Miscarriage & the shameful tabloids

March 12, 2016March 12, 20165 Comments

I love a quick flick through the trashy magazines whilst I queue up at the supermarket*, and this week I was saddened by the headline of the Star magazine:

“Gwen’s Baby Heartbreak Emergency Visit To Hospital”

“This was our last chance to start a family”

“Gwen terrified Blake will leave her”

So I picked it up and actually bought the magazine. I thought it would be about a personal account of Gwen’s struggle with miscarriage. Maybe a celeb was being open about how terrible miscarriage is and spreading awareness. So I made an impromptu purchase.

They had me.

A few moments later a couple queued up behind me and the lady also caught sight of this headline; she was quietly speaking to her husband about how sad that is…and then….she started crying. Her husband consoled her and asked- why are you crying? I couldn’t quite hear her response through the tears, but it made me feel like crying for her, for me and for poor Gwen Stefani.

Later that day when I got home and started to read the article about Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s relationship and their ‘heartbreak’ (I had no clue they were even dating! That’s what happens you get rid of your cable TV to save money! All my celeb gossip knowledge gone!). The magazine article explained how the couple have been “trying to conceive for four months” (BTW – they have only been dating for four months!) and now they may have to “abandon their hopes for a child together”. Anybody having to abandon hopes of conceiving their own child is a very sad situation, even if it was only for four months they tried (Gwen is 47 and has 3 boys her youngest is 3 years old). The Star’s secret source apparently told the magazine that “[Gwen] doesn’t want to talk about it, but her friends are afraid she might have had a miscarriage or was told that she can’t have any more kids.”

What the *%!% ??? …..so basically Star magazine, you created a headline out of some random source who said Gwen *might* have had a miscarriage. MIGHT have had a miscarriage. Or she was told she can’t have kids. Oh and “she doesn’t want to talk about it” – yeh she wouldn’t want to talk about it to YOU, the ‘secret Star magazine source’. Because you are already doing a shitty thing and speculating to a magazine about poor Gwen’s personal family life.

This source then claims that “Gwen and Blake are so in love and have been trying like crazy to conceive a baby. They thought it happened – she told him she had all the signs of being pregnant. They were absolutely ecstatic and couldn’t wait for the doctor to confirm the happy news.” And here comes the clincher of the story “Gwen must be devastated. I think she’s scared Blake will leave her if she can’t have his baby.”

Am I living in cuckoo land or is this story just outrageous??!! I can only imagine that if Gwen has seen this headline she would be devastated that this magazine published this story about her miscarrying in this manner – whether there was any tiny bit of truth behind it or not.

It turns out (unsurprisingly) this article was simply untrue. This has to be the worst kind of low down tabloid story I’ve read in a long time, clutching at straws and making something up like that is just so wrong in many many ways. Gwen & Blake I wish you could sue these big arses for this terrible story. But I know you probably won’t because you would have to drag your private life about your personal family building through the courts. And you have only been together for 4 months. No one wants that at this stage of their relationship, especially as they have been through their own messy personal divorces not long ago. I am so sorry to you Gwen, and Blake. I am sorry I bought that magazine, I didn’t know.

It’s just shameful Star magazine. I am boycotting all your publications and your sister ones like OK! too. I admit I love a bit of celeb gossip, but this isn’t gossip, it’s just heartbreaking 😦

*US translation – I love a quick flick through the trashy magazines whilst I am in line at the grocery store.

Pain after hysteroscopy

March 10, 201613 Comments

I’m pretty much used to various pains from my irritable bowel syndrome and my painful periods…but since my hysteroscopy I’ve been having really short sharp pains that radiate from uterus for a second, then disappear. It’s been random and a couple of times a day, and so haven’t thought anything more of it. But today at work I’ve doubled over a couple of times, noticeably in front of colleagues, and then been absolutely fine. The pain just disappears. I’m getting closer to the start of my period so I guess that is why it’s getting worse. I’m not very good at knowing whether this is normal or not, so when I speak with the nurse again I’ll ask. I didn’t need any pain killers at all after the procedure last week, so maybe it’s completely unrelated to the hysteroscopy or maybe this is to be expected ☹

On a slightly related note, I’ve been figuring out when our third IVF will be with the new Lupron down regulation protocol. Depending on when my period starts this week, we could be starting stims the 1/2 April or the week after that! I’ve got the ball rolling with pre-approval from my insurance, I’ve got my birth control pills ready, I’ve stocked up on CoQ10 and new this cycle – melatonin! I’ve checked with my doctor and I can start the birth control pills before my results from the hysteroscopy appointment next week, if all things are good on that front I then start the Lupron for 2 weeks. I’ve also been clearing my work diary too and scheduling in some leave that I postponed from cycle 2. Fingers crossed, things at work will be a little easier going.

