furb or delay it because that would suck going through all that just to have our cycle cancelled because of some lazy painters!!! But I’m sure they wouldn’t let something like that happen.

I’m currently on Cycle Day 19 and I’m feeling great.  I have had the odd pain, but nothing like the sharp pains from the last two IUI cycles.  Fingers crossed they don’t come back that it was just a side effect of the progesterone and nothing else nasty causing them.  Our break from trying to conceive has been quite fun; next weekend we are planning a trip to our local beer festival and Bush Gardens to try out their new roller coaster ‘Tempesto’!

Physically the break is doing me good.  Mentally, I’ve still had a few odd moments.  This last weekend we didn’t go to our friend’s daughter’s 3rd birthday party at the petting zoo.  Now, I love animals. Love love love them, and who doesn’t love to pet animals!  But I freaked out at the last minute about going someplace where everyone else will have a kid with them and we would be the odd ones out.  I mean, why would anyone go to a petting zoo without a kid in tow?  If it had been a party at their house or somewhere more neutral in that sense I wouldn’t have had a problem. It was just the idea of feeling like we didn’t belong, with the potential for random strangers asking ‘oh which one is your kid’? Or, like the time a random granny noticed us at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony, told us ‘It’s OK that you don’t have a kid’. Yeah, I’ve been there before….and right now it is not for me.  I felt bad that I couldn’t pull myself together to go, I hope they can understand.  I’m sure they do.  I just wish I didn’t feel like this.

So to end this post on a positive note…here is a picture of a cheeky goat that we know.

Who wouldn't want to pet this cheeky goat? Oh that would be me, big chicken pants.

Who wouldn’t want to pet this cheeky goat? Oh that would be me, the big chicken pants.

Understanding: #YouAreNotAlone, #NIAW, #WeAreNotAlone

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NIAW-CMYK

The baby shower

I sit in the corner, quietly observing the group, hoping no one talks to me and asks me how I am.  I’ve been dreading this day for weeks.  I am not really sure what the etiquette of baby showers is.  I’ve learned about wedding, birthday parties, funerals and baptism etiquettes, but as a Brit living in the US, baby showers are new to me.  One thing I do know for sure is that sobbing away in the corner, trying to make sure no one sees is not part of the celebrations.  Why all the tears?  Because this should be my time for my baby shower.  I don’t mean to sound self-centred, but you see we have been trying to conceive for 17 months now.

Like the singleton table set aside at weddings, baby showers should come with a table reserved for infertiles.  After all, 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age could have a seat at this table.

My tears are short lived, of course, as the excitement of adorable ‘mini-me’ baby gifts and funny games take the course of the day.  Our friend who has that beautiful pregnancy glow to her skin, was happy.  So happy.  For me this was all I needed to prevent me from drowning in my own misery and enjoy the party.

Unfortunately, it seemed that not all of us could cope this well.  One of the guests left within 10 minutes of arriving.  She had driven hundreds of miles for the baby shower.  Why would you drive all that way just to stay for 10 minutes?  And so the speculation and rumours started.  My husband interjected with a suggestion “Perhaps she is trying for a baby and found it all too much?”.  We both looked at each other with that ‘knowing’ look.  Sadly, no one in the room bought this excuse, dismissed it and the speculation continued. The departing lady, who I did not know personally, may have been infertile, or perhaps she had some other good reason for leaving the baby shower as quickly as she had arrived.  Statistically, the chances were high that at least two of us at the shower were suffering from infertility. With both my husband and I in the room, it was easy to wonder who else is silently suffering?  If it was this lady, I wish I could have told her:

“You are not alone”

I would have held her hand, hugged her and told her it’s OK, I understand, we can face this disease together.

wish2

But for some people experiencing infertility, a hug from a stranger will never make the pain and hurt go away.  I know this.  I feel more comfortable on my infertility journey than I ever have been because I discovered a place where hugging strangers is quite a common place. The blogging world.  I have been surprised to discover comfort and understanding from the ‘virtual’ hugs, support, discussion and love from the biggest group of ‘strangers’ I know.  It’s not just strangers that have joined us on our journey, but a small group of family and friends too.  The ability to communicate, open my heart and share my feelings has been a therapy for me.  But not everyone we care about knows of our struggles because it is not easy to talk about.

