Tag: infertility

The healing power of Stockholm and my Nobel Prize

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As I return from my work travels in Stockholm, I have some down time to reflect upon our recent failed first round of IVF.  I say ‘failed’…it’s actually quite difficult to say with any confidence that it was actually the IVF that failed us.  It is possible I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, but the doctors were unable to confirm it, although they treated me for it with methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy to be on the safe side.  Something was growing, they just could see it.  If my pregnancy was truly ectopic, then it wasn’t the IVF that caused the demise of my pregnancy….the IVF treatment managed to get me pregnant, but my body decided it wasn’t going to succeed; my body simply decided that this wasn’t my time to join the pudding club.

Or it could all simply be described as just terrible bad luck.  Sometimes, there is just no reason known to man why Mother Nature can be so cruel.

Of course, it is natural to blame oneself.  There are several potential causal links to an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy: tubal damage, smoking, age, IVF – all of these increase the risk: approximately 1-2% of pregnancies are ectopic.  But mostly there is just the plain and simple element of unfortunate luck.  You can find on the web doctors who speculate that the risks are higher with IVF because either:

  • a) With a 3-day transfer, the embryo that would ordinarily be in Fallopian tube at this stage, seeks out the more fluffy warm tubes because that is where it thinks it should be, then gets completely lost and doesn’t ask for directions.
  • Or b) the doctor who performs the embryo transfer procedure places the embryos too high up in the uterus; or they are transferred too quickly and end up in the wrong place.

However, my doctor explained to me that statistically speaking, the risk of ectopic pregnancy doubles with IVF because generally there are two embryos being transferred and so that risk doubles from 1% to 2%.    This makes a whole lot of sense to me.  I was just unlucky.

I am thinking through all of this right now because I need to take away something positive from this failed cycle.  I’ve got to get my cup half full again….and so the positive could be that we just needed that extra help from ICSI or the hormones, and I was just one of the really unlucky ones to not stay pregnant this time.  Next time might just be our time.  There is still no reason why it shouldn’t be.

I was feeling a little sorry for myself in my last post.  But the last couple of days have been an improvement, and it is starting to look like our path is finally beginning to flatten out, allowing us to take a breather.

Time to catch a breather before heading off on to the foggy path called infertility.

Time to catch a breather before heading off on to the foggy path called infertility.

I have been kept mentally busy with work, socialising and networking with my colleagues, so I have had little time to think emotionally about the failed round of treatment.  Physically, the pain has dissipated, the bleeding continues (seriously, where does it all come from?!!?), but it is a very small amount that it has barely bothered me.  I still feel exhausted, but jet lag most likely lays claim to the cause of that.  I miss my pre-natal multi-vitamins, I really hope to be allowed to take them again soon.  They help keep my bowels in shape and my energy up.

And I will grow back my positivity because over the next 3 months as we have a plan to get us to our next IVF cycle (hopefully if I get the all clear from my repeat HSG!!).  In short – we have our 2 week, 2000 miles, road trip starting from Las Vegas, visiting various amazing places like Grand Canyon, Zion national park, Bryce Canyon, Monument Valley, Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Petrified Forest, Painted Desert, Hoover Dam and a whole lot more.  I have another 3 work trips to Europe to fit in – Munich, Berlin and Brussels/Mons (I haven’t been to Berlin yet so that is exciting!).  We have a consult with our doctor scheduled for late October to discuss the plan for the next cycle.  I need to find some time to fit in a HSG once my period returns (seriously NOT looking forward to that).  I am hoping my body is going to play nice and we can get an IVF cycle in just before Christmas.  It’s also Chris’s Birthday soon and I want to organise a small party for him.  And amongst all that we are going to try and fit in a weekend away to Shenandoah National Park to see the beautiful colours of autumn.  No time for stopping over the next 3 months!!

Stockholm has done me a lot of good (despite the jet lag), I’m feeling mentally refreshed and excited to be moving forward.  However, I was very disappointed to discover that my invitation to pick up my Nobel Prize must have got lost in the post.

No Nobel Prize for me.....But it was beautiful!

No Nobel Prize for me…..But it was beautiful!

