6 weeks post methotrexate treatment

October 25, 201519 Comments

It’s been 6 weeks since I was treated with methotrexate to terminate my ‘ectopic’ pregnancy. The first few weeks involved dealing with miscarriage bleeding and pain. Pains that made me worry about ending up with a burst fallopian tube. Pains that I had never experienced before. Then there was the emotional pain that accompanied it; sadness and grief over the failure of what could have been. Finally, at what would have been my 13th week of pregnancy my hCG levels are below 5 and I am officially out of any danger.

Progression of my hCG levels over time

But although I am grateful I have had zero complications (i.e. no tube ruptures or not needing a D&C) it hasn’t been the easiest of rides.

4 weeks ago I fell ill with what seemed to be the usual cold/cough that one catches in September time. Methotrexate can lower the number of white blood cells, which increases the chance of getting an infection and being able to fight it off effectively. I haven’t been able to shake off this cough completely and it got worse over the last four days of my work travels to Germany. I think my cough has gotten worse because my stress levels increased due to the nervousness of the upcoming conference, and my poor sleep due to flying/time zone changes. Basically, I haven’t been good to my body. I had to avoid my multi-vitamins until my hCG levels were below 5 because the Folic acid in them can interfere with the effectiveness of methotrexate. So I have been dosing up on Vit C, but I have been missing out on all the other immune boosting vitamins and minerals.

The morning of the beginning of the conference and the day I was presenting was when I felt my worst. I had to run out of the conference during the key note speech because I was about to puke up my guts from all the coughing. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to close the day with my presentation….which I was already stressing about because it was in front of my about 100 of my peers and various other important people I need to make an impression with. Fortunately, I managed to survive and my presentation went down well – I had lots of excellent feedback. But the stress of it all was just making my cough worse.

On the evening before my flight back to the US I took some nytol/night nurse at 8pm and was immediately fast asleep. I woke up at 1005 AM and realised I had slept through my alarm. I was supposed to already be at the airport by now, my flight was leaving at 1215 PM! I had been in a deep sleep for 14 hours! Aghhhh!!!! Panic!!!! It is not like me to sleep for long, I am not the kind of person who likes to lie in. So there I was hacking my guts up and had a temperature running. But I needed to get home! So I threw everything into my suitcase – higgledy piggledy- checked out of the hotel and ran to the train station. 1 hr after waking up and freaking out I was standing at the airport check-in desk with 10 minutes to close! I made it, but I was lucky to catch the train that I did, 3 minutes later I would still be in Germany right now!

I felt awful for the poor German teenage girl sat next to me on the flight (it was a completely full flight) because I was coughing every other minute the entire way. Cough medicine, flu medicine, cough sweets, water – everything I tried, just could not stop me. I felt like I had done 1000 sit ups! My abdomen was aching and my throat shredded.

So here I am, finally tucked up in bed, at home, with magazines (thank you Chris :-)) and hot tea, relaxing. I may be my worst enemy when it comes to being ill, but I will say that I totally blame the methotrexate. My white blood cell count was already below the normal level before I took the shot – so I can imagine it was severely lowered afterwards. I could have wrapped myself up in a cotton wool ball – but I would have been bored as hell and probably missed out on our epic holiday. So, yes, I kind of did this to myself…but today I am FINALLY chilling out.

(Who wants to bet I have caught something else from the last few days to add on top of my cough?)

I am excited about next week though because the only meeting I have in my diary is our doctors follow up appointment. Being out of office for three weeks does have its advantages! Fingers crossed I wake up tomorrow feeling better and I can start everything -work, life, infertility – all afresh 🙂

Who is Dib Dab?

October 21, 201512 Comments

On my last day in the office before our road trip a friend and colleague gave me a small gift and note. The gift was a small stuffed toy cat with two different coloured eyes. I am not an expert in kids toys and I have seen these cats around and but I still have no clue behind their story! But anyway, this gesture was incredibly sweet and I welled up with tears at that very moment.

This isn’t the first gift we have received since receiving the sad news of our non-viable pregnancy….

One friend sent me a guardian angel – Angela, to put in my purse…she has been with me ever since and holds a special place with me.

