IVF Diary Vol III 21-30 Mar 16

March 30, 20166 Comments

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s). Lupron 0.5mg (10 units) injection AM.

Somehow I have managed to take all my medications at the correct time despite all the time zone changes (Belgium was 5 hours ahead and the UK was four hours ahead at the time). I have taken the Lupron injections in some strange places, including in the airplane toilet. I had alarms set on my phone so I could remember to do it because taking the pill and doing the injection were both at random times of the day! Quite frankly amongst everything that has been going on I am impressed with myself for managing to figure it all out!

Medical procedures undertaken. Nil.

What are my symptoms? Actually, I haven’t really experienced any symptoms in particular. I still have a mild upset tummy, it was doing much better before I left for Europe, but I think everything got screwed up after everything with the attack. I’ve had a few random bouts of tears, but I can’t tell whether they are a result of the hormones or not. Who knows! I’m kind of getting used to this happening now.

How do I feel today? I went back to work on Tuesday and it wasn’t too bad. I did have a little bit of a shaking episode after I had recanted to my Brussels story the nth time. I was just overwhelmed (in a positive way) with how many people told me they are pleased to see me in one piece!!! I was also overwhelmed with the sheer number of people who actually read my blog post. People who I have never spoken to at work before had read it and came up to me to tell me how amazing it was…even all the senior bosses had read it. Basically pretty much everyone I work with now knows about my blog. I’m pretty sure most people didn’t take much notice of the infertility part of my blog, rather were just interested in the Brussels story, but when my friends and family asked if it was OK to share it, I really had no idea how far it would be shared.

I’m not doing well at sleeping, but I guess that is to be expected…and with the hormones I am not sure how much is contributed by events vs the medications. So I am a little tired. But the good news is that I have taken some time off work! Woohoo!!! Relaxation…chilling…are all that is scheduled for me during the stimulation phase of this cycle! A complete contrast to last time. I have even discovered a new yoga place that has opened up near my house. Overall, I am excited that we have another chance at IVF, but a little niggly part of me thinks I shouldn’t get my hopes up because it will be a long way to fall down from this time around.

Any results? Nil

What’s next? I have my first baseline monitoring appointment tomorrow morning. Hopefully it will all be go go go for cycle 3! Fingers crossed this Lupron has done its job nicely.

Weight. I still haven’t got on the scales yet!

Waist. NSTR.

Boobs. NSTR.

The Final Countdown!!!

*Notes. I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal), 5mg Melatonin at bed time and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily. NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

What’s infertility got to do with a terrorist attack?

March 27, 2016March 27, 20167 Comments

I have been surprised at how many people have commented on my apparent levelheadedness during the terrorist attack in Brussels airport. Although the absolute fear and terror was running through my mind, my actions seemed logical. I’m surprised, because I just did what I did – and even I am somewhat surprised at my own response. However, I think that it is all mostly about an element of luck. Some people have told me, they believe in some kind of divine intervention (I personally do not believe that, whether god exists or not). The luck was the third suitcase bomb didn’t explode. The luck was that I wasn’t closer. The luck was that the terrorists were ill prepared to carry out a more sophisticated attack. (Apparently, they had been planning more, but for some reason failed to implement it). The luck was that I was in the right place and it simply wasn’t my time to die.

A friend of mine made a really interesting comment about the difference between a man and woman’s propensity to take risk. A woman’s appetite to take risk varies with her menstrual period, where as a man’s appetite for risk remains relatively stable. When a woman is in her ovulatory stage, she is less likely to take risks. Therefore, hormones surely have a role to play in risk taking. So what does that mean for a woman who is going through infertility treatment and jacked up with lots of hormones? Does this mean that a woman’s propensity for risk is heightened or lowered depending on the stage of their treatment, how different would it be compared to if they were in their normal menstrual cycle?