But I did get a chance to scope out the building they award them in, the museum my name would be listed in, and the best restaurants to celebrate at….May be someday I’ll be back 😉 bahahahahaha – Keep dreaming Dani!

The Nobel Museum, Stockholm

The Nobel Museum, Stockholm – Something to reach high for 🙂

Is the pain in my mind?

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I have had a very specific pain around my right ovary for the past four days. The pain worsened in the evenings, I slept it off after getting to sleep with the aid of the pain killers and my sheer exhaustion.  It felt like something was pushing inside, wanting to pass.  The acetaminophen & codeine-3 was barely hitting this very specific pain.

Late last night I considering going to the Emergency Room.  I knew that my doctor had said I shouldn’t travel to Europe if I was having pain.  Well I was in pain, the drugs weren’t stopping it, but I wasn’t doubled over with the pain, I was getting waves of pain, increasing intensity and then becoming dull but it was in this one particular spot.  I couldn’t ‘touch’ the pain, when I pushed down it didn’t hurt more or less.  Was I being stubborn or just simply stupid for ignoring this?  I read stories of women whose fallopian tubes had ruptured weeks after taking the methotrexate.  Surely this was a very rare event, it can’t be happening to me?  I cried a lot in my indecisiveness.  Chris even cried with me because he didn’t know how to help me – it was my decision to make whether or not to go to A&E – he felt helpless.  I didn’t want to go to hospital to spend a fortune for me to be sent home again – or worse – they wouldn’t be able see anything again on the ultrasound and end up opening me up. Chris asked me a very good question – was the pain in my mind?  Was I making it out to be worse than it was because I didn’t want to travel to Europe?  It was a harrowing question to think about.  It was definitely a possibility.  The mind can play cruel tricks.  But I eventually decided that in the morning if I still had that specific pain we would call my clinic or go to ER.  That was my line.

I woke up this morning PAIN FREE!!!! It was an amazing relief.  I was exhausted and felt like I had been out on the town all night, waking up with a hangover.  Oh how I wish that were the case!  But I felt free.  That was for about 3 hours….then the heavy bleeding and passing of clots continued along with all that type of associated pain.  But this pain I could deal with compared to the specific pain I was having the past four days.  Such a relief.

So here I am waiting for my flight to Europe.  After connecting flight #1 I have discovered that flying whilst still miscarrying is not the greatest idea I’ve ever had.  I could feel I was about to pass something, then of course there was turbulence and the seat belt sign came on.  The flight attendant barked at a little old lady to sit back down!  So I sat there in my seat hoping I would not leak everywhere (sorry – I know this is probably way too much information!!!).  20 minutes later I couldn’t sit still anymore, so I got up despite the turbulence and dashed to the toilet.  I sat on the toilet thinking how ridiculous this whole situation was and sobbed.  I am so glad I didn’t wear mascara today, in fact, mascara has not been part of my make-up regime for several weeks now.  I thought about all the things I would shout at the flight attendant if she gave me grief about getting up from my seat! Fortunately she was too busy to bark at me.

I just have a 9hr flight to London, followed by 2hr flight to Stockholm to survive this mess!  Wish me luck!!!

The art of clothes shopping when coping with infertility

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I hate shopping.  I love having new things!  But I hate the actual act of shopping.  This stems from two problems I face, and more recently, as a direct result from dealing with infertility, a third problem has appeared.

  1.  I hate crowds – I hate sharing a shop with another person as the bimble in front of me or push past me.  I have my personal space….keep out of it!!!! I get quite antsy when I am unable to walk away freely and it ruins the whole shopping experience for me
  2. I have terrible fashion sense and an awkward sized body – small boobs, small waist, tall, big hips and fat ass!  I’m not quite pear shaped, but the majority of clothes do not fit my lower half of body unless they are stretchy or super baggy.  Therefore buying some of the simplest things can take me more than one shopping trip.
  3. More recently, I have noticed how much I hate walking past baby clothes stores, pregnant women and women pushing buggies without looking where they are going.  they are everywhere.  Really I had never noticed just how many baby clothes stores there were, until now.