Please help us on our journey.

As it is infertility awareness week, we are taking a big leap and inviting you to join us on our journey – or more aptly put – the hunt for the great pudding club.  You have been invited because we trust and love you.  We want you to know that this week we will be starting a new chapter in our journey.  Ironically it is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, it is a surprisingly common diagnosis for about 25% of those with infertility.  To date we have tried three rounds of artificial insemination, known as IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination).  This week has been particularly difficult for us as our final prescribed round of treatment failed.  With each round of treatment the sad news of our failure does not get any easier to digest, rather, the sadness stacks up and our hearts grow heavier.

The IUI procedure summed up

The IUI procedure nicely summed up

We are now at the cross roads stage where we do not know exactly which route we will take: IVF, gestational carrier, adoption or even child-free.  Whichever route we do decide to take, we want you to be there with us.

How you can help us

Opening our hearts about our infertility journey leaves us with open wounds, and the occasional feeling of self-inflicted nausea (wishing it was nausea from pregnancy, of course!).  If you would like to come with us we have some ideas on how to help us through our journey…

  1. Ask us how we are doing, and if we do not to tell you every intricate detail of our treatment, please don’t be offended. Sometimes we just don’t want to talk about it because we have been thinking about it all morning and just stopped thinking about it.
  2. We love hearing stories about how your little one was conceived, especially the funny stories. But please do not tell us that we should try this position, or that method.  After all, I am pretty sure we have tried everything we could possibly google.  Legs up, from behind, on top, downward dog, on holiday, when drunk, herbal tea, with a full moon etc… The chances are slim that we will be able to conceive naturally.
  3. Although telling us about your friend that conceived after X time, with X procedure might seem affirming, everyone with infertility is different and so your story probably won’t apply to our situation. The obstacles each one of us faces will be different and the path we take will be unique.
  4. Please don’t ask us 14 days after our fertility treatment procedure if it worked. If it worked, we will tell you in our own time if we find out I am pregnant (it won’t be long after we find out, I am sure the excitement will be too much!); if it didn’t work, we need some time for ourselves to contemplate our next steps and to just have a big old cry.
  5. We like emails, phone calls, skypes and messages that remind us that there are other things going on in the world. We don’t want to think about infertility and babies all the time.  It can be emotionally exhausting at times.  Send us photos, tell us funny stories or pass on a couple of memes.  Please don’t feel like you are treading on egg shells around us or worry that we are too busy to speak to you.
  6. We also want to hear about your little ones too and would love to be invited to events and parties too, after all we are going to be parents sometime soon too 🙂
  7. Finally, please don’t suggest ‘You can just adopt’ to us. If you look into adoption you will quickly learn that this process is not easy, cheap or free from emotional baggage.  There are no guarantees. The casual statement of ‘you can just adopt’ makes it seem like not being able to conceive isn’t that big of a deal and ironically is often said by people who already have their own children. Such a casual, throw away statement makes the whole process seem like we can simply go to the store and pick the type of baby we want from the range on the shelves.

The list above is specific to us, not everyone who suffers infertility will feel comfortable with what we are suggesting, each couple will deal with it in a different way, so if you know someone else who is going through this you should ask them how you can help.

Regardless of the individual items on people’s lists, one thing we can all do is be cautious, being a little more sensitive and take a little time to think before asking anyone about having children. If you know a couple that has recently married it is easy to ask ‘so when will we hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, eh?’ but what if the couple is struggling to conceive? Such an innocent question and yet it could be devastating. We’re not saying don’t ask questions, just don’t make assumptions. Until we had gone through this experience I would often be the one asking such questions, I only realise now how hurtful those questions could have been.