During the attack, I was on Day 12 of the down regulation part of my IVF cycle, preparing for my upcoming stimulation phase. I had already been experiencing some of the side effects from these drugs (I wrote about them in my previous diary entry here). The question I have is – had I not been on these drugs would I have reacted differently to the situation? We will never know the answer, because we will never know what could have been. But it is an interesting question never-the-less!

I can tell you that the feelings and emotions I have been experiencing after getting caught up in the attack are not dissimilar to how I felt after being told our pregnancy was not viable. I’ve experienced random crying over what could have been. Sadness, frustration, anger and numbness – all feelings that have washed over me in the immediate days past these traumatic events. I never thought I could ever liken an impending pregnancy loss to surviving a terrorist attack. But I am, and that is simply how I have been feeling over the past couple of days. I’ve also experienced the overwhelming feeling of love and kindness from friends and family after these events. And I mean overwhelming to the point where I have been dumbstruck.

I anticipate that I might attend some kind of therapy after experiencing what I did this week. The question I have is, why haven’t I been so accepting of undertaking therapy for infertility after our loss and constant failure? If these feelings I am experiencing are so similar, perhaps I should have gone to therapy over our infertility sooner? I don’t know, but perhaps I just didn’t realise the intense emotions and trauma infertility slowly piles up upon us. Or maybe, the reason is because I feel like I have absolutely no control over a terrorist attack, and maybe I *believe* I have some control over my infertility. I think my perspective might have changed over the past week; I know some of you wonderful ladies have tried therapy for infertility and swear by it. Going to therapy doesn’t mean I am weak, it means that I am strong, strong enough to recognise that help is there for the taking.

For those inclined…a couple of journal articles on risk taking and a woman’s hormonal cycle:

Variations in risk taking behaviour over the menstrual cycle: http://people.uncw.edu/bruce/hon%20210/pdfs/risk%20taking.pdf

The influence of menstrual cycle and impulsivity and risk taking behaviour: http://www.ledonline.it/NeuropsychologicalTrends/allegati/NeuropsychologicalTrends_17_Iannello.pdf

IVF Diary Vol III 15-20 Mar 16

March 20, 201613 Comments

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s). Ovulation Control Pill (OCP) Reclipsen 0.15MG-30MCG x 1 per day, Lupron 0.5mg (10 units) injection AM.

I started the Lupron injections on Thursday morning. Although the amount of liquid is tiny and the needle is small, I still freaked out about giving myself the injection. I tried to do it, but the needle bounced off my skin, so I asked Chris to do it so I could feel how hard it needs to e to pierce the skin. But on Friday, I did the injection myself! It didn’t hurt, I was just slightly hesitant and the needle went in slower than I expected. Saturday, the needle bumped off my skin again! I’m sure I will figure it out. Also, there is barely any blood after these injections so I don’t really need gauze and I can’t tell where I just did the injection which means I am finding it difficult to figure out where to put a plaster over it! I discovered putting a plaster over the injection site means that I don’t have to remember the next day where I just did my previous injection.

Medical procedures undertaken. Nil. But – I did have a post op follow up appointment with my Doctor to go over my results from the hysteroscopy. I knew the biopsy results were good because they come through on my clinic’s app and I am sure she wouldn’t have had told me to start the Birth control pills if there was anything wrong. However, on the day of the appointment I started to get a bit nervous because I thought if everything was OK, why did she still need to see me? When I arrived the nurse asked where my husband was? At first I just joked with her “He’s working – I hope!!!”, but then it dawned on me….should he be here with me because it’s going to be bad news? I didn’t even think about bringing Chris along. The nurse did the usual vitals check and took me to the Doctor’s office to wait. As I was sitting in her office there was one pamphlet on her desk that stuck out – it was about uterine cancer. My heart started to beat faster!! My head was racing. Fortunately the doctor arrived quickly after I sat down. She cut straight to the chase and said everything looked just fine! Phew. She took a look at her computer and said that there was just one area of redness of my uterus she had seen on the camera that she thought might be inflammation, but the biopsy did not show any signs of inflammation. So all good! A very quick appointment, I was in and out in 5 minutes…it was just like being at a doctor’s office in the UK!!!!