We received an anonymous ‘donation’ of twelve big Cadbury’s chocolate bars (finally discovered it was from my parents!). We have scoffed a total of three bars between us so far. I have hidden all but one of them from Chris when I left for Germany to make sure there was some when I got back!

We also received a wonderful box of chocolate biscuits (cookies) from two friends shipped fresh all the way from the UK that spelled out ‘We love you’…they were incredibly crumbly and delicious, they didn’t last long!

A friend and colleague of Chris’s scoured the internet to surprise me with 6 Cadbury’s (UK) Crunchie bars after I had posted on facebook my cravings for one and my inability to find them in our local vicinity!

A lovely blogging friend sent me some haribo (my favourite sweets in the world!), digestive biscuits and a figurine of hope. Hope is something I need reminding of a lot and was just what I needed particularly at that very moment in time.

We also received countless cards, letters, messages and hugs from friends and family across the world.

We were not alone in our sadness, friends and family went out of their way to show us they were with us. It has been incredible.

So what has this all got to do with a stuffed toy cat? Well I took that stuffed toy cat with us on our road trip, and we named him Dib Dab. Dib Dab came with us everywhere we went…up a mountain, through the desert, amongst the hoo doos, in the camper van, in the museums & restaurants – everywhere.

Dib Dab was just a small representation of our friends and family at this time of healing.

Thank you for your kindness, love and thank you for just being there.

Dib Dab ended up having quite a bit of fun 🙂

…at Mesa Verde

…at the puebloan ruins

…at antelope canyon

…at Bryce canyon

…at Zion National Park

…In Santa Fe

…at the petroglyph national park

…on a petrified log

…in the Petrified Forest

…in my back pack

…on the Grand Canyon Train

My Mountains Monday Memoirs: Seneca Rocks

October 20, 2015October 20, 2015Leave a comment

I almost forgot about Seneca Rocks, West Virginia…and yet they are the backdrop photo on my iPhone! I forgot about it because rather than hiking Seneca Rocks, we climbed Seneca Rocks. I really miss climbing. So I must have put it to the back of my mind. But that was until our recent road trip out to the Wild West where I reminded myself how insignificant the mountains on the East Coast truly are!!!

September 2013

It actually wasn’t that long ago that we climbed the spectacular Seneca Rocks out in West Virgina. We took a long weekend and camped it out. The days were warm and the nights were blinking chilly! But we were blessed with some wonderful weather.

A view from the valley of Seneca Rocks, West Virginia

Seneca has the highest ‘true’ peak on the east coast. What this really means is that the peak is only reachable by climbing – you can’t just walk up it! What else is really cool is that it is only reachable by ‘traditional’ climbing. This type of climbing is where you place your own protection in the rock cracks using your own gear and rope as you climb….if you fall, then you are relying on your own ability to place the protection in a secure place, as well as relying on the rock remaining in place to save your life! This means that in general you stick to climbing route grades that you feel confident climbing.

“All the gear, no idea!!!” Just kidding…we know how to use this stuff.

Anyway before I get too carried away with talking about climbing! Let me tell you that on this mountain I was brave. Actually we were both brave. BUT! The climbs we faced were highly exposed (i.e. the empty space below the climber that if the climber were to fall is a great (often psychologically) distance) and this creates great fear in most climbers!

Chris and I took turns to ‘lead’ (the climber who places the gear in the rock first, the second is the climber who follows and removes the gear the leader placed so nothing is left behind). Leading is more often harder than seconding because the climber has to pick a route up the rock face. It is actually like one giant puzzle, but on a rock face.

It was my turn to lead, all was going well until I reached a point where I needed to climb up and squeeze between two fallen boulders and ended up the other side (not before coming face to face with a huge unknown spider, I just don’t want to know what type of spider!). Now I was unable to see Chris who was holding the other end of the rope…and Chris was unable to see me or the route I was planning on taking.

This was anything but ideal!

Is this my happy face?!?! (Photo not taken at the exact same time!!)

Climbing requires a lot of communication and it helps to have a visual on where your partner is, otherwise you rely on signals passed through the rope. We had the basic signals down to an art, we work well as a team. But signals that required me to say –

‘What the F#*%?? I can’t see where my next move is!’

