My Mountains Monday Memoirs: Seneca Rocks

October 20, 2015October 20, 2015Leave a comment

I almost forgot about Seneca Rocks, West Virginia…and yet they are the backdrop photo on my iPhone! I forgot about it because rather than hiking Seneca Rocks, we climbed Seneca Rocks. I really miss climbing. So I must have put it to the back of my mind. But that was until our recent road trip out to the Wild West where I reminded myself how insignificant the mountains on the East Coast truly are!!!

September 2013

It actually wasn’t that long ago that we climbed the spectacular Seneca Rocks out in West Virgina. We took a long weekend and camped it out. The days were warm and the nights were blinking chilly! But we were blessed with some wonderful weather.

A view from the valley of Seneca Rocks, West Virginia

Seneca has the highest ‘true’ peak on the east coast. What this really means is that the peak is only reachable by climbing – you can’t just walk up it! What else is really cool is that it is only reachable by ‘traditional’ climbing. This type of climbing is where you place your own protection in the rock cracks using your own gear and rope as you climb….if you fall, then you are relying on your own ability to place the protection in a secure place, as well as relying on the rock remaining in place to save your life! This means that in general you stick to climbing route grades that you feel confident climbing.

“All the gear, no idea!!!” Just kidding…we know how to use this stuff.

Anyway before I get too carried away with talking about climbing! Let me tell you that on this mountain I was brave. Actually we were both brave. BUT! The climbs we faced were highly exposed (i.e. the empty space below the climber that if the climber were to fall is a great (often psychologically) distance) and this creates great fear in most climbers!

Chris and I took turns to ‘lead’ (the climber who places the gear in the rock first, the second is the climber who follows and removes the gear the leader placed so nothing is left behind). Leading is more often harder than seconding because the climber has to pick a route up the rock face. It is actually like one giant puzzle, but on a rock face.

It was my turn to lead, all was going well until I reached a point where I needed to climb up and squeeze between two fallen boulders and ended up the other side (not before coming face to face with a huge unknown spider, I just don’t want to know what type of spider!). Now I was unable to see Chris who was holding the other end of the rope…and Chris was unable to see me or the route I was planning on taking.

This was anything but ideal!

Is this my happy face?!?! (Photo not taken at the exact same time!!)

Climbing requires a lot of communication and it helps to have a visual on where your partner is, otherwise you rely on signals passed through the rope. We had the basic signals down to an art, we work well as a team. But signals that required me to say –

‘What the F#*%?? I can’t see where my next move is!’

…was not one we had practiced. So I was shouting to Chris asking him where the route was supposed to go (according to the guide book). All I could see above me was flaky, crumbly rock, and below me, an exposed drop so far down I knew it would be the end of me and potentially injure Chris if I was to fall at that point. It was at this stage that I got the old climbers ‘Disco legs’ – my leg muscles were shaking, adrenaline pumping, my breathe quickened to the verge of hyperventilation. There was no escape route… down climbing the way you came up is often harder than climbing up.

I was alone – and then a piece of rock came away from beneath my foot. I screamed ‘BELOW’ just in case there were climbers below me.

Oh crap.

I was stuck. No way up, no way down.

Chris was only the other side of the two boulders, but he felt a million miles away. He was trying to talk me out of my predicament. Trying to get me to focus and solve the puzzle.

My heart was pounding. I had to find a way up. I could see the ledge above where I was supposed to be next: the safe point. It felt like I was clinging on to the wall for hours – it probably was only 15 minutes of attempting multiple ways up, but it felt like an eternity.

I gave up, carefully squeezed back through between the two boulders to see Chris’s face again. I was one hot sweaty mess!

In my whole climbing career this was the first time I was genuinely scared for my life, our lives. The heights usually give me a thrill of adrenaline, but I always climb within my limits so I rarely get truly scared. This time, I thought I was climbing within my limits but instead, I found a surprise dead end – a dark scary (lonely) dead end. Fortunately it was not literally a dead end! (My mum is probably cursing me right now as she reads this 🙂 hehe ).

With a bit of patience and caution, we managed to down climb a little way and we then tried another route up. With success this time!