What are my symptoms? I have two symptoms I want to talk about – my upset tummy and my hormones!

At my post op appointment I asked my doctor about my upset tummy. I told her my diarrhea has been playing up, maybe it’s just my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) being bad or, is there any chance it could be something related to the hysteroscopy? The only thing that could cause diarrhea is the cytotec pills I took that ‘softens the cervix’ prior to the surgery. Maybe it caused a mis-balance of bacteria in my tummy, but it should go away soon. It wasn’t the most helpful advice I’ve received from a doctor…but as usual not knowing what causes my poorly tummy I am used to. So I decided to put into practice my knowledge of things to make diarreah go away. The first is to take some probiotics. After my appointment I went straight to the shops and looked for a probiotic yoghurt drink. Now in the UK, there are these little drinks that you can take daily – there are different brands like yakult and actimel, they are very common in the supermarket. But here in the US, I haven’t ever noticed before until now, they are not common! I tried looking for a US store that sells Yakult and it’s typical! The only place nearby is the Commissary! As a civilian, I am not allowed to shop at the Commissary!! (The Commissary is where the military can buy their groceries at a discount). Anyway…I did discover something similar in the organic section – Kefir. Kefir is a fermented milk drink with kefir grains in it. I wasn’t sure if this would aggravate my upset tummy or the probiotics would do its thing. There were also some juices with probiotics added, this to my mind didn’t seem the best for my tummy because real fruit juice can make things worse for me. Anyway either the Kefir has had a positive effect or my tummy is getting better on its own. The past few days I have returned to normal upset tummy (where I experience diarrhea about once a day rather than 4-6 times a day for the past two weeks!)

My hormones. I am going to do a separate post on this, but in a nutshell, the Lupron and Birth Control Pills are doing weird things to me. On Friday evening as I was getting ready to go to the ball (!!!) I was curling my hair and tried to pin it up how I like to. But for some reason it wasn’t working. My hair looked awful, I was getting frustrated at it…then I flipped out at my inability to make my hair look half decent. Like seriously got mad and threw stuff across the room. I looked in the mirror and I felt nothing, I looked back at myself and felt nothing. I didn’t feel sexy, I thought I looked hideous. Chris kept telling me my hair looked lovely down and I should leave it, but I just kept looking at myself and I felt like I was out of my body – I was in somebody else’s body. I felt…..nothing. It was weird. I didn’t like it! Could it be the Lupron doing this to me?

How do I feel today? Chris and I had an evening of sharing our feelings about this IVF cycle. It got emotional. We realised we have both been bad at not sharing our feelings, we both made assumptions about things and came to wrong conclusions. We just didn’t talk enough about what was going to happen this cycle – the changes in my protocol and the uncertainty around dates of key things happening in the cycle like when the Egg Retrieval and transfer might be. Particularly with the transfer (Day 3 v Day 5). The difference being that this cycle came around quickly (we both felt unprepared for it), and my period started much earlier than I anticipated. Because I had been so busy with work, we just hadn’t been keeping the communication lines open…but we re-opened them – that’s good, but it took us a while to figure that out!

Any results? Other than my post op results being clear!

What’s next? I stop the Birth Control Pills next week and keep the Lupron injections going. I am off on travels to Europe next week so I have the added issue of figuring out what times to take my pills and injections! I made a mistake of taking my Birth Control Pills after my dinner, so now in Europe with them being 6 hours ahead at the moment, it means I would need to be taking them at 2AM! Doh! The Lupron injections won’t be so bad – I can take them at 1PM at lunch time. I may also have to give myself an injection on the plane as I fly transatlantic!!!! Double doh!