…was not one we had practiced. So I was shouting to Chris asking him where the route was supposed to go (according to the guide book). All I could see above me was flaky, crumbly rock, and below me, an exposed drop so far down I knew it would be the end of me and potentially injure Chris if I was to fall at that point. It was at this stage that I got the old climbers ‘Disco legs’ – my leg muscles were shaking, adrenaline pumping, my breathe quickened to the verge of hyperventilation. There was no escape route… down climbing the way you came up is often harder than climbing up.

I was alone – and then a piece of rock came away from beneath my foot. I screamed ‘BELOW’ just in case there were climbers below me.

Oh crap.

I was stuck. No way up, no way down.

Chris was only the other side of the two boulders, but he felt a million miles away. He was trying to talk me out of my predicament. Trying to get me to focus and solve the puzzle.

My heart was pounding. I had to find a way up. I could see the ledge above where I was supposed to be next: the safe point. It felt like I was clinging on to the wall for hours – it probably was only 15 minutes of attempting multiple ways up, but it felt like an eternity.

I gave up, carefully squeezed back through between the two boulders to see Chris’s face again. I was one hot sweaty mess!

In my whole climbing career this was the first time I was genuinely scared for my life, our lives. The heights usually give me a thrill of adrenaline, but I always climb within my limits so I rarely get truly scared. This time, I thought I was climbing within my limits but instead, I found a surprise dead end – a dark scary (lonely) dead end. Fortunately it was not literally a dead end! (My mum is probably cursing me right now as she reads this 🙂 hehe ).

With a bit of patience and caution, we managed to down climb a little way and we then tried another route up. With success this time!

Chris leading the easier route around.

The pinnalces were spectacular and wonderful to climb

The pinnacles were spectacular and wonderful to climb

Mountain Lesson # 6. When you think everything is going just dandy, a dead end crops up unexpectedly on you. It might be scary as crap. You might feel alone. But take a small step back from the shadows into the sunlight, turn around, take a deep breathe, and try again. You’ll get there, it just might take you a little bit longer than you anticipated.

Mountain Lesson # 7. Good communication in the mountains is crucial. Practice, practice, practice so you both know what to do when things get a little hairy.

Home Sweet Home!

October 19, 20154 Comments

The cats are alive and well. The house survived the storms and is generally still in one piece (apart from a few gross piles of hairball vomit and one chewed up oven mitt). The suitcases are unpacked. We are surrounded by piles of stinky washing. But there is nothing better than the feeling of climbing into your own bed after two weeks of being on the dusty road, cramped up, sleeping in a camper van!! (Albeit a wickedly amazing campervan)

This was our ‘cosy’ home for the last two weeks – AKA Trippy.

Home sweet home feels great right now!!

Our 2200 mile road trip is sadly over and I have much catching up to do. Apparently a lot happens in 2 weeks when one has stepped away from the internet and phones!

I am absolutely stoked to be back blogging again after my long 2 week break. I have had a lot of thoughts running around my head because, well, I have had a lot of time to think! Most days we were hiking somewhere, occasionally in the ‘wilderness’, so there was plenty of opportunity to go off into my thoughts in the deep, dark, corners of my brain…and of course there was also ample opportunity for Chris and I to talk about some of the deeper and meaningful things in life.

There was the odd occasion when it was just the two of us for miles alone.

So with all that time ‘alone’, I have some future blog posts in mind I will be writing over the next few weeks…

1. A discovery – How far Chris and I are both willing to go with fertility treatment

2. The future size of our family

3. Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month & the wave of light (I missed the wave on the 15th October as we were camped out somewhere in the desert, but Chris and I had a long discussion about it) 😦

4. Recognising the signs and symptoms of depression

Source: http://www.cwmt.org.uk/parents-guide-to-depression/

5. What are we gambling? (inspired by our stay in Las Vegas!)

Our grand total winnings from the Ultimate Poker Table – 2 x Half Dollar Coins

6. An introduction to Dib Dab – our traveling cat

Dib Dab at Bryce Canyon

Dib Dab at Mesa Verde

Our holiday was just what the doctor ordered (Well not what my doctor ordered, who actually wanted me back at home for weekly beta blood tests!! Ha!).

