Living in the moment

I should be living in the moment, but I am not.  I think about the past, I think about the future.  First let me say that I am very grateful that we have this chance, that I am finally pregnant. I know there are many women who want to be in my position.  I have been where you are.  But it is not easy, so bear with me whilst I explain.

The past should stay in the past, but I can’t help but question why we went through everything that we did to make our baby rocky (I wonder why anyone should have to go through that, and for some even more).  We still don’t know the cause of our infertility, and this is difficult for me to deal with.  Why did it work this time?   Out of 25 embryos we made, 1 decided to implant itself in the correct place.  1 survived. 1 made it.  But why didn’t the other 24 make it?  Just because I am pregnant, doesn’t mean I have closure on my infertility, why my body doesn’t want to do what it is meant to do.  I was on the edge of losing hope of any medical resolution.  We treated the symptoms, but we didn’t treat the cause.  We are still unexplained.

And all of this is in the past…right?  But then there is the future on my mind.  What if this baby dies inside me?  What if this baby is still born?  What if all this medical intervention has created a baby that cannot survive, that never had a chance or is severely damaged in some way?  What if we go through all this and get to the end with nothing in our arms, nothing to put to bed and kiss every night, but left with a heart of love, broken into a million pieces.

The future is still an infertile one for me.  I do not have confidence that we figured out how to resolve our infertility.  I believe what has happened was a result of simply try, try again and we got lucky.  Luck was on our side?  This is really hard to deal with because, I may never be this lucky again.

It is hard at times to live in the present right now.  I mostly do, but the past and the future sneak into my mind occasionally.  When I catch myself doing this, I remember the things I have learned in yoga and meditation.  I bring myself back to the present.

The Enhanced 2 Week Wait

It’s kind of like I’ve received my invite to join the pudding club, I’ve completed my application, I’ve done my best to fill everything out correctly, I’ve been thanked for my application and told I will be welcomed, subject to approval!  But there is a pause….no one is communicating with me, my doubts are creeping in.  May be they found something in my application that they don’t like.  May be I won’t be joining the pudding club after all.  This period of waiting is what I am calling the “Enhanced Two Week Wait”.

During this period of time, it doesn’t take much to make me stop and think about what might be.  And when I think about what might be I briefly hold in the tears.  Sometimes it’s tears of sadness and other times it’s tears of relief and happiness. 

With the sadness I think what might happen if we look at the screen and there is no fetal pole or no heartbeat.  I won’t be able to hold those tears back.  The immense sadness will wash right through me.  I  won’t be able to not think about the injections, the pain from the OHSS, the tiredness, the surprising love for someone I have never met….all for nothing.  It will be for nothing with a cruel ending that results in a horrible painful bloody mess.  It will all have been for nothing. 

And then sometimes I’m on the brink of tears of relief and happiness.  With the happiness I think what might happen if we look at the screen and there it is…wobbling around in there – only just the size of a grape, unknowing as to how much it is loved and wanted to be held in our arms.  I will feel relief that it was all worth it; that I am proud of ourselves sticking to the path on this rocky journey. 

I will keep these little thoughts in the back of my mind that will continue to creep every single time I feel a pain in my uterus for the next week, reminding me something is going on down there.  Just 5 more days and one of these opposite realities will come to fruition.

I am just over half way into this ‘enhanced 2 week wait’, and there is absolutely nothing I can do but patiently wait.  It’s been a tough first week being away from Chris in a country where there is a 6 hour time zone difference…picking up the phone to talk has been challenging with the nature of our work, it doesn’t help.  I’m becoming a pro at giving myself these progesterone injections, I even gave myself an injection without icing the area first.  It turns out that it just stings a little bit afterwards so it wasn’t too bad pain wise.

I have had sporadic pregnancy symptoms, which doesn’t fill me with confidence, but I know that this is the case for many women who go onto have successful pregnancies.  I just can’t help but err to the side of negativity. 

Symptoms:

Peeing a lot.  I have been on this plane for just 4 hours and have been to the toilet 7 times already. Boobs.  They don’t like being touched or leaned on (i.e. lying on my front is painful!!) Sorry Chris, no boob touching just yet!! 😉

Nausea.  I have had only a couple of instances of being on the verge of puking, but these were easily resolved as soon as I got some food in me! 