Weight. I still haven’t got on the scales yet!

Waist. NSTR.

Boobs. NSTR.

The Final Countdown!!!

*Notes. I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal), 5mg Melatonin at bed time and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily. NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

IVF Diary Vol III: 10-15 Mar 16

March 15, 20164 Comments

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s). Ovulation Control Pill (OCP) Reclipsen 0.15MG-30MCG x 1 per day

Medical procedures undertaken. Nil

What are my symptoms? I have had a really bad upset tummy since the weekend. I have no clue what is causing it…it could just be a really bad case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Usually stress makes my tummy worse, but actually, I have just stopped being stressed! So maybe my body is coming down from stress and is having a big WAH at me. Or I got the bug that everyone else seems to be coming down with. Or. it is the melatonin…because there is definitely a correlation with tummy upset and starting the melatonin. A quick search indicates that melatonin could actually be a treatment for IBS! But mostly for those who suffer with IBS-C (Constipation) not IBS-D (Me – Diarrhea) . I will have to do a bit more digging and see how it goes over the next few days.

How do I feel today? Work stress is mostly over! I have a lot of travelling to be doing, but it’s not stressful travel! I have cancelled a work trip to Germnay in anticipation that I will be having my egg retrieval surgery that week! And now I can schedule in some of that leave I am owed from the leave I cancelled from cycle 2! Woohooo! This is good news.

My medications have yet to arrive, there was a slight mix up with the nurse ordering the wrong drugs. So they are supposed to be arriving tomorrow by FedEx….the only problem is I am currently in DC and am driving the 4 hours back first thing, so I hope the meds dont arrive in the morning because I won’t be there to sign for them! That wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t need my Lupron on Thursday morning!! And the pharmacy called this afternoon (when my order is supposed to be on the way!) to tell me my co-pay was high. Well DUH…no higher than usual. Fortunately I caught the phone before I headed into work without my phone for the day, I may never have spoken to them until it was too late!!!! They have never checked with me before, but I think it hit the over $500 mark this time because I am getting more of the expensive gonal-f 😦 The old newbie infertile me would be stressed about it. But I am not, I am a seasoned veteran about these things now, so I am pretty chilled out about it. I can’t control it, so what ever happens, happens. (Please Please Please FedEx arrive in the afternoon!!!)

Any results? Not yet….my follow up appointment from my hysteroscopy surgery is on Thursday afternoon. But I am anticipating the all clear.

What’s next? Lupron injections start Thursday morning.

Weight. I am terrified to get on the scales:-(

Waist. Shrinking a bit after all the diarrhea 😦

Boobs. NSTR.

The Final Countdown!!! I decided to add in a calendar countdown so if people read just one entry they know what stage I am at in the whole cycle! Plus I love crossing things off.

*Notes. I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal), 5mg Melatonin at bed time and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily. NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

IVF Diary Vol III begins!

March 12, 201617 Comments

Here we are again. It’s like deja vu, right? Seriously, Christmas seemed like ages ago, but somehow IVF round 2 only felt like a week or two ago. It’s all come around again quickly for us. I don’t feel quite so ready for it – mentally, my mind has been at work, physically, my body has been at work (hahaha!) what I really mean is – I need to do some exercise!!!

I started my Birth Control Pills on Thursday evening and phoned the nurse who is covering for my nurse whilst she is on leave to schedule in my IVF cycle. She gave me the important dates and told me she would order my medications. I put down the phone with dates in my hand, excited…then a little later realised that she hadn’t asked me what meds I had left over from my last cycle! Aghhh! And it was very late friday afternoon so I knew there was no chance of catching her in time. Also, I haven’t received notification from the Pharmacy yet that my prescription has arrived with them and I need my Lupron by Thursday morning! I am in Washington DC for two days next week, so my only real day to receive by FedEx my giant box of medication goodies in time would be Monday. Aghhhhhh!!!!! I hate this last minute panic thing!!! I am sure it will all be fine and the script will be with the Pharmacy today. Zen Dani……Zen.