The tears

March 6, 2016March 6, 20167 Comments

I woke up like any other morning, rolled over and checked my phone to see what the time was. I can’t help but check my notifications on my phone in case something exciting has happened whilst I’ve been sleeping (a pretty bad habit of mine)…if there is a facebook notification then I open up facebook. This morning, bleary eyed I opened up facebook and there was a stream of lovely photos of my friends in the UK celebrating mothers’ day (it’s not mothers day here in the US)…it warmed my heart. I like mothers’ day, I’ve never found mother’s day difficult whilst trying to conceive. Yes it kind of sucks that I’m not a mum yet, but I feel more association with the day to my mother and celebrating her. But……

This morning as I woke up, for some reason when I read a post about someone who was pregnant and celebrating being a mother, it triggered me. I thought about how far along I would be if huckleberry had decided to implant a few inches lower in my uterus rather than where ever else he was hiding probably in my fallopian tube (we never found out exactly). I would be 32 weeks pregnant with a nice bump. I would be waking up, probably complaining about some pregnancy ailment. I would be asking huckleberry how he felt like behaving today. We would probably have the nursery almost ready…..maybe I would have bought that adorable onesie I saw last week in TJ Maxx…maybe, just maybe, I would consider my self eligible for mothers’ day today. And so this morning, I quietly had a bit of a cry thinking about these things of what might have been.

I’m not to dwell on the ‘what ifs’…but yet it reminded me that there are many, many women out there who have mother hearts. We might not be able to see them, but they are loved by many. So to you all…happy mothers’ day X

mother's day.jpg

A week of celebrating my loves

March 5, 2016March 5, 20169 Comments

This week has been chaotic, stressful, exhausting and emotional both in my personal and work life. It was like being on the triple loop-de-loop part of the roller coaster of infertility with a crowd of people squirting water into my face as I go round and round. Ughh I feel sick!! My roller coaster journey hasn’t stopped just yet, but it’s feeling a little gentler this weekend!

But amongst all that chaos there are three people in my life who are always there for me that I am celebrating this week – My husband, my mummy and my granny!

My husband.

Four years ago I married my best friend, my confidant and my very handsome lover, Chris. It was an amazing day! We celebrated our love and our commitment to each other with all our friends and family around us. The sun came out and we danced the night away to an epic Ceilidh band. I remember every minute of it, I hope I never forget second of it. Little did we know on that day what the next four years had in store for us! We had no clue we would be moving our lives to the USA and starting from scratch. We had no clue we would lose touch with some of our friends, and make some friendships even stronger despite the distance. We had no clue we would be making new friends. We had no clue we would struggle to grow our family. We had no clue we would miss these friends and family that surrounded us that special day. And through all of this, our love continues to grow stronger day by day in ways I never thought possible.

Thank you Chris for being so loving to me!

The cat who got the cream!

My mummy.

I have known and loved my mum longer than anybody else in the world. We have had our fair share of disagreements….OK….some of them might actually be arguments! But I can say that probably 95% of the time they were of my doing as a teenager I caused despair with my mother! We are also chalk and cheese in some other things in life and times, I have wondered sometimes how we are related, but I guess that is normal in every parent-child relationship! The important thing is, my mum always supported me in my differences and encouraged me to seek out the best and different opportunities in life – even when she didn’t really approve (I could tell those disapproving looks!). I don’t think I would be so happy and successful now without her support.

My mother has been through some very tough times in her life and has battled breast cancer – twice. She has also been through many ups and downs in her relationships with my fathers. Simply put, my mum is a fighter. The most important thing my mother has taught me as I grew up, probably unknowingly to her and maybe today she will only realise that I credit this to her, is problem solving skills – and not giving up on wicked problems. I learnt this skill from observation and understanding the effects of successfully solving a problem ….it was a nurtured skill, not given, not genetic. Often I’ve wondered how I ended up becoming an analyst, but it makes a lot of sense given what I have learned from my mum. And there is one other thing that I admire about my mother – and that is her care and dedication to many of her friends and her children at her job.

Thank you mummy for being you!!! Happy Mothers Day!!

My granny.