Chris leading the easier route around.

The pinnalces were spectacular and wonderful to climb

The pinnacles were spectacular and wonderful to climb

Mountain Lesson # 6. When you think everything is going just dandy, a dead end crops up unexpectedly on you. It might be scary as crap. You might feel alone. But take a small step back from the shadows into the sunlight, turn around, take a deep breathe, and try again. You’ll get there, it just might take you a little bit longer than you anticipated.

Mountain Lesson # 7. Good communication in the mountains is crucial. Practice, practice, practice so you both know what to do when things get a little hairy.

Home Sweet Home!

October 19, 20154 Comments

The cats are alive and well. The house survived the storms and is generally still in one piece (apart from a few gross piles of hairball vomit and one chewed up oven mitt). The suitcases are unpacked. We are surrounded by piles of stinky washing. But there is nothing better than the feeling of climbing into your own bed after two weeks of being on the dusty road, cramped up, sleeping in a camper van!! (Albeit a wickedly amazing campervan)

This was our ‘cosy’ home for the last two weeks – AKA Trippy.

Home sweet home feels great right now!!

Our 2200 mile road trip is sadly over and I have much catching up to do. Apparently a lot happens in 2 weeks when one has stepped away from the internet and phones!

I am absolutely stoked to be back blogging again after my long 2 week break. I have had a lot of thoughts running around my head because, well, I have had a lot of time to think! Most days we were hiking somewhere, occasionally in the ‘wilderness’, so there was plenty of opportunity to go off into my thoughts in the deep, dark, corners of my brain…and of course there was also ample opportunity for Chris and I to talk about some of the deeper and meaningful things in life.

There was the odd occasion when it was just the two of us for miles alone.

So with all that time ‘alone’, I have some future blog posts in mind I will be writing over the next few weeks…

1. A discovery – How far Chris and I are both willing to go with fertility treatment

2. The future size of our family

3. Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month & the wave of light (I missed the wave on the 15th October as we were camped out somewhere in the desert, but Chris and I had a long discussion about it) 😦

4. Recognising the signs and symptoms of depression

Source: http://www.cwmt.org.uk/parents-guide-to-depression/

5. What are we gambling? (inspired by our stay in Las Vegas!)

Our grand total winnings from the Ultimate Poker Table – 2 x Half Dollar Coins

6. An introduction to Dib Dab – our traveling cat

Dib Dab at Bryce Canyon

Dib Dab at Mesa Verde

Our holiday was just what the doctor ordered (Well not what my doctor ordered, who actually wanted me back at home for weekly beta blood tests!! Ha!).

Tomorrow I am back in the thick of work, as well as hopefully my last beta blood test (fingers crossed it is 0 now) 🙂 Also there is some catching up to do on reading some other wonderful blogs! I’m hoping to read some good news !!!

A small reminder that I have absolutely no control over this

October 11, 2015October 11, 201511 Comments

It has been 6 days since I have thought deeply about our recent loss, but today I have thought about it a lot. The past six days have been truly wonderful (we are currently on a 15 day road trip in the South West of USA); Chris and I have hardly talked about what the future holds for us as prospective parents trying to conceive. No baby talk. No IVF talk. Who knew we had so much other stuff to talk about!

All was well and good in the mind of Dani, until I received a phone call when I was at the top of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, from my clinic, reminding me that I am supposed to be taking weekly beta blood tests until my hCG levels are below 5. I was a little peeved about this call. I was annoyed because the day after my last blood test (Monday 27^th Sep about 12 days ago) no one called with my test results, I waited until the day after, still no call. I had every good intention to call them to check what my results were, but my week got so busy at work that I never made the call, and they never called me. So, on Friday 2^nd Oct, I flew out West, in holiday mode, thinking that I must be in the clear, otherwise the clinic would be harassing me on the phone by that point – and so I thought nothing more of it. Until that moment in the Grand Canyon. Now in their defence, they could have called me at any point on my holiday and I wouldn’t have received a message from them due to lack of connectivity to the ‘real world’. Never-the-less I was still slightly annoyed. I told the nurse that it would be a bit tricky for me to come in the next day for a beta blood test because I was currently in Arizona and wasn’t planning to be back until next week. So I asked her if my beta level had dropped sufficiently that it wasn’t urgent for me to take a test. She told me levels were at 49 (finally, I found out my result, until that point I had no clue). She said she would message the doctor who was overseeing my methotrexate treatment, to let him know I was away. She thought it wouldn’t be a problem. I have heard nothing more from the clinic – so I assume all is good with the world, they are not seriously worried….but again….my access to signal is poor to terrible, so who knows?!