I had my last alcoholic beverage last night – a wonderful glass or two or red wine. Bye bye alcohol! Although this cycle has creeped up on me, I am feeling excited. This is it. It’s all or nothing now!!!! Wish us luck!!!!! Eeeeeeek….

IVF cycle 3 Calendar

Chris told me I was too graphic in my last post about my period, so here is a Too Much Information Warning…….!!!! Don’t read past here if you don’t like reading about periods! I’ve been popping the painkillers for my period and surviving OK, the short sharp pains have gone, thankfully, it’s just the typical period pains now. But I did have something happen to me that I’ve never had before. I passed a ball of old thick dark black blood about the size of a large grape. It wasn’t clotty, but thick and sticky, kind of like a truffle! I got a little freaked out, but then remembered that putting a camera into your uterus and taking a biopsy from the the uterine lining 9 days before your period is probably not a normal every month occurrence; so I should not be surprised my body is doing some weird things. I have a post-op appointment next week, so I will mention it just to be sure. (Things I never thought I’d write about and share to the public world – my period!)

Miscarriage & the shameful tabloids

March 12, 2016March 12, 20165 Comments

I love a quick flick through the trashy magazines whilst I queue up at the supermarket*, and this week I was saddened by the headline of the Star magazine:

“Gwen’s Baby Heartbreak Emergency Visit To Hospital”

“This was our last chance to start a family”

“Gwen terrified Blake will leave her”

So I picked it up and actually bought the magazine. I thought it would be about a personal account of Gwen’s struggle with miscarriage. Maybe a celeb was being open about how terrible miscarriage is and spreading awareness. So I made an impromptu purchase.

They had me.

A few moments later a couple queued up behind me and the lady also caught sight of this headline; she was quietly speaking to her husband about how sad that is…and then….she started crying. Her husband consoled her and asked- why are you crying? I couldn’t quite hear her response through the tears, but it made me feel like crying for her, for me and for poor Gwen Stefani.

Later that day when I got home and started to read the article about Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s relationship and their ‘heartbreak’ (I had no clue they were even dating! That’s what happens you get rid of your cable TV to save money! All my celeb gossip knowledge gone!). The magazine article explained how the couple have been “trying to conceive for four months” (BTW – they have only been dating for four months!) and now they may have to “abandon their hopes for a child together”. Anybody having to abandon hopes of conceiving their own child is a very sad situation, even if it was only for four months they tried (Gwen is 47 and has 3 boys her youngest is 3 years old). The Star’s secret source apparently told the magazine that “[Gwen] doesn’t want to talk about it, but her friends are afraid she might have had a miscarriage or was told that she can’t have any more kids.”

What the *%!% ??? …..so basically Star magazine, you created a headline out of some random source who said Gwen *might* have had a miscarriage. MIGHT have had a miscarriage. Or she was told she can’t have kids. Oh and “she doesn’t want to talk about it” – yeh she wouldn’t want to talk about it to YOU, the ‘secret Star magazine source’. Because you are already doing a shitty thing and speculating to a magazine about poor Gwen’s personal family life.

This source then claims that “Gwen and Blake are so in love and have been trying like crazy to conceive a baby. They thought it happened – she told him she had all the signs of being pregnant. They were absolutely ecstatic and couldn’t wait for the doctor to confirm the happy news.” And here comes the clincher of the story “Gwen must be devastated. I think she’s scared Blake will leave her if she can’t have his baby.”

Am I living in cuckoo land or is this story just outrageous??!! I can only imagine that if Gwen has seen this headline she would be devastated that this magazine published this story about her miscarrying in this manner – whether there was any tiny bit of truth behind it or not.