Tiredness.  It has been a hard week with work and travelling to Europe I’ve had little opportunity to catch up on my sleep so I am constantly yawning.  I have even set my alarm a couple of times this week for 10-15 minute PKs (Power Kips). 

Period type pains.  These pains don’t last very long maybe a minute or two and come randomly in waves.

Actually listing out all these symptoms makes me realise that perhaps I am a bit more pregnant than I really thought I was!  In addition to this I am still suffering from OHSS albeit a lot less.  Twisting my torso around or bending down/reaching up still is painful.  😦

I hate to wish my time away in this life, but I really wish it was Thursday already!

At least you know you can get pregnant

I think I’m quite a tough lady when it comes to receiving mis-informed and unintentionally hurtful infertility advice from the more fertile.  I experience it frequently because I am open about our infertility journey.  I forgive them because I know they don’t understand infertility as a disease and they only mean the best for me.  And I also know they couldn’t possibly truly understand how I feel because it has never happened to them.  Similarly like to people who have suffered from other diseases such as anorexia or depression or cancer, I don’t know what it is like or how it feels…I would never offer my uninformed opinion about treatment options or ways to overcome the symptoms of these diseases.  I won’t offer consolation that attempts to make them feel better about their disease.  Rather, I will offer my ear and my hand.

So why is infertility any different to any of these other diseases in how we talk to other people about them?  Why do so many bloggers end up writing about this struggle?  Is lack of education really the cause of this? May be other disease sufferers experience similar unhelpful comments too.  I really don’t know.

Have you seen that film about depression where friends and family offer their advice about depression, but the recipient of the advice is portrayed as a cancer sufferer?  The point of the video is that you wouldn’t say these things to someone who has cancer, so why would you say these things to people who have depression?  I think it is a great educational video (it’s at the end of this blog post if you want to see it).  Ultimately, I think there needs to be a film in a similar light about infertility.  I know there has been outrage on some forums of comparing infertility to cancer.  I understand that it is outrageous because people generally won’t die from infertility.  Comparing depression to cancer may also outrage many people as well…but depression can lead to suicide, it can kill too, but it is not a well understood.  So what is my point?  My point is that there are helpful things you can say to someone with infertility, and then there are unhelpful, even hurtful, things you can say to someone with infertility.

I have written about things that hurt, what to say, what not to say to someone with infertility many times before (ignorance is bliss, a voice of the child free family, Grow some thicker skin, you are so lucky you don’t have kids, Understanding: #YouAreNotAlone, Reblog from Que Milagro: Pardon Me While I burst into flames).  Today’s post adds to this list.  Today I am writing about one particular comment I have received multiple times since our loss from IVF cycle 1 from both fertile and infertile people:

“At least you know you can get pregnant”

I’m just going to put it out there straight away.  There is nothing consoling about this.

I get that there are many women who have never seen those two pink lines, me being one of them until our fist IVF cycle.  So I understand how hard it is to get negative after negative 25 times in a row.  But being pregnant  and losing a pregnancy is not consoling, knowing that I ‘did get pregnant’. I didn’t stay pregnant.  Maybe they would say “But it’s one step in the right direction”, yes perhaps, but it was then like ten steps back after our loss.

Would you say this to someone after they lost their baby during childbirth?  No.  Would you say this to someone who lost their baby in their third trimester? I doubt it.  Would you say this to someone who has suffered from recurrent pregnancy loss and miscarried 6 times? Definitely not. Would you say it to someone with secondary infertility? For goodness sake, NO.  So why does this need to ever be said at all?  It makes absolutely no sense at all and simply reminds me that we simply FAILED.

I am due to have my first beta test on Friday and in some ways, I am afraid of a positive than a negative.  Don’t get me wrong, I WANT A POSITIVE MORE THAN ANYTHING.  But I am afraid of when the positive comes, I know that even if this is my one successful pregnancy, my journey through the first trimester is going to be a psychological challenge.  If we ended up in a similar position to last time with a slow rising beta levels, pregnancy of unknown location suspected ectopic, yes it will be easier knowing the process the second time around, but it will be bloody damn hard to go through it all again.  And that is why I cannot accept the statement  “At least you know you can get pregnant” as consoling.

exhausted

Tomorrow is M-Day (Methotrexate Day) Ummmm NOT!