Tomorrow I am back in the thick of work, as well as hopefully my last beta blood test (fingers crossed it is 0 now) 🙂 Also there is some catching up to do on reading some other wonderful blogs! I’m hoping to read some good news !!!

A small reminder that I have absolutely no control over this

October 11, 2015October 11, 201511 Comments

It has been 6 days since I have thought deeply about our recent loss, but today I have thought about it a lot. The past six days have been truly wonderful (we are currently on a 15 day road trip in the South West of USA); Chris and I have hardly talked about what the future holds for us as prospective parents trying to conceive. No baby talk. No IVF talk. Who knew we had so much other stuff to talk about!

All was well and good in the mind of Dani, until I received a phone call when I was at the top of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, from my clinic, reminding me that I am supposed to be taking weekly beta blood tests until my hCG levels are below 5. I was a little peeved about this call. I was annoyed because the day after my last blood test (Monday 27^th Sep about 12 days ago) no one called with my test results, I waited until the day after, still no call. I had every good intention to call them to check what my results were, but my week got so busy at work that I never made the call, and they never called me. So, on Friday 2^nd Oct, I flew out West, in holiday mode, thinking that I must be in the clear, otherwise the clinic would be harassing me on the phone by that point – and so I thought nothing more of it. Until that moment in the Grand Canyon. Now in their defence, they could have called me at any point on my holiday and I wouldn’t have received a message from them due to lack of connectivity to the ‘real world’. Never-the-less I was still slightly annoyed. I told the nurse that it would be a bit tricky for me to come in the next day for a beta blood test because I was currently in Arizona and wasn’t planning to be back until next week. So I asked her if my beta level had dropped sufficiently that it wasn’t urgent for me to take a test. She told me levels were at 49 (finally, I found out my result, until that point I had no clue). She said she would message the doctor who was overseeing my methotrexate treatment, to let him know I was away. She thought it wouldn’t be a problem. I have heard nothing more from the clinic – so I assume all is good with the world, they are not seriously worried….but again….my access to signal is poor to terrible, so who knows?!

Receiving this call briefly reminded me where I was just over a week ago and I felt a bit sad again. But that was a brief moment….and the holiday fun continued.

That was, until yesterday.

I woke up yesterday with period pains. I thought uh oh, I’m not really prepared for my period to happen just yet! BUT my period showed itself within an hour of me thinking, hmmm my period feels like it is coming. That in itself is unusual, I normally get a few days advance warning of pains and twinges. I have previously read online that a period following a miscarriage can be painful and heavier than normal (I don’t really know what normal is supposed to be anyway!!!).

Initially, I was excited because this meant that I would have one normal cycle, then the next cycle have the dreaded HSG test (again :-S), then the third cycle start the Birth Control Pills for next IVF cycle, all before Christmas! Then when I actually thought about it and counted the number of days since I stopped spotting from the miscarriage – it was 16 days since the heavier spotting, and only 13 days since zero blood. So the question I had on my mind was – is this actually my period? – or am I still miscarrying? Everywhere I have read, they say 20 days from end of spotting or hCG below 5, minimum.

And then…..last night I woke up from sharp pains, although they dissipated quickly, just a few hours later, I passed a clot the size of half my hand, I have never experienced this with any period before. But like I said, I have no clue what is normal. And because I have missed my beta test this week, I don’t really know if my hCG levels are back down to 0, so I cannot say for sure this is my period. All day today has been very heavy and very clotty, I felt like I was miscarrying all over again.

I feel sad, all over again. The hormones probably have a part to play, but the sadness has washed over me. Just as I was on my way up.

I’m simply tired of being sad for us.

I have missed blogging over the last week, I have missed reading all the other lovely blogs, I need to hear the good news stories, I need to hear inspiration; I feel like I’ve missed out on some therapy of the mind and soul. Despite my respite from the rest of the world and the wonderful distractions from Mother Nature. But I am writing this today as we drive to Santa Fe – I just couldn’t wait. Chris is probably cursing me right now as we head into Santa Fe getting lost because, as the chief navigator, I am distracted with writing my thoughts.

Please, please let this be an exceptionally heavy period and not a continuation of the miscarriage.

Infertility is teaching me that I have absolutely no control over any of this – my body, my mind. And so although I tell myself it is pointless trying to wish things to be right, I just can’t sweep the sadness aside for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be another day, another day on the path to slow healing.