Receiving this call briefly reminded me where I was just over a week ago and I felt a bit sad again. But that was a brief moment….and the holiday fun continued.

That was, until yesterday.

I woke up yesterday with period pains. I thought uh oh, I’m not really prepared for my period to happen just yet! BUT my period showed itself within an hour of me thinking, hmmm my period feels like it is coming. That in itself is unusual, I normally get a few days advance warning of pains and twinges. I have previously read online that a period following a miscarriage can be painful and heavier than normal (I don’t really know what normal is supposed to be anyway!!!).

Initially, I was excited because this meant that I would have one normal cycle, then the next cycle have the dreaded HSG test (again :-S), then the third cycle start the Birth Control Pills for next IVF cycle, all before Christmas! Then when I actually thought about it and counted the number of days since I stopped spotting from the miscarriage – it was 16 days since the heavier spotting, and only 13 days since zero blood. So the question I had on my mind was – is this actually my period? – or am I still miscarrying? Everywhere I have read, they say 20 days from end of spotting or hCG below 5, minimum.

And then…..last night I woke up from sharp pains, although they dissipated quickly, just a few hours later, I passed a clot the size of half my hand, I have never experienced this with any period before. But like I said, I have no clue what is normal. And because I have missed my beta test this week, I don’t really know if my hCG levels are back down to 0, so I cannot say for sure this is my period. All day today has been very heavy and very clotty, I felt like I was miscarrying all over again.

I feel sad, all over again. The hormones probably have a part to play, but the sadness has washed over me. Just as I was on my way up.

I’m simply tired of being sad for us.

I have missed blogging over the last week, I have missed reading all the other lovely blogs, I need to hear the good news stories, I need to hear inspiration; I feel like I’ve missed out on some therapy of the mind and soul. Despite my respite from the rest of the world and the wonderful distractions from Mother Nature. But I am writing this today as we drive to Santa Fe – I just couldn’t wait. Chris is probably cursing me right now as we head into Santa Fe getting lost because, as the chief navigator, I am distracted with writing my thoughts.

Please, please let this be an exceptionally heavy period and not a continuation of the miscarriage.

Infertility is teaching me that I have absolutely no control over any of this – my body, my mind. And so although I tell myself it is pointless trying to wish things to be right, I just can’t sweep the sadness aside for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be another day, another day on the path to slow healing.

Introducing: My Mountains – Monday Memoirs – Scotland

September 29, 2015October 12, 201514 Comments

Mondays – I think most of us could say that this day of the week can be likened to a mountain. But I LOVE mountains. Chris loves mountains too. We like climbing mountains (although we haven’t done much of that this year), although climbing mountains is hard work – there is great reward once you get up there though (most of the time!). So I thought I would write a regular post that reminisces on some of our quality mountain days and reflect upon my pudding club hunt; and what better day to write it on than a Monday. Plus the post title alliterates (…got to love a bit of alliteration!). Introducing….My mountains – Monday Memoirs.

The Highlands, Scotland 2010

Hogmanay in bonny Scotland (i.e. New Years eve in beautiful Scotland). We planned an escape from the more traditional New Years Eve parties – i.e. get pissed/sloshed/leathered/smashed/plastered/hammered/wasted/trolleyed/spannered/wankered/battered/badgered/bladdered/fecked/lashed/legless/ming-monged/mullered/ratted/shit-faced/tanked/trashed/wrecked or put more simply – drunk. Yes, us Brits have many words to describe getting drunk! We decided to head off into the Scottish Highlands to see the new year in with a bit of peace and quiet.