Yesterday I started to properly bleed, but it was on and off and only about a regular pad’s worth of blood.  Today I woke up with spotting. Damn it I thought.  But then at lunch time it came – the bleeding got heavier and has continued today.  I think my body is going to deal with this naturally.  I am starting to feel more positive about me saying no on Sunday to the methotrexate injection.

Today I rang up my clinic and explained what happened over the weekend.  After multiple calls from various nurses and doctors, this evening we eventually decided upon a plan of attack.  Tomorrow morning I go for a beta blood test, then in the afternoon I will return for an ultrasound.  By that time my doctor will be free out of surgery so she can see me personally, and she will have my blood test results.  So fingers crossed my hCG levels are in fact going down – surely they must be if I am bleeding this much? Otherwise if they are still increasing she wants me to take the methotrexate.

My liver function blood test results all came back normal, but my Blood Cell differential results didn’t come back exactly all normal.  But they are not too far from the normal limits i.e. pointing towards anemia. It will be interesting to see what the doc says.  I know what is normal for me because my work makes me take an annual medical which includes a full blood cell count – I’ve always had quite low numbers and is why I take multi-vits to top me up – perhaps it is just the IVF treatment, or perhaps it is normal for a pregnant lady.  But we shall find out tomorrow!!!

I said NO…am I crazy?

The on-call doctor called me first thing this morning and apologised she had not called yesterday with my results (she did have them yesterday after all and gave no reason).  She said my beta hCG levels have risen again and she wanted me to come in today to take the methotrexate shot.  I asked her if she had spoken to my doctor (- no she hadn’t) because my doctor had said she would keep monitoring me up to 7 weeks for a visible confirmation of ectopic before administering the methotrexate.  7 weeks was her cut off point.  The on-call doctor said it was ultimately my decision, but it would be against their recommendation not to take the methotrexate today.  She also checked with the other senior doctor who was there with her, and he said it was OK for me to wait – despite it being against their recommendation.  I said OK and asked when can I come in for another ultrasound, she said it was up to me.  My doctor isn’t back in the office until after the holiday weekend, Tuesday.  This is when my doctor said her cut off point was.  So I told the on-call doctor that I will wait for my doctor to come back.  I also asked what was my actual hCG level because she hadn’t told me up to then – it was 1300 (up from 1066 48 hours ago).  That was a lot less than I expected.  I have a feeling it’s tailing off.  Here is my chart:

Normal hCG levels compared to my hCG levels

Normal hCG levels compared to my hCG levels (Note this is on a Log scale)

The on-call doctor told me to call her anytime I wanted to change my mind, and please look out for any pain.  After I got off the phone, I panicked.  Chris was still asleep in bed at the time of the phone call so I woke him and basically cried at him.  He says he supports my decision, but wants me to take the methotrexate.  Ultimately I feel like crap right now.  I have had SO MANY unknowns from encounters with doctors and I am sick and tired of it:

  • When I was 18 I went to ER because I had a random massive vaginal bleed.  They couldn’t tell me why.
  • When I was 19 I spent a year in and out of doctors trying to diagnose my abdominal pains.  I was eventually diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), but there is no test to confirm this, it was their last thing in the box (I know I do have IBS, but really we don’t know why – and no one really knows what causes IBS).  I could have endometriosis too, but IBS explains the pains too.  They couldn’t tell me why.
  • When I was 20 I ended up in an ambulance being taken to ER because I passed out from abdominal pains.  I freaked out a lot of people.  They suspected that it was IBS related after eating 3 days of ration pack food in the field whilst on Army Exercise.  But really – they couldn’t tell me why.
  • We can’t have a baby without medical intervention.  We have unexplained infertility.  They can’t tell me why.
  • I’m pregnant, but they can’t see anything on the ultrasound at 6W4D and hCG level of 1300.  THEY CAN’T TELL ME WHY.

What is wrong with my body?  It’s like I have a black box body of unknown-ness.  Am I actually an alien??!