The healing power of Stockholm and my Nobel Prize

September 27, 201515 Comments

As I return from my work travels in Stockholm, I have some down time to reflect upon our recent failed first round of IVF. I say ‘failed’…it’s actually quite difficult to say with any confidence that it was actually the IVF that failed us. It is possible I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, but the doctors were unable to confirm it, although they treated me for it with methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy to be on the safe side. Something was growing, they just could see it. If my pregnancy was truly ectopic, then it wasn’t the IVF that caused the demise of my pregnancy….the IVF treatment managed to get me pregnant, but my body decided it wasn’t going to succeed; my body simply decided that this wasn’t my time to join the pudding club.

Or it could all simply be described as just terrible bad luck. Sometimes, there is just no reason known to man why Mother Nature can be so cruel.

Of course, it is natural to blame oneself. There are several potential causal links to an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy: tubal damage, smoking, age, IVF – all of these increase the risk: approximately 1-2% of pregnancies are ectopic. But mostly there is just the plain and simple element of unfortunate luck. You can find on the web doctors who speculate that the risks are higher with IVF because either:

a) With a 3-day transfer, the embryo that would ordinarily be in Fallopian tube at this stage, seeks out the more fluffy warm tubes because that is where it thinks it should be, then gets completely lost and doesn’t ask for directions.
Or b) the doctor who performs the embryo transfer procedure places the embryos too high up in the uterus; or they are transferred too quickly and end up in the wrong place.

However, my doctor explained to me that statistically speaking, the risk of ectopic pregnancy doubles with IVF because generally there are two embryos being transferred and so that risk doubles from 1% to 2%. This makes a whole lot of sense to me. I was just unlucky.

I am thinking through all of this right now because I need to take away something positive from this failed cycle. I’ve got to get my cup half full again….and so the positive could be that we just needed that extra help from ICSI or the hormones, and I was just one of the really unlucky ones to not stay pregnant this time. Next time might just be our time. There is still no reason why it shouldn’t be.

I was feeling a little sorry for myself in my last post. But the last couple of days have been an improvement, and it is starting to look like our path is finally beginning to flatten out, allowing us to take a breather.

Time to catch a breather before heading off on to the foggy path called infertility.

I have been kept mentally busy with work, socialising and networking with my colleagues, so I have had little time to think emotionally about the failed round of treatment. Physically, the pain has dissipated, the bleeding continues (seriously, where does it all come from?!!?), but it is a very small amount that it has barely bothered me. I still feel exhausted, but jet lag most likely lays claim to the cause of that. I miss my pre-natal multi-vitamins, I really hope to be allowed to take them again soon. They help keep my bowels in shape and my energy up.

And I will grow back my positivity because over the next 3 months as we have a plan to get us to our next IVF cycle (hopefully if I get the all clear from my repeat HSG!!). In short – we have our 2 week, 2000 miles, road trip starting from Las Vegas, visiting various amazing places like Grand Canyon, Zion national park, Bryce Canyon, Monument Valley, Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Petrified Forest, Painted Desert, Hoover Dam and a whole lot more. I have another 3 work trips to Europe to fit in – Munich, Berlin and Brussels/Mons (I haven’t been to Berlin yet so that is exciting!). We have a consult with our doctor scheduled for late October to discuss the plan for the next cycle. I need to find some time to fit in a HSG once my period returns (seriously NOT looking forward to that). I am hoping my body is going to play nice and we can get an IVF cycle in just before Christmas. It’s also Chris’s Birthday soon and I want to organise a small party for him. And amongst all that we are going to try and fit in a weekend away to Shenandoah National Park to see the beautiful colours of autumn. No time for stopping over the next 3 months!!

Stockholm has done me a lot of good (despite the jet lag), I’m feeling mentally refreshed and excited to be moving forward. However, I was very disappointed to discover that my invitation to pick up my Nobel Prize must have got lost in the post.

No Nobel Prize for me…..But it was beautiful!

But I did get a chance to scope out the building they award them in, the museum my name would be listed in, and the best restaurants to celebrate at….May be someday I’ll be back 😉 bahahahahaha – Keep dreaming Dani!