It turns out (unsurprisingly) this article was simply untrue. This has to be the worst kind of low down tabloid story I’ve read in a long time, clutching at straws and making something up like that is just so wrong in many many ways. Gwen & Blake I wish you could sue these big arses for this terrible story. But I know you probably won’t because you would have to drag your private life about your personal family building through the courts. And you have only been together for 4 months. No one wants that at this stage of their relationship, especially as they have been through their own messy personal divorces not long ago. I am so sorry to you Gwen, and Blake. I am sorry I bought that magazine, I didn’t know.

It’s just shameful Star magazine. I am boycotting all your publications and your sister ones like OK! too. I admit I love a bit of celeb gossip, but this isn’t gossip, it’s just heartbreaking 😦

*US translation – I love a quick flick through the trashy magazines whilst I am in line at the grocery store.

Pain after hysteroscopy

March 10, 201613 Comments

I’m pretty much used to various pains from my irritable bowel syndrome and my painful periods…but since my hysteroscopy I’ve been having really short sharp pains that radiate from uterus for a second, then disappear. It’s been random and a couple of times a day, and so haven’t thought anything more of it. But today at work I’ve doubled over a couple of times, noticeably in front of colleagues, and then been absolutely fine. The pain just disappears. I’m getting closer to the start of my period so I guess that is why it’s getting worse. I’m not very good at knowing whether this is normal or not, so when I speak with the nurse again I’ll ask. I didn’t need any pain killers at all after the procedure last week, so maybe it’s completely unrelated to the hysteroscopy or maybe this is to be expected ☹

On a slightly related note, I’ve been figuring out when our third IVF will be with the new Lupron down regulation protocol. Depending on when my period starts this week, we could be starting stims the 1/2 April or the week after that! I’ve got the ball rolling with pre-approval from my insurance, I’ve got my birth control pills ready, I’ve stocked up on CoQ10 and new this cycle – melatonin! I’ve checked with my doctor and I can start the birth control pills before my results from the hysteroscopy appointment next week, if all things are good on that front I then start the Lupron for 2 weeks. I’ve also been clearing my work diary too and scheduling in some leave that I postponed from cycle 2. Fingers crossed, things at work will be a little easier going.

The tears

March 6, 2016March 6, 20167 Comments

I woke up like any other morning, rolled over and checked my phone to see what the time was. I can’t help but check my notifications on my phone in case something exciting has happened whilst I’ve been sleeping (a pretty bad habit of mine)…if there is a facebook notification then I open up facebook. This morning, bleary eyed I opened up facebook and there was a stream of lovely photos of my friends in the UK celebrating mothers’ day (it’s not mothers day here in the US)…it warmed my heart. I like mothers’ day, I’ve never found mother’s day difficult whilst trying to conceive. Yes it kind of sucks that I’m not a mum yet, but I feel more association with the day to my mother and celebrating her. But……

This morning as I woke up, for some reason when I read a post about someone who was pregnant and celebrating being a mother, it triggered me. I thought about how far along I would be if huckleberry had decided to implant a few inches lower in my uterus rather than where ever else he was hiding probably in my fallopian tube (we never found out exactly). I would be 32 weeks pregnant with a nice bump. I would be waking up, probably complaining about some pregnancy ailment. I would be asking huckleberry how he felt like behaving today. We would probably have the nursery almost ready…..maybe I would have bought that adorable onesie I saw last week in TJ Maxx…maybe, just maybe, I would consider my self eligible for mothers’ day today. And so this morning, I quietly had a bit of a cry thinking about these things of what might have been.

I’m not to dwell on the ‘what ifs’…but yet it reminded me that there are many, many women out there who have mother hearts. We might not be able to see them, but they are loved by many. So to you all…happy mothers’ day X

mother's day.jpg

A week of celebrating my loves

March 5, 2016March 5, 20169 Comments

This week has been chaotic, stressful, exhausting and emotional both in my personal and work life. It was like being on the triple loop-de-loop part of the roller coaster of infertility with a crowd of people squirting water into my face as I go round and round. Ughh I feel sick!! My roller coaster journey hasn’t stopped just yet, but it’s feeling a little gentler this weekend!