Honestly, I think I might be going crazy for not taking the methotrexate, but there is something that just doesn’t feel quite right about it.  Why don’t I want to take this drug? Because I’m very afraid of the side effects and being put through this unnecessarily if the abnormal pregnancy is in fact just growing slowly in my uterus and not one of my tubes.  Methotrexate can really mess with your gut, and my gut really is bad enough as it is.  I am not even bothered by the fact that we have to wait 3 months before trying again – I will WELCOME this after everything we have experienced the last 2 weeks.  Chris thinks I should take the shot so we can end this right now, mostly for the psychological pain, plus of course he is worried I will end up in hospital. Aghhh.  This truly sucks.

Compared to this, the 2 week wait will feel like a breeze

Warning – grumpy Dani on the loose!!!

  1.  We turn up to my ‘monitoring’ appointment this morning, sign my waiver which only has a beta blood test and no ultrasound listed.  I point this out to the receptionist…she checks my notes, apparently in my notes my doctor said only for a beta because it was too early to see anything on the ultrasound.  Hmmmm, this is not what my doctor said on the phone on Thursday!!  She said now that my hCG levels were over a 1000 perhaps we would find Waldo this time!  Receptionist talks to doctor and adds the ultrasound to the waiver form.
  2. A nurse I have never met before takes my blood…after making me almost pass out.  She jabbed hard with the needle, Chris was watching, I wasn’t but it was REALLY painful.  He was pulling faces at me from across the room because he could see that the nurse did not have control over the needle – even with a butterfly clip the needle apparently flipped 180 degrees.  She was not apologetic and had not appreciation for the pain on my face or that she had even done anything wrong.  The other day when a nurse hit a valve she was so apologetic, but it barely hurt so I told her not to worry.  The nurse today – I give her a big fat Freddie F for FAIL.
  3. We waited an hour after my blood draw for the ultrasound.
  4. Once we are in the ultrasound room, lucky me – I get two different doctors again, one I have never met before – my doctor was not working Saturday.  Fair enough, everyone needs a break!!! No Waldo found today.  BUT both Chris and I noticed that my uterus looked different from the previous 2 ultrasounds, I think this is one of the downsides of having different doctors monitoring me.  Basically, the doctor sent me to have more blood drawn in preparation to take the methotrexate if my beta hCG levels are still rising.  They even discussed whether the labs would be able to get the results today stat and could get a prescription in at the campus hospital for them to administer tomorrow (Sunday).  They thought it would be possible.  We sat there nodding our heads.
  5. Chris asked if a different nurse could draw my blood as he explained the ineptitude of the earlier nurse.  I will admit that I was annoyed that Chris asked this because I would have preferred not to have caused a fuss, and being a reserved Brit, probably would have told the nurse that she had really hurt me earlier and shown her the bruises she left – then at least get an apology from her.  Anyway, the doctor kindly arranged for me to have a different nurse draw my blood from the other arm.   Blood drawn – nurse hits a valve – may be my body is telling the nurses it is done with blood draws.
  6. We wait for results all day.  It is now 9PM and I have not had a phone call today.  In the UK, if the doctor doesn’t call it’s a good thing.  I’m not sure that’s how it works here?  Chris thinks it’s a good thing.  I think the tests were not done ‘stat’ and there were simply no results today – usually the nurse would call to update me, but because it is a Saturday and we seemed to have got one nurse into trouble, no one has updated us.
  7. I am still pregnant unknown location (PUL) – i.e. rising hCG levels and no visible sign of pregnancy on ultrasound.

I have been concerned today that the on-call doctor wanted me to take the methotrexate tomorrow – but I realised after the appointment that my doctor had said she thought that as long as I have no symptoms and there is no pregnancy on the ultrasound she would keep monitoring me until I am 7 weeks pregnant (3 days time).  So I wondered how that would work – if the on-call doctor had a different opinion to my doctor, would my doctor be pissed.  I was planning on talking to the on-call doctor about this when I got my results, but this seems to be a moot point now she hasn’t called today.