After a night of Scottish dancing (a ceilidh) fuelled by haggis, neeps and tatties, we woke up bright and early on New Years Day. Not a hangover to be seen. We took to the hills with not a person in sight. It was bliss. We were spoilt to have the hills to ourselves. Our hike started off in the boggy marshes. There was no path to be found and we were pretty much hiking off our compasses at this point. After about 20 minutes we finally saw a sign, we were heading in the right direction at least!

It was a hard grog up the hillside in the tall marshy grass. But we had some fun along the way, and we took a timer photo that turned out to be one of my favourite pictures of us both – it is my screen saver and people always comment on it.

One of my favourite all time pics of us both.

We had passed the steepest point, about half way up the mountain and so we took a breather – I had to strip down a layer I was so hot….I took off my glasses placed them on a rock beside me so I could pull my fleece over my head. And this was the last time my glasses were ever seen on my head (this very photo!!!).

The last time my glasses were ever seen on my head

When we reached the top of the mountain, it was beautiful, but windy and very very cold, I told Chris we had to keep going before my face froze off. We took one quick picture and started to head off down the other side of the mountain. We had planned a circular route around rather than go back down the same way we came up.

Got to keep yourself warm somehow out there in the wilderness!

Half way down the other side of the mountain I realised I no longer had my glasses with me. FAIL!!!! It was only because of the photo above that we figured that I must have left them on the rock when I stripped down a layer. As you can see from the photo at the top, it was starting to get quite dark. Chris offered to run back up the mountain and get them, but that seemed quite dangerous considering the lack of other people around and the impending darkness.

The moment I realised the glasses were not on my face.

So we stuck to our route, and I was annoyed at myself for a long time – they were quite new glasses as well. For months afterwards I kept an eye out in the ‘outdoors’ magazines in the ‘lost articles’ section just in case someone had found them. But alas. They were gone forever.

So here are the first of my mountain lessons from this trip that help me think about infertility and overcoming the mountains we face.

Mountain Lesson #1. Don’t let the bogs get you down or put you off your course. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. We almost turned back after 15 minutes of bogging it…so glad we didn’t in the end!

Mountain Lesson #2. Sometimes things just get lost, it will make you mad and eventually sad. But losing Chris in a ditch somewhere and probably calling out mountain rescue along the way would have not been worth the loss of my glasses. I made a decision that was safer in the end. He was willing to put himself out there for me – love can make you blind to danger!

The healing power of Stockholm and my Nobel Prize

September 27, 201515 Comments

As I return from my work travels in Stockholm, I have some down time to reflect upon our recent failed first round of IVF. I say ‘failed’…it’s actually quite difficult to say with any confidence that it was actually the IVF that failed us. It is possible I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, but the doctors were unable to confirm it, although they treated me for it with methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy to be on the safe side. Something was growing, they just could see it. If my pregnancy was truly ectopic, then it wasn’t the IVF that caused the demise of my pregnancy….the IVF treatment managed to get me pregnant, but my body decided it wasn’t going to succeed; my body simply decided that this wasn’t my time to join the pudding club.

Or it could all simply be described as just terrible bad luck. Sometimes, there is just no reason known to man why Mother Nature can be so cruel.

Of course, it is natural to blame oneself. There are several potential causal links to an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy: tubal damage, smoking, age, IVF – all of these increase the risk: approximately 1-2% of pregnancies are ectopic. But mostly there is just the plain and simple element of unfortunate luck. You can find on the web doctors who speculate that the risks are higher with IVF because either:

a) With a 3-day transfer, the embryo that would ordinarily be in Fallopian tube at this stage, seeks out the more fluffy warm tubes because that is where it thinks it should be, then gets completely lost and doesn’t ask for directions.
Or b) the doctor who performs the embryo transfer procedure places the embryos too high up in the uterus; or they are transferred too quickly and end up in the wrong place.

However, my doctor explained to me that statistically speaking, the risk of ectopic pregnancy doubles with IVF because generally there are two embryos being transferred and so that risk doubles from 1% to 2%. This makes a whole lot of sense to me. I was just unlucky.