So why don’t I just internet shop?  I remind you of problem 2.  I have never bought clothes form the internet – that is until now.  I discovered a service call Stitch Fix*.  Several months ago, I noticed my friend wearing a beautiful skirt, after complimenting her on it she told me it was from stitch fix.  So I looked into it some more…basically this is a service where clothes and accessories are selected by a stylist just for you and delivered direct to you.  No shops!! No wasting time sifting through lots of pictures on the internet!!!  No worries.

So how do they know what to send you?  Well you answer a questionnaire that includes your likes and dislikes….you are shown some photos of styles and you rate them, you provide them with all your different sizes (boobs, waist, hips, height etc), you also give them your price points, i.e. how much you would spend on a jacket, jeans, top, trousers, earrings etc.  They use data science modeling techniques to figure out what type of clothes would work best for you.  You also have a chance to write what you are looking for in your shipment of 5 items – may be a special occasion, or a holiday is coming up….or just in general the type of thing you want  A stylist reads any of your requests and selects 5 items based on all this.  And it is a surprise what you get!  Your box arrives beautifully wrapped.

I love receiving surprises in a box!

I love receiving surprises in a box!

You also receive a personal note from your stylist describing why they chose the items they have sent you, then they include little cards to show you how to accessorize each item they have sent you.  It is very neat.

Each card shows you how to style your item, and the stylist writes you a personal message :-)

Each card shows you how to style your item, and the stylist writes you a personal message 🙂

My very first box I kept all 5 items –  a handbag, a maxi dress (I have had so many random strangers compliment me on this one), a pair of jeans (that actually fit me!! How risky was that putting in a pair of jeans in the first box?!), and two blouses that worked for both casual and work.  I was very impressed.  I probably wouldn’t have picked half of these off of the shelf in the shop, but when I tried them on I really loved them!  Chris also helped me decide what to keep/not keep -so he can give his input without having to suffer being dragged around the shops!

(Another thing I generally dislike is shopping with other people, including Chris, because I feel pressured not to spend too long browsing or not try things on – I feel guilty – except with my mum and my friend E, I don’t feel so guilty with them :-p)

You have several days to try the clothes on and if you don’t like them you send them back in the prepaid packaging.  If you buy all 5 items you get a 25% discount.  You can choose how often you receive a package and can schedule one any time you fancy it – may be if you are feeling down!

Today my second package arrived (I chose to have a parcel once every 3 months)….I am very pleased with the stylists choices – again!  Unfortunately, one of the tops was damaged so I will have to send that back.  But I like what they chose for me and will be keeping them!

I will not lie, I am a bargain hunter…and this service is not the cheapest.  Basically I calculated they add onto the price of the items a premium I probably wouldn’t pay for in a store if I picked it up from the rack.   But when we added up the cost of fuel and the saving of hassle, I figured it was worth that ‘premium’.  Another of my friends who tried Stitch Fix after I told her about the success of my first package.  She kept one item – some jewellery.  But the rest she sent back as it either didn’t fit her or was just not to her taste.  She says she won’t be ordering any more from them. So they don’t always get it right!!!  My friend who referred me to Stitch Fix originally has never received a package where she kept all 5 items, but she is happy to just receive a few good things every so often.

So I now get to avoid the ‘crowded’* shops and all those baby stores, but still get the feeling of having new things!  Plus, I get to wear more fashionable clothes that actually fit and suit me!!!

Happy Friday everyone….so excited it is finally the weekend!!

Even Sushi loves Stitch Fix! Perfectly sized for a cat. In fact on their website they have a section dedicated to cats & dogs in stitch fix boxes!

Even Sushi loves Stitch Fix! Perfectly sized for a cat. In fact on their website they have a section dedicated to cats & dogs in stitch fix boxes!

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*I am not being paid or receiving any reward to write this blog – this is just my personal thoughts on a service I have found useful after realising that shopping can be quite depressing for me at times.  BUT if you are interested in it, then there is a referral system, let me know – but this is not why I am writing this blog post, there are other similar services out there which do a similar job!!

**Crowded for me is more than one other person in the store!!!

10 days of eughhh

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It’s been 10 days since I started to miscarry and I am just exhausted from all the emotions and the physical madness that is going on with my body.