My gran is the second person in my life I have known the longest after my mum (my mum wins because I hung around inside her for 9 months before meeting the rest of the world :-p). My gran is one of the most humble and selfless ladies I have ever known in my life. My gran has taught me the values and standards I try to live by in life and how to be considerate for other people. I think this is why today I find it so hard to fathom why other people can be so mean and horrible to other human beings (i.e. trolls). But there is something else that I think my gran might not realise she has taught me to be in life… that is fearless. My gran IS fearless. My gran is not afraid to try new things or think of things in a different light. I am pretty sure every time I speak to my gran she has been doing something different, something new – it probably seems like nothing to her – but to me that is amazing. Gran is coming to visit us in a few months time and I am soooo excited that we can share our USA experiences with her! My granny and papa looked after me and my brothers regularly as we grew up and their unconditional love has always been my safe place that I think about when I use calming techniques.

Although my gran isn’t my mother, she is my mummy’s mother and so on this Mother’s day I want to thank you granny for everything you do!!!!

Infertility is a disease

February 16, 2016February 16, 201613 Comments

Infertility is a disease. It is a disease that results in the abnormal functioning of the male or female reproductive system. The World Health Organisation, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists recognise infertility as a disease.

So why don’t I think of infertility as a disease? Why do people not think about infertility is a disease? Because we don’t understand it. We don’t learn about it at school. We might learn about it through friends and family, but only if they choose to share their diagnosis and treatment. Many do not because they are embarrassed that they cannot successfully procreate.

But I am finally beginning to understand infertility, and I have been suffering from it, for over a year now. It’s taken me a while! So how can I expect non-infertile people to understand when I live and breathe it daily?

Why is it so important that infertility is recognized as a disease? Because generally people understand that a disease is something that is fought against. The concept of letting a disease consume a human being is horrifying, whether it is physically or mentally consuming. Disease is bad. Disease should not be tolerated. Disease should be researched and studied until we figure out how to overcome it.

I personally have been ignorant to the fact that we are fighting a disease. I have advocated for education and learning about infertility through my blog, and yet I have only just realized that I was ignoring it. That might seem to be an absurd statement considering the number of blog posts I have made in the past year….I think about my infertility every waking day. May be I am obsessed by it. But I have ignored it at large too. Why? Because I have been led to believe that I have a choice to procreate. And luckily, I do have a choice. I can choose not to procreate. But my choice to be able to procreate has been taken away from me by this disease.

Here’s an analogy for you.

One day I wake up and notice that I have an open wound on my arm. Hmmmm. I don’t know where that came from! Well, it doesn’t hurt, so I get up, get dressed and continue with my day. That small bloody wound on my arm is noticed by a couple of people at work.

Someone asks me…

”Errrrr……Dani……..do you know you have an open wound on your arm?”

I reply nonchalantly,

“Oh yes, I saw that this morning, it doesn’t hurt, so I figured I’ll be OK, I’ll just let it heal on its own”

My colleague looks at me strangely and says, “OK…..if you say so! You may want to get that checked out though, it looks a little nasty”.

I think about this encounter, thinking may be my colleague is right, perhaps I should get it checked out and then wonder when I can fit in a doctor’s appointment to get it looked at. I look through my calendar and see I have an open space in three weeks’ time after I have made a trip to Europe and back, and a major milestone is complete in my project. After all….it doesn’t hurt so I’ll be fine. I make the appointment to see the doctor for 3 weeks and 4 days time.

Meanwhile, I begin to learn that my arm wound offends people, so I cover it up in creative and inventive ways so as to not gross people out or distract them in meetings. But the wound is getting bigger by the day…it is spreading and now covers my entire forearm. But don’t cry for me, I can still type OK so, thankfully, I can still do my work. So no more questions are asked.

3 weeks and 4 days comes and my boss asks me to complete an urgent piece of work. I think about my arm and weigh up the pros and cons of not going to the doctor’s appointment. After all…what is the worst that can happen? My arm might need surgery. May be. OK I can cope with that, they will give me anesthesia, I’m sure. Or the absolute worst case scenario. I lose my arm. They have to amputate my arm. Yeh, that would REALLY suck. But I mean it doesn’t hurt now so that probably won’t happen. But who needs an arm anyway? Not me….Lots of people cope without their arms. I’ll be fine!