I’ve done a bit of research into my situation of possible ectopic pregnancy and there is quite a bit about misdiagnosis of ectopic pregnancy.  Basically, doctors prefer to diagnose ectopic early to avoid rupture of the fallopian tube.  This makes a lot of sense….except there are many cases where doctors have been too early in their diagnosis and effectively terminated a healthy uterine pregnancy mistaking it for ectopic.  The most up to date information I found on PUL, ectopic pregnancies and methotrexate was discovered from an article: “Tragically Wrong: When Good Early Pregnancies Are Misdiagnosed As Bad“.  The author of the article is interviewing a Dr Peter Doubilet, one of the authors of a well written research paper: “Diagnostic criteria for nonviable pregnancy early in the first trimester

I am literally copying the introduction to the article, written by Carey Goldberg, because I thought it was worth sharing, but the full article can be found here:  http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2013/10/ectopic-pregnancy-misdiagnosed-methotrexate

A beautiful, supremely talented young friend of our family recently fell victim to a terrible medical mistake. Newly married, she was having some pelvic pain and bleeding, and the doctor who saw her diagnosed a probable ectopic pregnancy — an embryo that develops outside the womb. Concerned that such pregnancies can turn life-threatening, the doctor prescribed the standard treatment: methotrexate, a drug used for chemotherapy and to help induce abortions.

When our friend returned to be checked a few days later, the imaging revealed that in fact, the pregnancy had not been ectopic; it was in place, in her uterus. But because she had taken the methotrexate, a known cause of birth defects, her pregnancy was doomed.  She soon miscarried. What may have been a perfectly healthy pregnancy had been ended by well-meant medical treatment.

I assumed her horrifying case was an exceedingly rare medical fluke — until now. A paper just out in the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine shows that such misdiagnosed pregnancies are part of a pattern — a pattern that needs to be changed. “Considerable evidence suggests that mistakes such as these are far from rare,” it says.

When I told our friend’s story to the paper’s lead author, Dr. Peter Doubilet, he responded that he knows of “dozens and dozens and dozens of similar cases that have come to lawsuits, and that’s probably the tip of the iceberg.” There is even a Facebook group, Misdiagnosed Ectopic, Given Methotrexate, run by a mother given methotrexate whose daughter was born with major birth defects.

The New England Journal of Medicine paper stems from a panel of international experts who resolved to change medical practice to stop such misdiagnoses.

When I read the research paper the most interesting take away for me was:

  • Women with a pregnancy of unknown location (PUL) and hCG levels of 2000 to 3000, the likelihood of ectopic pregnancy is 32.7%, the likelihood of nonviable intrauterine pregnancy is 65.5% and 1.7% for a viable intrauterine pregnancy.
  • Women with a PUL and hCG levels of 3000 or more, the likelihood of ectopic pregnancy is 33.2%, the likelihood of nonviable intrauterine pregnancy is 66.4% and 0.5% for a viable intrauterine pregnancy.

The authors recognise that these likelihoods are not highly precise, and there are some limitations to their data, but they argue that this does not matter, it purely demonstrates that ectopic pregnancy is not the likely outcome in PUL.  However, they point out that this is only true of the woman is hemodynamically stable and not presenting with abdominal pain. The one thing that was comforting to see was that there is limited risk in taking a few extra days to make a definitive diagnosis in a woman with PUL.

There is also one other interesting thing I discovered after looking up the facebook group  “Misdiagnosed Ectopic,Given Methotrexate”.  PUL is very common in women with a tipped (retroverted) uterus.  Why?  Because it can be harder to see an early intrauterine pregnancy on transvaginal ultrasound and may not be seen up to week 8.  A lady who created the website misdiagnosed miscarriage says that no research has been done on the relationship with retroverted uterus and misdiganosis of miscarriage.

What is my conclusion?  Keep going to the monitoring appointments, if I have pain – take myself to ER straight away, wait until my hCG levels rise enough to see something on the ultrasound- then we can make an informed decision on which drug to take to aid my miscarriage. – Or best of all situations, I just miscarry naturally.  Really, the next 2 week wait is going to seem like a breeze compared to this.

Where’s Waldo??

“Where’s Waldo? – Do you know who Waldo is?”

My doctor asked me as she used the vaginal ultrasound to search my uterus and fallopian tubes for a potential sac.  Today at my ultrasound appointment my doctor carefully searched as she discussed it with the more ‘junior’ doctor.  The ‘junior’ doctor also had a go with ultrasound wand.  But nothing was there – not even that black teeny dot from Tuesday was there anymore.

My hCG went up to 1066 from 686 (55% increase in 44 hrs).  This is not the direction my beta levels should be heading in right now.