I am thinking through all of this right now because I need to take away something positive from this failed cycle. I’ve got to get my cup half full again….and so the positive could be that we just needed that extra help from ICSI or the hormones, and I was just one of the really unlucky ones to not stay pregnant this time. Next time might just be our time. There is still no reason why it shouldn’t be.

I was feeling a little sorry for myself in my last post. But the last couple of days have been an improvement, and it is starting to look like our path is finally beginning to flatten out, allowing us to take a breather.

Time to catch a breather before heading off on to the foggy path called infertility.

I have been kept mentally busy with work, socialising and networking with my colleagues, so I have had little time to think emotionally about the failed round of treatment. Physically, the pain has dissipated, the bleeding continues (seriously, where does it all come from?!!?), but it is a very small amount that it has barely bothered me. I still feel exhausted, but jet lag most likely lays claim to the cause of that. I miss my pre-natal multi-vitamins, I really hope to be allowed to take them again soon. They help keep my bowels in shape and my energy up.

And I will grow back my positivity because over the next 3 months as we have a plan to get us to our next IVF cycle (hopefully if I get the all clear from my repeat HSG!!). In short – we have our 2 week, 2000 miles, road trip starting from Las Vegas, visiting various amazing places like Grand Canyon, Zion national park, Bryce Canyon, Monument Valley, Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Petrified Forest, Painted Desert, Hoover Dam and a whole lot more. I have another 3 work trips to Europe to fit in – Munich, Berlin and Brussels/Mons (I haven’t been to Berlin yet so that is exciting!). We have a consult with our doctor scheduled for late October to discuss the plan for the next cycle. I need to find some time to fit in a HSG once my period returns (seriously NOT looking forward to that). I am hoping my body is going to play nice and we can get an IVF cycle in just before Christmas. It’s also Chris’s Birthday soon and I want to organise a small party for him. And amongst all that we are going to try and fit in a weekend away to Shenandoah National Park to see the beautiful colours of autumn. No time for stopping over the next 3 months!!

Stockholm has done me a lot of good (despite the jet lag), I’m feeling mentally refreshed and excited to be moving forward. However, I was very disappointed to discover that my invitation to pick up my Nobel Prize must have got lost in the post.

No Nobel Prize for me…..But it was beautiful!

But I did get a chance to scope out the building they award them in, the museum my name would be listed in, and the best restaurants to celebrate at….May be someday I’ll be back 😉 bahahahahaha – Keep dreaming Dani!

The Nobel Museum, Stockholm – Something to reach high for 🙂

10 days of eughhh

September 18, 20158 Comments

It’s been 10 days since I started to miscarry and I am just exhausted from all the emotions and the physical madness that is going on with my body.

My 7 day post-methotrexate injection hCG blood test went very well today. My levels have almost exactly halved since monday, from 2696 to 1358, and dropped 58% overall since the injection was administered. This bodes well for successful treatment. I am even allowed to travel to Stockholm – as long as I am not having any pain. I am not going to hide it, I have been suffering with pain for past two evenings now (weird how it is mostly in the evening). Last night I struggled to sleep because of it. The 500mg extra strength acetaminophen doesn’t seem to cut the mustard, but the acetaminophen with codeine #3 I was prescribed for pain relief after my egg retrieval seems to work a bit better.

My favourite nurse drew my blood today, she asked how I was doing. I just replied ‘eughhh’. She understood and nothing more was said.

Here are two photos of my cat Diesel….sympathising with my ‘eughhh’ feeling. Chris managed to take these beauties yesterday evening in an impromptu photo shoot…..

Chris captured Diesel in beautiful way yesterday evening

What would we do without our fur babies to keep us sane?

Methotrexate Side Effects

September 14, 2015September 14, 201510 Comments

I am just over 72hrs past my first methotrexate injection. I have definitely noticed the side effects, but so far they have not been as bad as I thought.