Infertility is the flesh eating disease on our arm. If it was visible, people will be telling us to go the doctor’s EVERYDAY to get it fixed. And infertility is like this analogy, because for the past year I have been constantly trying to fit in my infertility treatment around my work life. Like this anology, if I don’t do anything I could end up losing my arm – and we all know that I’m not going to die if I lose my arm. My life would just SUCK a lot. And people would feel sorry for me. Similarly, if I don’t attempt to fight this infertility like this flesh eating thing, I would just end up with no child. I’m not going to die. But that would SUCK a lot, and people would feel sorry for me.

But today, no more, I stand to FIGHT THIS INFERTILITY AS IT IS – A DISEASE. I will make sure to do my best to fight it, by keeping myself mentally healthy as well as physically healthy. If this means I need to make sacrifices at work, then this is what I will do to fight this disease. No more will it simply ‘fit in around my work life’. If I am going to advocate for infertility awareness and education, I need to fight it like I mean it, and it starts with recognizing infertility as a disease.

At least you know you can get pregnant

February 11, 201615 Comments

I think I’m quite a tough lady when it comes to receiving mis-informed and unintentionally hurtful infertility advice from the more fertile. I experience it frequently because I am open about our infertility journey. I forgive them because I know they don’t understand infertility as a disease and they only mean the best for me. And I also know they couldn’t possibly truly understand how I feel because it has never happened to them. Similarly like to people who have suffered from other diseases such as anorexia or depression or cancer, I don’t know what it is like or how it feels…I would never offer my uninformed opinion about treatment options or ways to overcome the symptoms of these diseases. I won’t offer consolation that attempts to make them feel better about their disease. Rather, I will offer my ear and my hand.

So why is infertility any different to any of these other diseases in how we talk to other people about them? Why do so many bloggers end up writing about this struggle? Is lack of education really the cause of this? May be other disease sufferers experience similar unhelpful comments too. I really don’t know.

Have you seen that film about depression where friends and family offer their advice about depression, but the recipient of the advice is portrayed as a cancer sufferer? The point of the video is that you wouldn’t say these things to someone who has cancer, so why would you say these things to people who have depression? I think it is a great educational video (it’s at the end of this blog post if you want to see it). Ultimately, I think there needs to be a film in a similar light about infertility. I know there has been outrage on some forums of comparing infertility to cancer. I understand that it is outrageous because people generally won’t die from infertility. Comparing depression to cancer may also outrage many people as well…but depression can lead to suicide, it can kill too, but it is not a well understood. So what is my point? My point is that there are helpful things you can say to someone with infertility, and then there are unhelpful, even hurtful, things you can say to someone with infertility.

I have written about things that hurt, what to say, what not to say to someone with infertility many times before (ignorance is bliss, a voice of the child free family, Grow some thicker skin, you are so lucky you don’t have kids, Understanding: #YouAreNotAlone, Reblog from Que Milagro: Pardon Me While I burst into flames). Today’s post adds to this list. Today I am writing about one particular comment I have received multiple times since our loss from IVF cycle 1 from both fertile and infertile people:

“At least you know you can get pregnant”

I’m just going to put it out there straight away. There is nothing consoling about this.

I get that there are many women who have never seen those two pink lines, me being one of them until our fist IVF cycle. So I understand how hard it is to get negative after negative 25 times in a row. But being pregnant and losing a pregnancy is not consoling, knowing that I ‘did get pregnant’. I didn’t stay pregnant. Maybe they would say “But it’s one step in the right direction”, yes perhaps, but it was then like ten steps back after our loss.

Would you say this to someone after they lost their baby during childbirth? No. Would you say this to someone who lost their baby in their third trimester? I doubt it. Would you say this to someone who has suffered from recurrent pregnancy loss and miscarried 6 times? Definitely not. Would you say it to someone with secondary infertility? For goodness sake, NO. So why does this need to ever be said at all? It makes absolutely no sense at all and simply reminds me that we simply FAILED.

I am due to have my first beta test on Friday and in some ways, I am afraid of a positive than a negative. Don’t get me wrong, I WANT A POSITIVE MORE THAN ANYTHING. But I am afraid of when the positive comes, I know that even if this is my one successful pregnancy, my journey through the first trimester is going to be a psychological challenge. If we ended up in a similar position to last time with a slow rising beta levels, pregnancy of unknown location suspected ectopic, yes it will be easier knowing the process the second time around, but it will be bloody damn hard to go through it all again. And that is why I cannot accept the statement “At least you know you can get pregnant” as consoling.