The Nobel Museum, Stockholm – Something to reach high for 🙂

Is the pain in my mind?

September 21, 201519 Comments

I have had a very specific pain around my right ovary for the past four days. The pain worsened in the evenings, I slept it off after getting to sleep with the aid of the pain killers and my sheer exhaustion. It felt like something was pushing inside, wanting to pass. The acetaminophen & codeine-3 was barely hitting this very specific pain.

Late last night I considering going to the Emergency Room. I knew that my doctor had said I shouldn’t travel to Europe if I was having pain. Well I was in pain, the drugs weren’t stopping it, but I wasn’t doubled over with the pain, I was getting waves of pain, increasing intensity and then becoming dull but it was in this one particular spot. I couldn’t ‘touch’ the pain, when I pushed down it didn’t hurt more or less. Was I being stubborn or just simply stupid for ignoring this? I read stories of women whose fallopian tubes had ruptured weeks after taking the methotrexate. Surely this was a very rare event, it can’t be happening to me? I cried a lot in my indecisiveness. Chris even cried with me because he didn’t know how to help me – it was my decision to make whether or not to go to A&E – he felt helpless. I didn’t want to go to hospital to spend a fortune for me to be sent home again – or worse – they wouldn’t be able see anything again on the ultrasound and end up opening me up. Chris asked me a very good question – was the pain in my mind? Was I making it out to be worse than it was because I didn’t want to travel to Europe? It was a harrowing question to think about. It was definitely a possibility. The mind can play cruel tricks. But I eventually decided that in the morning if I still had that specific pain we would call my clinic or go to ER. That was my line.

I woke up this morning PAIN FREE!!!! It was an amazing relief. I was exhausted and felt like I had been out on the town all night, waking up with a hangover. Oh how I wish that were the case! But I felt free. That was for about 3 hours….then the heavy bleeding and passing of clots continued along with all that type of associated pain. But this pain I could deal with compared to the specific pain I was having the past four days. Such a relief.

So here I am waiting for my flight to Europe. After connecting flight #1 I have discovered that flying whilst still miscarrying is not the greatest idea I’ve ever had. I could feel I was about to pass something, then of course there was turbulence and the seat belt sign came on. The flight attendant barked at a little old lady to sit back down! So I sat there in my seat hoping I would not leak everywhere (sorry – I know this is probably way too much information!!!). 20 minutes later I couldn’t sit still anymore, so I got up despite the turbulence and dashed to the toilet. I sat on the toilet thinking how ridiculous this whole situation was and sobbed. I am so glad I didn’t wear mascara today, in fact, mascara has not been part of my make-up regime for several weeks now. I thought about all the things I would shout at the flight attendant if she gave me grief about getting up from my seat! Fortunately she was too busy to bark at me.

I just have a 9hr flight to London, followed by 2hr flight to Stockholm to survive this mess! Wish me luck!!!

10 days of eughhh

September 18, 20158 Comments

It’s been 10 days since I started to miscarry and I am just exhausted from all the emotions and the physical madness that is going on with my body.

My 7 day post-methotrexate injection hCG blood test went very well today. My levels have almost exactly halved since monday, from 2696 to 1358, and dropped 58% overall since the injection was administered. This bodes well for successful treatment. I am even allowed to travel to Stockholm – as long as I am not having any pain. I am not going to hide it, I have been suffering with pain for past two evenings now (weird how it is mostly in the evening). Last night I struggled to sleep because of it. The 500mg extra strength acetaminophen doesn’t seem to cut the mustard, but the acetaminophen with codeine #3 I was prescribed for pain relief after my egg retrieval seems to work a bit better.

My favourite nurse drew my blood today, she asked how I was doing. I just replied ‘eughhh’. She understood and nothing more was said.

Here are two photos of my cat Diesel….sympathising with my ‘eughhh’ feeling. Chris managed to take these beauties yesterday evening in an impromptu photo shoot…..

Chris captured Diesel in beautiful way yesterday evening

What would we do without our fur babies to keep us sane?

Methotrexate Side Effects

September 14, 2015September 14, 201510 Comments

I am just over 72hrs past my first methotrexate injection. I have definitely noticed the side effects, but so far they have not been as bad as I thought.