My 7 day post-methotrexate injection hCG blood test went very well today.  My levels have almost exactly halved since monday, from 2696 to 1358, and dropped 58% overall since the injection was administered.  This bodes well for successful treatment. I am even allowed to travel to Stockholm – as long as I am not having any pain.  I am not going to hide it, I have been suffering with pain for past two evenings now (weird how it is mostly in the evening).  Last night I struggled to sleep because of it.  The 500mg extra strength acetaminophen doesn’t seem to cut the mustard, but the acetaminophen with codeine #3 I was prescribed for pain relief after my egg retrieval seems to work a bit better.

My favourite nurse drew my blood today, she asked how I was doing.  I just replied ‘eughhh’.  She understood and nothing more was said.

Here are two photos of my cat Diesel….sympathising with my ‘eughhh’ feeling.  Chris managed to take these beauties yesterday evening in an impromptu photo shoot…..

Chris captured Diesel in beautiful way yesterday evening

Chris captured Diesel in beautiful way yesterday evening

Chris captured Diesel in beautiful way yesterday evening

Chris captured Diesel in beautiful way yesterday evening

What would we do without our fur babies to keep us sane?

The party and the door mat

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The party!

My hCG levels reduced from 3200 to 2696 – that’s about a 15% decrease!!!  Time to party!! I’m heading out of the danger ectopic rupture zone!!

When I went in for my blood test, the nurse today asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test.  I said no.  She said ‘Oh’.  I said I have had about 10 blood draws in the last 2 weeks.  She said ‘Oh’.  Yeh – Oh.  Read your notes, love!

Then later this afternoon when a different nurse gave me my results and the good news, she passed me to the appointments desk to book my next beta hCG blood test.  The lady asked why they kept making me come in for betas.  I didn’t know how to answer that, and a moment passed and she said ‘Oh are they watching you levels fall? Oh I am sorry about that’.  Yeh – Oh.

But anyway, despite all that!  It is good news.  I returned to work today, it was good to be back thinking about other things in life.  I’m still hoping to be able to travel to Stockholm on Sunday!

Watch this space for a 3 month plan of attack!!!!

The door mat.

Whew!…my doormat took a bruising today from all those medical bills that miraculously landed on it!!! What timing!!!  The good thing about my clinic is that they take a few months to process all the claims, so we have a delay in paying all our bills, the bad news is that they all tend to come at once.  Ouchie.  I logged into my insurance….and I have a lot of claims to process, each ultrasound comes as one individual bill.  Each blood draw comes in two separate bills – one from the clinic, one from the lab.  Considering how many of those I have had over the last few months, let’s just say my doormat is going to get a beating from all those bills* 🙂

*OK so in the US I actually have a post box on the side of my house, they don’t post letters through doors like they do in the UK, so really I am talking more about a metaphorical door mat.

Methotrexate Side Effects

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I am just over 72hrs past my first methotrexate injection.  I have definitely noticed the side effects, but so far they have not been as bad as I thought.

Over the first 24hrs I felt nauseous and had a very dry mouth despite drinking lots – apparently this is very normal.  My bleeding also stopped – not what I was expecting.  Since those first 24 hrs, the nausea has continued 😦  I have spotted on and off (no more need for a pad, just a thin panty liner).  I have been super tired, but have been sleeping deeply – a silver lining I guess.  Last night I had weird pin-point pupils, Chris noticed them and so I looked in the mirror and absolutely freaked out.  With a quick google, it looks like it could be the painkillers that did that, so I am not keen on taking those anymore!  Pain has been bearable with pain killers – acetaminophen extra strong (NSAIDs like Ibuprofren are not good with the methotrexate), but the pain has been different to when I first started miscarrying where it felt like the worst period cramps, the pain I am experiencing now is short sharp bursts around my ovaries, but not constant.  Each time I get a short sharp burst of pain I hold my breathe (not literally) as I hope there is nothing crazy going on down there with a burst tube.

Apparently with methotrexate, the deed starts to kick in after 72 hrs, so I am hoping that tomorrow morning my hCG levels have begun to drop.