Over the first 24hrs I felt nauseous and had a very dry mouth despite drinking lots – apparently this is very normal. My bleeding also stopped – not what I was expecting. Since those first 24 hrs, the nausea has continued 😦 I have spotted on and off (no more need for a pad, just a thin panty liner). I have been super tired, but have been sleeping deeply – a silver lining I guess. Last night I had weird pin-point pupils, Chris noticed them and so I looked in the mirror and absolutely freaked out. With a quick google, it looks like it could be the painkillers that did that, so I am not keen on taking those anymore! Pain has been bearable with pain killers – acetaminophen extra strong (NSAIDs like Ibuprofren are not good with the methotrexate), but the pain has been different to when I first started miscarrying where it felt like the worst period cramps, the pain I am experiencing now is short sharp bursts around my ovaries, but not constant. Each time I get a short sharp burst of pain I hold my breathe (not literally) as I hope there is nothing crazy going on down there with a burst tube.

Apparently with methotrexate, the deed starts to kick in after 72 hrs, so I am hoping that tomorrow morning my hCG levels have begun to drop.

Emotionally, I have only broken down in tears three times – an average of once per day I believe is not bad going. The things that upset the most is thinking about how for particular very short moments I actually believed this was a viable pregnancy and talked about the ‘may be’ and ‘what ifs’. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking like that. Having said all that, I don’t think those thoughts are going to go away anytime soon. So we have been focusing on our road trip out West, it helps a lot to re-focus the mind. I think I am ready to go back to work tomorrow – I hope so, I’ve got a meeting in Stockholm to prepare for! (that is if my doctor lets me fly :-s )

PS. I have got to the point that I am not sure what category to post this under – ectopic pregnancy, suspected ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, part of IVF vol I???? I just hate not knowing if this was actually ectopic or not, they had no visible proof of where the pregnancy was and it frustrates the hell out of me – I think I will put it under feelings for now and figure it out later. I wonder what the doctors call this?

Just when you thought it was safe

September 11, 201531 Comments

If you have read my earlier post from today, you will know I was waiting for my hCG results, my doctor was expecting to see a drop or at least a similar level because I have bled so much since Monday.

I got the call at 2.15pm, my doctor said ‘Your levels have increased again to 3200 (from 2600 yesterday), I want you to take the methotrexate. There has to be something growing somewhere other than your uterus. When can you come in?’.

Fortunately Chris was with me because he was working from home, so we were out of the house and on the road to the fertility clinic. We had to stop by the pharmacy to pick up the methotrexate. The pharmacy was in a children’s hospital. I joke with you not. The pharmacy was having problems processing my insurance details, so we waited about 45 minutes. Babies and children EVERYWHERE. It was a very cruel joke. Then to top it all off, it turns out my insurance wasn’t going to cover it. Well – using methotrexate to effectively abort a pregnancy is an off label use of the drug. Duh. Of course my insurance wasn’t going to cover it. Fortunately, the pharmacist used a coupon and it only cost us $23.

Finally we arrive at our clinic, drug in hand. When 5 doctors are telling you to take the methotrexate, it’s time to listen. If my hCG levels got any higher I would not have been eligible to take the drug and surgery would have been my only alternative option. We are not completely out of the clear…the drug is effective only 90% of the time. In 7 days time we find out if it actually worked – and of course I’m still on ‘ectopic rupture watch’ until then.

One of the doctors injected the drug into my buttock muscle…honestly, all I was thinking was – can’t a nurse do it? Only because he asked where I would like it to be injected arm muscle or butt muscle (nice to have the choice!), we decided on butt muscle – he then turned to my doc to ask where would be a good place on the butt! This was the point I was nervous!! But I think it had to be the doctor injecting it – I don’t really know. It was painless compared to progesterone butt injections, the needle was a lot smaller though.

Methotrexate comes with a long list of side effects…I am already experiencing two of them (though these should only last about 24 hours and are relatively normal) – tiredness and nausea – they hit me about 3 hours after I was given the injection. I won’t list the things I have to watch out for as a side effect, they can easily be found by googling ‘methoretexate ectopic pregnancy’.

We are truly gutted this had to be our course of action, but it seems to be the safest considering the large unknown growing inside me 😦

The saddest thing

September 9, 201515 Comments

The saddest thing about today is that we feel a relief with our miscarriage. It’s a bit of an oxymoron really. I am sure it is going to hit me soon, but for now I am feeling a huge weight of my shoulder, I feel 5 times lighter.