But amongst all that chaos there are three people in my life who are always there for me that I am celebrating this week – My husband, my mummy and my granny!

My husband.

Four years ago I married my best friend, my confidant and my very handsome lover, Chris. It was an amazing day! We celebrated our love and our commitment to each other with all our friends and family around us. The sun came out and we danced the night away to an epic Ceilidh band. I remember every minute of it, I hope I never forget second of it. Little did we know on that day what the next four years had in store for us! We had no clue we would be moving our lives to the USA and starting from scratch. We had no clue we would lose touch with some of our friends, and make some friendships even stronger despite the distance. We had no clue we would be making new friends. We had no clue we would struggle to grow our family. We had no clue we would miss these friends and family that surrounded us that special day. And through all of this, our love continues to grow stronger day by day in ways I never thought possible.

Thank you Chris for being so loving to me!

The cat who got the cream!

My mummy.

I have known and loved my mum longer than anybody else in the world. We have had our fair share of disagreements….OK….some of them might actually be arguments! But I can say that probably 95% of the time they were of my doing as a teenager I caused despair with my mother! We are also chalk and cheese in some other things in life and times, I have wondered sometimes how we are related, but I guess that is normal in every parent-child relationship! The important thing is, my mum always supported me in my differences and encouraged me to seek out the best and different opportunities in life – even when she didn’t really approve (I could tell those disapproving looks!). I don’t think I would be so happy and successful now without her support.

My mother has been through some very tough times in her life and has battled breast cancer – twice. She has also been through many ups and downs in her relationships with my fathers. Simply put, my mum is a fighter. The most important thing my mother has taught me as I grew up, probably unknowingly to her and maybe today she will only realise that I credit this to her, is problem solving skills – and not giving up on wicked problems. I learnt this skill from observation and understanding the effects of successfully solving a problem ….it was a nurtured skill, not given, not genetic. Often I’ve wondered how I ended up becoming an analyst, but it makes a lot of sense given what I have learned from my mum. And there is one other thing that I admire about my mother – and that is her care and dedication to many of her friends and her children at her job.

Thank you mummy for being you!!! Happy Mothers Day!!

My granny.

My gran is the second person in my life I have known the longest after my mum (my mum wins because I hung around inside her for 9 months before meeting the rest of the world :-p). My gran is one of the most humble and selfless ladies I have ever known in my life. My gran has taught me the values and standards I try to live by in life and how to be considerate for other people. I think this is why today I find it so hard to fathom why other people can be so mean and horrible to other human beings (i.e. trolls). But there is something else that I think my gran might not realise she has taught me to be in life… that is fearless. My gran IS fearless. My gran is not afraid to try new things or think of things in a different light. I am pretty sure every time I speak to my gran she has been doing something different, something new – it probably seems like nothing to her – but to me that is amazing. Gran is coming to visit us in a few months time and I am soooo excited that we can share our USA experiences with her! My granny and papa looked after me and my brothers regularly as we grew up and their unconditional love has always been my safe place that I think about when I use calming techniques.

Although my gran isn’t my mother, she is my mummy’s mother and so on this Mother’s day I want to thank you granny for everything you do!!!!

The hysteroscopy

March 1, 2016March 1, 201611 Comments

I am insanely missing my blog right now! I have been so busy with work and other things that my blogging has suffered, and I am constantly thinking about things I want to write about and get out of my head, I just haven’t been able to. There is definitely a truth in writing being a form of therapy…a therapy I’ve come to rely on and when it’s not there I start to get itchy. Anyway, I am here! Briefly albeit 😦

Today I woke up at 4AM and could not get back to sleep, I won’t lie, I was a little anxious about the hysteroscopy procedure today. We got up at 5AM so I could shower before inserting the cytotec pills into my vagina! Nice. We arrived at the clinic at 6:30AM and the nurses were great as usual. I was first on the surgery list, a few other ladies were there for their egg retrievals after me. I got changed into my beautiful one size fits all, modesty covering gown and climbed into a bed with freshly warmed sheets and a couple of extra because I get so so cold in that prep/recovery room! I signed my life away and took the obligatory pregnancy test. It would be miraculous if I was pregnant and we all joked about how we all would be happy if I had to be sent home because it turned out to be positive. No such luck.