Emotionally, I have only broken down in tears three times – an average of once per day I believe is not bad going.  The things that upset the most is thinking about how for particular very short moments I actually believed this was a viable pregnancy and talked about the ‘may be’ and ‘what ifs’.  It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking like that.  Having said all that, I don’t think those thoughts are going to go away anytime soon.  So we have been focusing on our road trip out West, it helps a lot to re-focus the mind.  I think I am ready to go back to work tomorrow – I hope so, I’ve got a meeting in Stockholm to prepare for!  (that is if my doctor lets me fly :-s )

PS.  I have got to the point that I am not sure what category to post this under – ectopic pregnancy, suspected ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, part of IVF vol I???? I just hate not knowing if this was actually ectopic or not, they had no visible proof of where the pregnancy was and it frustrates the hell out of me – I think I will put it under feelings for now and figure it out later.  I wonder what the doctors call this?

A letter to all my friends

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Dear friend,

I hope this letter finds you well. At a time when we are feeling our lowest, I am trying to find ways to pick ourselves up, and I realised that all we really needed to do was think of you.  I realised we haven’t sent you acknowledgement of everything you have done for us, you see you are probably unaware of how much of a difference you have made to us as we face difficult times.  What I really want to you today is THANK YOU.  So here we go….

Thank you for being our cheer leaders.  Trying to conceive isn’t easy for everyone, and for some, like us struggling with infertility, it’s a mountain.  We feel lucky that we have you by our sides through this journey.  We are going to get there, and you keep reminding us that we will make it, but sometimes we forget where we are going and consider turning back.  You are there to tell us to keep going, to cheer us on when the going gets tough. Thank you.

Thank you for being sensitive about our situation and trying to understand what it is like for us.  We know that you have been keeping up with our blog so you can understand.  Sometimes you have even helped us look at things from a different point of view.  We can get tunnel vision, reminding us what else is around us is good for us.  Thank you.

Thank you for covering for us at work, we know we haven’t exactly been the most reliable people to work with, but your flexibility is helping us out, and you know we would always repay the favour at the drop of a hat.  Thank you.

Thank you for offering us a hand when the going has got tough.  At times when we just feel like breaking down, you have been there with a hand to help us get up and at ’em.  Sometimes, just your words of offering us a hand is more than enough to get us going.  Your words and thoughts are greatly appreciated – we may not be able to reply straight away.  Sometimes your words are so overwhelmingly filled with love that we are temporarily speechless and overcome that we just don’t know how to phrase a response.  Thank you.

I hope that we can offer you as much love in return that you have shown us on our rocky path.  I can’t wait for the day that we introduce our baby to the world and in that moment we will look to you with a heart full of so much thankfulness that you were there for us when we needed you most.

Thank you,

Your Friend,

X

When life gives you lemons - get a little help from your friends

When life gives you lemons – get a little help from your friends

A letter to my Infertile Friends

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Dear Infertile Friend,

I am sorry I started this letter with “Dear ‘Infertile’ Friend”.  I am sorry I labelled you ‘Infertile’, because if there is any one single wish I had in the world, it wouldn’t be ‘I wish I was pregnant with my child’, it would be ‘I wish there was no such thing as infertility’.  I do not wish infertility upon even my worst enemy.  Infertility is not a label, and it doesn’t define you, so I am so so sorry I started this letter in this way.  But….I am differentiating you from my non-infertile friends because you have given me something my non-fertile friends are unable to.  This letter is to say thank you.  Thank you for helping me get to where I am today, yes I am still empty arms, but I am stronger now than I was when I started this winding, mountainous path called infertility.

It doesn’t matter where you are in your infertility journey, you have given me something that has made me stronger.  Whether you have just discovered you are less than fertile, going through medicated treatment, IUIs, IVF, surrogacy, donor eggs/sperm/embryos, adoption, child-free living, pregnant after treatment or living with your rainbow baby – you have amazed me.

To those who have shared with me their intimate stories of struggles, pain and, most importantly – light, you have inspired me to stay strong on my path.  Whether you shared just a brief snapshot into your life or have shared every minute of every step of the way – it has all added up to how I feel today.  Stronger with you in my life.

My friend, you have layed open your heart on the table, exposed it, allowed it to be vulnerable just so you could help me understand what lay ahead of me – so I could prepare for the good, the bad and the damn right ugly.