My doctor helpfully told us today that her cut off is 7 weeks for a decision on whether to use methotrexate; in the mean time if my hCG continues to rise she will closely monitor me every 48 hours with ultrasound and beta blood tests until 7 weeks.  Today I am 6 weeks 2 days pregnant, so only 5 days left for me to miscarry naturally. She is now more confident that when I return on Saturday they will see the growing empty sac now that my beta hCG is above 1000.  The question remains – where will this empty sac be?  We are still hoping it will be in the uterus and not the fallopian tube.

So I’m still on ectopic watch for now.  I have no bleeding or spotting, the odd pain twinge here and there, today I woke up a bit more nauseous and I’m starting to pee a lot again, so my ‘pregnancy’ symptoms are now returning as my hCG levels continue to rise.  But overall I feel physically well, a little bit mentally drained.

Today I took a sick day which was a good idea because I am not sure my brain could have coped with work today, instead I spent some time doing adult colouring in.  Very therapeutic, but sometimes I can’t stop because I don’t like leaving things unfinished, and then it stops being therapeutic as I create a chore for myself!!!

Anyway, until Saturday…..we continue to wait.

Sad, but starting to feel mad

This afternoon I had my mobile (cell) phone with me on loud so I could hear the doctor ring with my results.  I get a lot of notifications and pings every 5 minutes so I am sure my colleagues were getting annoyed with me.  But anyway, I received three pings all at once, which I thought was odd, so I checked my email to find a notification from my clinic for a new appointment, with my doctor tomorrow morning (The three pings were from my email and app that tracks my appointments).  Well isn’t that just nice?  My eyes started to well up because I knew this had to be bad news – what a crappy way to find out?  After 20 minutes of consoling myself, I finally received the call from my doctor.  My hCG levels have continued to rise again to 686 (Tues) from 345 (Fri).  Not good news.  So my doctor starts talking more about this potentially being a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy…she didn’t really tell me anything new from yesterday, she stressed again that there is zero chance that I have a viable pregnancy (OK so I got that from yesterday when there was nothing on the ultrasound).

Tomorrow morning I will have another ultrasound to double check my uterus for a (non-viable) pregnancy and some blood tests to see if I am suitable candidate for the drug methotrexate.  I have done a bit more research into this drug, and I really want the doctor to explain all tomorrow – I will be using my 3 point guide to help me feel better informed!  The best guide I found is from the NHS:

“The use of methotrexate to treat pregnancy of unknown location and ectopic pregnancy” available here.

I have been having some random (but not sharp) short pains today, including pain on the left side.  I have also not passed any blood today.  The problem is with Irritable Bowel Syndrome for me is that stress causes pain, so I am having a hard time distinguishing between the two – I don’t feel stressed per se, but this rollercoaster surely can’t be good for my gut.

In the meantime I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s appointment as I move from feeling sad to feeling mad – mad that this feels really unfair and crappy.  I’m taking bets on how many med students/doctors/fellows/nurses they can squeeze this time in the room for my ultrasound tomorrow…..I have a feeling there will be some interest 😐

Nothing….

There was nothing there on the ultrasound screen, just my beautiful uterus – empty.  There was the teeniest tiniest black spot that may have been the beginning of a sac, but it was so small my Doctor was not certain.  She didn’t need to say anything for me to quickly realise that I was not one of the lucky 1%.  My doctor checked my ovaries: my right one is still hyperstimulated from the IVF and I had some VERY big follicles/cysts (but this is normal for after IVF and of no concern, but may explain any pain I may have here), my left ovary too was swollen, but not as bad as my right one.

What does this mean?  It was difficult for my doctor to say without knowing what my beta test results are.  If my hCG levels are continuing to rise, it is likely that I have a tubal pregnancy (ectopic pregnancy – a pregnancy that grows outside of the uterus).  If my hCG levels are falling, then it will be safe to assume that I have a chemical pregnancy* and the little black spot on the screen was indeed huckleberry.

My symptoms have been spotting dark brown blood since Friday, general abdominal pains all day Monday, my spotting surprisingly stopped today (Tuesday).  I have had some pains specifically on my left side, although not overly sharp pains, and I pointed out to the doctor (doctors – there were 2 others in the room with her) where this was….yeh, about where my ovary/fallopian tubes are.