Avoiding the Mirror

January 21, 20168 Comments

I have been avoiding the mirror a lot lately. I look at my face in the mirror, but not my body. I can’t even look down, when I shave my legs I avoid looking at the area between my legs and boobs. It’s the part of my body that feels disgusting to me (apart from feet – feet are pretty disgusting to me too). I don’t necessarily mean that I am disgusted with the way my physical body looks, but I have some strange issues with my stomach in particular. Both in the physical and emotional sense. I am slim build, lucky to have a fast metabolism, I don’t have any eating disorders, I love food and we have a good relationship (except for the sugar, sugar and I are always going at it head to head!!). So this doesn’t have anything to do with me thinking I am fat.

I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and this means that I suffer from random stomach pains and I get terrible bouts of diarrhea. Certain food and stress triggers my IBS. My relationship with my stomach has never really been a good one.

The worst issue I have are things touching my stomach – whether that is me, my clothes, the cats or even Chris. There are times in the day where I cannot bear for things to touch my stomach – even my stomach touching the stomach (i.e. when bending over). I hate the way it feels. I have tried to explain it to Chris many times and even to myself, but I just can’t put words to how it makes me feel. Disgusted is probably not really the right word, but it’s pretty close to how I feel. But then there will be occasions when I am absolutely OK with my stomach being touched – I am unpredictable, there is no way of knowing if it is OK or not. It is worse after I have just eaten, but I can often mitigate this by having a hot water bottle on my stomach, this helps for some reason.

The weirdness of not touching my stomach also extends to not looking at my stomach. I don’t know why, but may be I have so much hate for the pain and grief it has caused me over the years.

Add in the bloatedness from the stimulation drugs from this IVF cycle and the problem perpetuates. I hate squeezing my tummy ready for the needles, I hate touching it and I hate looking at it.

What will I be like when I am pregnant? Well from the short period of time I have been pregnant I think this weirdness will still prevail, will it get worse? I hope not! For Chris’s sake at least because I know he will be wanting to feel close to the little one growing inside of me!

Mirror, mirror on the wall…..

I’m not going to leave you

January 11, 201626 Comments

Yes, it’s true, I have said to Chris on several occasions in the past that I worry that he might leave me if I can’t provide us with a baby. It’s quite a ridiculous thing to think about, I know. I haven’t felt like this though for a long time, but I have felt in the past. Perhaps when I was lot less insecure with myself and our relationship. I can genuinely say now that I am not worried that he would leave me because we can’t have a child.

After everything we have been through together, I doubt he wants to run off with someone else to give it a go 🙂 I am just kidding. But what I really mean, is that I have seen with my own eyes and felt in my own heart how far and how much Chris is willing to put into this baby to make it happen – it has strengthened our relationship in ways I can not explain how.

Naturally, Chris gets offended by the very thought that I would believe he might leave me if I couldn’t bear a child. He tell’s me:

“I’m not going to leave you, silly”

And I don’t blame him that he might be quietly offended. I think in some ways it is like I just questioned his love for me. I never meant for it to be interpreted like that, I just never understood why he would want to stay with me when he could find happiness elsewhere. I can see now how much it must have hurt for me to utter these words to him “I’m afraid you might leave me”.

I truly do not feel like that today. I have come a long way since I first worried about this. I know Chris will be there with me, no matter what. I am lucky to have discovered this now, I don’t need to worry. But the funny thing is Chris worries that I still worry. It’s worrying, all this unnecessary worrying.

Despite my own past insecurities, there is something that never goes away on this infertility journey; it’s those very tough days when your relationship with your partner is pushed to the extreme limits. Just when you thought it was safe, the cork pops. The feelings explode. You don’t know where they came from. Our resiliency is tested to the max. That happened this weekend.

I know we will bounce back stronger, with a better understanding of each other’s buttons and mind matter. It’s just hard to pull myself back up sometimes and Chris is no different. We normally use each other’s strength to help one or the other back up, but what happens when you both fall down? I don’t want to wait for help from someone else, we need some self rescue.

….do you have any ideas? How can we get ourselves out of this funk? How do you get yourselves out of the blues and into the sunshine, together again?

Happiness Lies in the Present Moment

January 5, 201611 Comments

Nearly three years ago I went to my very first yoga class. I actually went to an Adult Learning College and took a ten week class for beginners. As I had just arrived in the USA I thought it would be a great way to meet new people and make new friends. I was the youngest in the class by about 30 years, so I didn’t make many new friends, but I did meet some wonderful people. I was excited to be trying a new fitness ‘thing’. What I didn’t expect from this course was what I would learn about myself.