What else can I do?

Come join us, support National Infertility Awareness Week by adding a twibbon to your facebook profile.  You can follow my blog or facebook page, read the links below to help understand more about infertility.  Share your awareness so that others who quietly suffer do not feel like they are alone.

Thank you for understanding as we go through some challenging decisions and supporting us, giving us hope like you have already, we feel very much loved in the knowledge that we are not alone on our journey.

Dani & Chris X

#WeAre1in8 #YouAreNotAlone #WeAreNotAlone

Bitter Sweet Days

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When logging on to catch up on my daily dose of the blogging world, I get a little bit excited.  I am excited because I love to see that announcement I myself long to write.  Seeing those beautiful two pink lines.  I am inspired by women who have stayed strong through their battles against infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, they are unaware what their blogs have helped to overcome in the last few months.

But excitement is rarely straight forward in the infertility community.  Parties, ‘champagne’, phone calls, hugs, kisses, messages from loved ones are not always immediately possible.  I get nervous when I log on almost as much as I get excited.  I get nervous for those who the bitter sweet of the two pink lines can be several weeks down the line, who may experience the greatest sadness of their lives.  The happiness, cruelly taken away.  The punch in the stomach.  The pain and headaches from sadness and sometimes even a depressive hole.  I am nervous for them.

There is nothing more I can say about these feelings other than how I find some days to be simply bitter sweet.  I know the old saying ‘When life throws you lemons, make lemonade’, but sometimes life is just not like that.  Those lemons suck.  Really suck.

I wish....

Wishing happiness….

Reflections upon being pregnant in a war zone – what scares me

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The big question: why did I write about something that happened way back in 2007?  Why did I open up some old wounds by writing and thinking about when I was pregnant in Iraq? For the most part, it’s because I drove for four hours on my own, so I had plenty of time to think.  Very dangerous, I know!  Thinking AND driving!  But actually, it is because I have a fear, a fear of being pregnant again.  It sounds rather silly writing it down on an infertility blog. But of course I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world, but this fear is about suffering the ‘side effects’ of severe morning sickness like I did before in 2007.

Hypermesis Education & Research Foundation

Hyperemesis Education & Research Foundation

Last time I was pregnant I suffered severe morning sickness (also known as Hyperemesis gravidarum) and horrific abdominal pains (compared to my normal Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) pains, these were what I considered to be horrific anyway!)  The worst of the symptoms lasted for over three weeks and the nausea continued until the end of my pregnancy of 10 weeks.  There was no way I could have worked during this period.  But to what extent were those symptoms as a result of the environment and conditions I was experiencing at the time – heat, exhaustion, stress, poor food quality and choice?

When Chris and I first met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), Chris asked her if my previous pregnancy could be a clue as to why we were not pregnant yet.  I didn’t think it would be so I hadn’t mentioned the severe morning sickness in my questionnaire.  The RE did confirm that it was not likely to be associated.  But, now that I think about it, perhaps it wasn’t such a silly question after all.  Because quite frankly, any explanation to our fertility troubles would be nice right now.  I’m quite bored of asking ‘Why me??’

Today I am 12 Days Past IUI number 2 (12DPIUI#2), and so far potential symptoms of pregnancy:

  • Short sharp cramps just around both sides of my ovaries
  • Sharp cramp like pains under the left side and right side of my ribs.
  • Sore boobs, but not tender to touch, just achey.
  • Today I have felt a little nauseous, but Chris has had a funny tummy today, so potentially we ate something funny.

And that is it, not much to go by, but the sharp pains reminded me of my previous pregnancy so I have been more positive about this cycle so far.  Just two more days to go til the big test.

I am afraid to be pregnant but want to be pregnant more than anything.

And that sums up my emotional roller coaster right now 🙂 /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/——