The nurse prepared the back of my right hand for the IV needle. I have wonderful veins, but the nurse managed to bust it and it started swelling up like a balloon. I started to feel faint like I was about to pass out. I’m not a needle fan so watching this made me feel sick. So she tried again but on the inside of my forearm. She got the needle in, but it felt really, really weird. She wasn’t happy with it, so she called another nurse to come take a look and try on my other hand. I was feeling really light headed at this point, so she lay me down almost completely. The other nurse had done my IVs both times previously, so I started to feel a little better when she attempted to insert the needle in the back of my left hand. She also used lidocaine to numb the area first so I was instantly less nervous because I couldn’t feel the needle jabbing around inside me! Finally, the IV was in!

Pre-sedation! The nurses wrapped me up all nice and snuggly

Chris came back to keep me company whilst we waited for my doctor to arrive. After about 20 minutes she arrived and asked if I had any questions; I may have mentioned this before but she has a real awkward bed side manner, it is actually now growing on me! Then the anesthesiologist gave me a cocktail of drugs through my IV, and I started to feel like I had 4 or 5 strong margaritas (apparently margaritas was what he was putting through my IV!). I was wheeled on my bed through to the operating room, and I concentrated really hard on looking around the room to see what it was like. But that lasted 30 seconds and I was out. Next thing I knew, I was waking up with Chris next to me, and everyone was laughing and joking at me because I had apparently been dancing to Elton John music in the surgery. Hmmmm. OK, if that’s what you say! I think it might actually be credible thing I’d do!

I vaguely remember them also saying that everything looked good on the camera and they had taken a biopsy to be sure. I had to ask Chris later if I imagined this conversation because I wasn’t sure if I had dreamed it!

I was really, really sleepy coming out of this cocktail of sedation drugs compared to my egg retrievals. I struggled to wake up and felt very woozy. I asked the nurse if the drugs were different, but she said they were the same, they may have given me a little more this time, or just being tired and stressed can make recovery time longer. Well, both of those things are true so I guess that explained it. After an hour of coming out of the operating room, I was ready to be driven home. We stopped off at Panera bread to buy some breakfast treats. I also ordered a decaf caramel latte and when I took a sip of it I was convinced it had no coffee in it at all! It just tasted like steamed milk to me. Chris tried it and said that it definitely had coffee in it. I didn’t believe him, miffed, I didn’t drink anymore of it until I got home, when this time I took a sip it definitely had coffee in it! So something weird was going on with my taste buds! I attempted to eat my giant cinnamon roll, but my mouth was sooooooooooo dry I could barely swallow a mouthful. My throat is sore and my mouth dry now still! Well at least this time I don’t have a drippy nose! Ah well, I think I would rather have been sedated than have none, so I can’t complain in the grander scheme of things.

So once again, everything looks normal. We still have no explanation as to what may be wrong. I am pleased that there is nothing obviously wrong with my uterus (well, I am still waiting for the results of the endometrieal biopsy they took whilst they were in there today!).

Tomorrow I will phone and see what the plan is for starting IVF round 3 because my period is due to start 3 days before my results appointment, so I need to see if they will start me on down regulation before the results. I also don’t really know much about their lupron down regulation protocol and how long they do it for.

For now I have a very busy week ahead of me, but I have a quieter weekend coming, so I hope to catch up with the blogging then and get me some blog therapy in!