I arrived 2 minutes late for the very first class (whoops!!!) and everyone was lying down…was I in the right class? So I lay down my mat and followed along. The teacher was trying to explain to us the importance of breathing in yoga. As we followed along with inhales and exhales, I began to laugh at myself, this was way too hippy for my liking. I felt uncomfortable just closing my eyes and following my breath. The teacher asked as to think about each breath as we inhaled and exhaled, not about what we were going to have for dinner, or that work project, or that friend you need to call back. Just to focus our attention on the air flowing in the mouth, down the throat, expanding the lungs and back out again. Suddenly, I was lost in the present moment. My mind was quiet. I don’t remember the last time my mind had truly stopped racing….even when I sleep I dream a lot. Little did I know this was my first step towards a love of yoga and a new skill of meditation.

After several terms at the Adult Learning College I decided I was no longer a beginner and so joined a nearby yoga studio. The classes were small, often there were just a couple of us so there was a lot of teacher attention, it was great!!! One of our teachers liked to share with us some of her favourite motivational readings, and from this I discovered even more about myself as I took the time to listen and contemplated the reading after the class in the car on the way home. It was so peaceful.

The one thing that I have learned from yoga is that happiness is now. It lies in the present moment. It can be found quite easily when I allow my mind to rest and take the focus of my attention of my concerns and problems, and allow my mind o relax and remain in the moment. I find breathing techniques help me do this quite well.

I learned that happiness cannot occur when we attach conditions to meet it. As this is an infertility blog, a good example is….. “I will be happy once I finally have a child in my arms”. It is too easy to fail to recognise the feeling of happiness for what it is and inadvertently let it drift away with our thoughts of the future, looking for happiness somewhere else.

I discovered that after my yoga classes I felt a wave of warmth and happiness within myself.

I need to find this feeling again…My yoga studio went bust last year and there isn’t another one that is as close, so I have found excuses. I could do it myself, use online videos, but I enjoy being lead to that feeling and some times I find it difficult to motivate myself on to the mat. But excuses no more! Inner happiness in the present I shall find!!!

(Hopefully!!)

Time

January 4, 20164 Comments

Today I am reflecting on time.

time quote.jpg

This week I turned 33 years old, and so I decided to celebrate all the threes, 33! I had a few friends over for an afternoon tea party and we learned how to knit. Yup….you may have been mistaken into thinking that I was actually having my 65th Birthday Party. But haven’t you heard? Knitting is totally hipster.

This is how I imagined my friends and I to be like at my Birthday party. Very Cool.

Thinking about turning 33 I realise that I am quickly heading towards 35. Yeh, yeh, that is two years away. But 35 is the age that women apparently ‘may find it more difficult to get pregnant’…note – it can be difficult, not impossible. And that is to be said for a woman who was supposedly more fertile than myself. So, if the next round of IVF is successful and we do decide to have a second child I would definitely be past 35 if we ever tried to conceive again. Not exactly what I had in mind! But time is never going to be on my side and I can’t cheat it!

Today as I did a bit of early spring cleaning, I took down our four photo frames Chris and I put together for our Wedding day. They were starting to curl and look a bit raggedy.

Our photo collage we put together for our wedding day…we look so young!

I peeled the photos off the frame and I noticed the lack of wrinkles on my face in some of the photos. A couple were from over eight years ago when Chris and I first met. As I look in the mirror today I see my slightly more pronounced furrow lines and wonder how much my life experience impacts these lines. Often we associate wrinkles with ‘wisdom in life’, and I sure feel like that. Since I met Chris we have done incredible things in our lives. If I were to die today I would think I had led a pretty amazing life and would go with a smile. But experience and wisdom doesn’t simply come from the good things in life, it’s also the bad things. I think it’s difficult to truly appreciate the good things without experiencing some pain. So when I see those furrow lines in the mirror I don’t just see time fading, I see time enriching me.

“The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.” – Jean Paul Sartre

With infertility, I want time to pass quickly, I’m always waiting. The dreaded two week wait (How many of those have I written about on this blog now??!), waiting to start treatment or waiting to end treatment! But I don’t want it to pass so quickly that my furrows grow deeper and I realise too late that infertility made me accidentally press the pause button on gaining that life experience and wisdom – the good, bad and ugly.

So as I move forward into 2016, my new year’s resolution is to embrace time and make every bit of sand in that hourglass of life count for something.