Please do not underestimate the power of your voice and how it has touched me.  I can’t measure it – but just know that it has.

Thank you,

Your Infertile Friend X

Just when you thought it was safe

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If you have read my earlier post from today, you will know I was waiting for my hCG results, my doctor was expecting to see a drop or at least a similar level because I have bled so much since Monday.

I got the call at 2.15pm, my doctor said ‘Your levels have increased again to 3200 (from 2600 yesterday), I want you to take the methotrexate.  There has to be something growing somewhere other than your uterus.  When can you come in?’.

Fortunately Chris was with me because he was working from home, so we were out of the house and on the road to the fertility clinic.  We had to stop by the pharmacy to pick up the methotrexate.  The pharmacy was in a children’s hospital.  I joke with you not.  The pharmacy was having problems processing my insurance details, so we waited about 45 minutes.  Babies and children EVERYWHERE.  It was a very cruel joke.  Then to top it all off, it turns out my insurance wasn’t going to cover it.  Well – using methotrexate to effectively abort a pregnancy is an off label use of the drug.  Duh.  Of course my insurance wasn’t going to cover it.  Fortunately, the pharmacist used a coupon and it only cost us $23.

Finally we arrive at our clinic, drug in hand.  When 5 doctors are telling you to take the methotrexate, it’s time to listen.  If my hCG levels got any higher I would not have been eligible to take the drug and surgery would have been my only alternative option.  We are not completely out of the clear…the drug is effective only 90% of the time.  In 7 days time we find out if it actually worked – and of course I’m still on ‘ectopic rupture watch’ until then.

One of the doctors injected the drug into my buttock muscle…honestly, all I was thinking was – can’t a nurse do it?  Only because he asked where I would like it to be injected arm muscle or butt muscle (nice to have the choice!), we decided on butt muscle – he then turned to my doc to ask where would be a good place on the butt!  This was the point I was nervous!! But I think it had to be the doctor injecting it – I don’t really know.  It was painless compared to progesterone butt injections, the needle was a lot smaller though.

Methotrexate comes with a long list of side effects…I am already experiencing two of them (though these should only last about 24 hours and are relatively normal) – tiredness and nausea – they hit me about 3 hours after I was given the injection.  I won’t list the things I have to watch out for as a side effect, they can easily be found by googling ‘methoretexate ectopic pregnancy’.

We are truly gutted this had to be our course of action, but it seems to be the safest considering the large unknown growing inside me 😦

When you see your doctor’s number appear on your phone….

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When you see your doctor’s phone number appear on your screen….in that instant your brain racks in an instant through all the possible reasons she is calling…you pause, take a breath and answer nervously.

This is what happened this morning at 9AM. My doctor tells me she is reconsidering her position, she wanted me to come in sooner for a beta blood test, in fact right this instant if I could make it. Luckily, I’ve taken the day off work and I decided to get up and get ready with Chris rather than laze around in my PJs. So I was out of the house in less than 3 minutes, making the 25 minute car journey to my clinic. All I could think is what if my hCG levels aren’t falling? What will this mean? Am in danger? Have I made the wrong decision.

I have lost so much blood now, probably about 3 times the amount of my heaviest period…let’s not even count the number of vials of blood I’ve given to the nurse for various tests!

My doctor popped her head in whilst my nurse was drawing my blood. She just wanted to check on me and assure me she thinks this is a miscarriage but she wants to do her due diligence and be certain. I understand her worry and appreciate their observation of me. But what a roller coaster.

I’m going to mention now just how much I dislike forums and some facebook groups. I joined a couple last week relating to ectopic pregnancy, one was for those who were misdiagnosed and one for those who were suffering/suffered ectopic. In this latter group there was a lady who was going through almost exactly the same as me, except one week behind. I commented with my story because everyone who had commented thus far was singing doom and gloom. I explained what my doc had said yesterday, and then one women replied to my comment “that’s what happened to me, I too was passing huge clots, they thought I was miscarrying, but actually it was ectopic”. Oh for craps sake, way to freak out a girl!!!

So now I wait….please….please hCG be lowering. I’m tired of this 😒