Over the first 24hrs I felt nauseous and had a very dry mouth despite drinking lots – apparently this is very normal. My bleeding also stopped – not what I was expecting. Since those first 24 hrs, the nausea has continued 😦 I have spotted on and off (no more need for a pad, just a thin panty liner). I have been super tired, but have been sleeping deeply – a silver lining I guess. Last night I had weird pin-point pupils, Chris noticed them and so I looked in the mirror and absolutely freaked out. With a quick google, it looks like it could be the painkillers that did that, so I am not keen on taking those anymore! Pain has been bearable with pain killers – acetaminophen extra strong (NSAIDs like Ibuprofren are not good with the methotrexate), but the pain has been different to when I first started miscarrying where it felt like the worst period cramps, the pain I am experiencing now is short sharp bursts around my ovaries, but not constant. Each time I get a short sharp burst of pain I hold my breathe (not literally) as I hope there is nothing crazy going on down there with a burst tube.

Apparently with methotrexate, the deed starts to kick in after 72 hrs, so I am hoping that tomorrow morning my hCG levels have begun to drop.

Emotionally, I have only broken down in tears three times – an average of once per day I believe is not bad going. The things that upset the most is thinking about how for particular very short moments I actually believed this was a viable pregnancy and talked about the ‘may be’ and ‘what ifs’. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking like that. Having said all that, I don’t think those thoughts are going to go away anytime soon. So we have been focusing on our road trip out West, it helps a lot to re-focus the mind. I think I am ready to go back to work tomorrow – I hope so, I’ve got a meeting in Stockholm to prepare for! (that is if my doctor lets me fly :-s )

PS. I have got to the point that I am not sure what category to post this under – ectopic pregnancy, suspected ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, part of IVF vol I???? I just hate not knowing if this was actually ectopic or not, they had no visible proof of where the pregnancy was and it frustrates the hell out of me – I think I will put it under feelings for now and figure it out later. I wonder what the doctors call this?

Just when you thought it was safe

September 11, 201531 Comments

If you have read my earlier post from today, you will know I was waiting for my hCG results, my doctor was expecting to see a drop or at least a similar level because I have bled so much since Monday.

I got the call at 2.15pm, my doctor said ‘Your levels have increased again to 3200 (from 2600 yesterday), I want you to take the methotrexate. There has to be something growing somewhere other than your uterus. When can you come in?’.

Fortunately Chris was with me because he was working from home, so we were out of the house and on the road to the fertility clinic. We had to stop by the pharmacy to pick up the methotrexate. The pharmacy was in a children’s hospital. I joke with you not. The pharmacy was having problems processing my insurance details, so we waited about 45 minutes. Babies and children EVERYWHERE. It was a very cruel joke. Then to top it all off, it turns out my insurance wasn’t going to cover it. Well – using methotrexate to effectively abort a pregnancy is an off label use of the drug. Duh. Of course my insurance wasn’t going to cover it. Fortunately, the pharmacist used a coupon and it only cost us $23.

Finally we arrive at our clinic, drug in hand. When 5 doctors are telling you to take the methotrexate, it’s time to listen. If my hCG levels got any higher I would not have been eligible to take the drug and surgery would have been my only alternative option. We are not completely out of the clear…the drug is effective only 90% of the time. In 7 days time we find out if it actually worked – and of course I’m still on ‘ectopic rupture watch’ until then.

One of the doctors injected the drug into my buttock muscle…honestly, all I was thinking was – can’t a nurse do it? Only because he asked where I would like it to be injected arm muscle or butt muscle (nice to have the choice!), we decided on butt muscle – he then turned to my doc to ask where would be a good place on the butt! This was the point I was nervous!! But I think it had to be the doctor injecting it – I don’t really know. It was painless compared to progesterone butt injections, the needle was a lot smaller though.

Methotrexate comes with a long list of side effects…I am already experiencing two of them (though these should only last about 24 hours and are relatively normal) – tiredness and nausea – they hit me about 3 hours after I was given the injection. I won’t list the things I have to watch out for as a side effect, they can easily be found by googling ‘methoretexate ectopic pregnancy’.

We are truly gutted this had to be our course of action, but it seems to be the safest considering the large unknown growing inside me 😦