I had my blood drawn this morning by a super nice nurse, and I returned to my clinic this afternoon for the results and ultrasound. It didn’t start off great. My doctor said my hCG had risen again to 2600 from 1300 4 days ago. Yikes. I told her about my bleeding the past two days and how at 2AM I was up passing clots the size of golf balls and had been bleeding for the rest of today.

The two doctors spent an age checking every inch of my tubes, ovaries and uterus. The ‘junior’ doctor kept pointing to something and saying that she thought it was ectopic, they even switched on the colour flow on the ultrasound to see my blood pumping around, looking for the signs of the tell-tale ‘ectopic donut’ where blood flows around the pregnancy. But my doctor said no, that was definitely not ectopic, and she has seen lots of ectopics in her career (she this out loud!!). Especially now my hCG levels are much higher they really would expect to see something by now. I am very appreciative of the amount of time they took to look, particularly in comparison to the on-call doctor and other senior doctor at the weekend who spent 1/8 of the time hunting. My doctor said with an ectopic pregnancy I wouldn’t get bleeding with such large clots so she thinks it is very unlikely I am ectopic. I am SO GLAD I listened to my gut instinct and said NO to taking the methotrexate.

So the conclusion? It takes a few days for hCG levels to drop after a miscarriage begins therefore I will return on Monday next week for another blood test to check they are dropping and this is in fact a miscarriage. I have got a sick note for the rest of the week off work, so now for a bit of chilling out and eating lots of chocolate (seriously I have eaten a lot of chocolate already today).

I’m not completely in the clear just yet, we need to see my hCG levels drop and I need to pass whatever it is that has been growing in me causing my hCG levels to rise (prob. the placenta). The ‘junior’ doctor is on call this weekend, she said ‘don’t call me!!!’ she really meant “I hope you don’t need to call me!!!”…bless, she is lovely in her very quiet way.

My doctor reckons 6-8 weeks before I get a normal period returning, then we wait a natural cycle, start the Birth Control Pills and then can start a new round of IVF again or do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) – whatever we want 🙂 This will put us at Christmas time :-s

Miscarriage is a terrible, sad, painful and hurtful experience. At 2AM last night when the big clots were passing I felt lonely and slightly terrified, I tried to sleep through the waves of pain but it was impossible, I finally fell asleep again at 5.30AM. I don’t know how long the physical pain will last, but I know that the psychological pain will last a whole lot longer.

For anyone who is reading this and currently experiencing a miscarriage right now, my heart truly breaks with you too – may be you have found this web page already, but I thought it was very useful: Coping with Miscarriage http://carikay11.hubpages.com/hub/miscarriagerecovery . Knowing that miscarriage is so common (1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage) makes this even harder, because I think about how many of my friends and family have silently been affected. I am so sorry you had to go through this – because this truly sucks X

Tomorrow is M-Day (Methotrexate Day) Ummmm NOT!

September 8, 20158 Comments

Yesterday I started to properly bleed, but it was on and off and only about a regular pad’s worth of blood. Today I woke up with spotting. Damn it I thought. But then at lunch time it came – the bleeding got heavier and has continued today. I think my body is going to deal with this naturally. I am starting to feel more positive about me saying no on Sunday to the methotrexate injection.

Today I rang up my clinic and explained what happened over the weekend. After multiple calls from various nurses and doctors, this evening we eventually decided upon a plan of attack. Tomorrow morning I go for a beta blood test, then in the afternoon I will return for an ultrasound. By that time my doctor will be free out of surgery so she can see me personally, and she will have my blood test results. So fingers crossed my hCG levels are in fact going down – surely they must be if I am bleeding this much? Otherwise if they are still increasing she wants me to take the methotrexate.

My liver function blood test results all came back normal, but my Blood Cell differential results didn’t come back exactly all normal. But they are not too far from the normal limits i.e. pointing towards anemia. It will be interesting to see what the doc says. I know what is normal for me because my work makes me take an annual medical which includes a full blood cell count – I’ve always had quite low numbers and is why I take multi-vits to top me up – perhaps it is just the IVF treatment, or perhaps it is normal for a pregnant lady. But we shall find out tomorrow!!!