If this is a chemical pregnancy then the doctor will prescribe me some medication (a vaginal pessary, I cannot remember the name of it) to help my body along with expelling the uterine pregnancy.  If this medication doesn’t work, or my hCG levels come back higher with a likelihood of a tubal pregnancy, then I will be prescribed Methotrexate (an intramuscular injection – YEY another injection, of course!!!).  I want to avoid taking this drug because it will mean we are not allowed to conceive for at least another 3 months because the chemical can stay in the body and harm a developing embryo.  But at the same time, we don’t want to wait and see for too long because there is a chance my tube could rupture and I would lose a fallopian tube.  I have read that even after being given the shot their tube still ruptured because it was left too late.

So I was asking you to hope with me that I didn’t bleed, but now I want to bleed….please, please body, just bleed!!!  I think this will be one of those times when I cry tears of happiness when I start to bleed full flow!  I know it will also be sad at the same time….choo choo, all aboard the emotional train wreck!!!

I mentioned that there were two other doctors in the room, one was ‘shadowing’, the other was a fellow (no not a chappie you silly Brits!!!).  The fellow interjected and answered some of our questions, he was clearly very knowledgeable, but there was a lot of bouncing around between them.  Chris was getting frustrated with the information we were receiving, they were talking to us as if we were medical professionals.  It took 5 minutes of Chris’s continued questioning to get the doctors to say that despite the miscarriage being bad (and sad), what we were seeing was ‘normal’ or ‘common’.  What they really needed to start out with was – don’t worry, there is nothing seriously wrong with you, chemical pregnancies happen frequently with IVF (because they are transferring 2 embryos).  I think I had a bit more knowledge than Chris and didn’t feel quite as frustrated because I had googled a lot on miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, blighted ovum and have read forums/blogs etc.  So my lesson here is to share more of my ‘google expert medical opinion’ knowledge with Chris before these types of appointments.

We also discussed my hCG levels (49, 110 and 345) and my doctor did admit that my first hCG result of 49 was borderline low- to non viable.  So why, oh why, did the other doctor (who did my IUIs) seem so happy and chirpy on the phone, proceed to tell me my progesterone and estrogen levels were excellent but fail to tell me my hCG level.  All it required was this:  “Congratulations Ms Dani, you are pregnant, but your levels were a little lower than average, we would like to see you again in 5 days just to make sure you levels are doubling nicely.  Your estrogen & progesterone levels are excellent, so this is a good thing.”  Expectation management is not a bad thing.

So – we have one big question answered, I feel a relief, albeit a sad relief – there is no viable pregnancy.  The next big question we wait for an answer is – is this a chemical pregnancy or a tubal pregnancy?

*A chemical pregnancy is a clinical term for a very early miscarriage. It happens before an ultrasound could even detect a heartbeat (before the 5th week of gestation). This occurs when an egg is fertilized but it does not implant on the uterine wall. Chemical pregnancies are actually quite common, occurring in 50 – 60% of first pregnancies.  There are many possible causes of chemical pregnancy – inadequate uterine lining, low hormone levels, luteal phase defect, infection, or other unknown reasons. The most common assumption is that they are due to chromosomal problems in the developing foetus. This can result from poor sperm or egg quality, genetic abnormalities from either mother or father, or abnormal cell division of the foetus.

Creeping thoughts

I have had some spotting everyday since Friday – just the teeniest amount here and there.  Every time I go to the toilet I feel sick to my stomach as I wipe and check the tissue with apprehension.  I hold my pee just so I delay having to see the blood.  I can feel my stomach starting to bloat, with a feeling of emptiness.

My app tells me I am 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant today and huckleberry is the size of a chocolate chip.  But is huckleberry in there?  Perhaps huckleberry is no longer there, may be he never developed after implantation, or may be he is hanging on for us to see him once again on the ultrasound tomorrow…

Time is dragging and the fog creeps thick around us, we try to keep busy, but it’s impossible to hide our deepest thoughts.  I know that tomorrow is going to be a good day, whatever happens we will have some of the answers to many of our questions.

This post may sound depressive, but I promise you I am not – just sad and anxious, and I think it is OK to be feeling like this right now, it would probably be a bit weird if I didn’t.